HallieatHeart: January 2010

One-Liam

I awoke from another one of my terrible dreams. In this nightmare, like in most others, my dad was at my school yelling at me. He would tell me how much I disappointed him. I would always be holding a piece of my art close to my chest, and then I would see June from the corner of my eye. She would smile and then I would wake up.
These were obviously dreams because my dad had never bothered to come to my school in the first place, and June never gave me a second glance. Both things were not surprising to me because Dad didn’t usually take time out of his life to spend with the son of his ex-wife and June was an unusually shy kind of person. I had heard that once after being called upon in Algebra to give an answer she passed out because of the attention brought to her.
My mom yelled from the family room that it was almost seven and I’d better “get my rear into gear” if I didn’t want to be late again. My mom was a stickler for being on time. Mom was very organized. Everything she did was in a certain order, the only exception being her bedroom.
I got up and out of bed, picked up some jeans I’d left on the floor near my easel, and a shirt that was balled up by the closet and gathered the books and supplies I would need for the day. I rushed down the stairs and grabbed a Coke out of the fridge before giving Mom a hug goodbye and running out to my car. The car was fairly new, a little beat up from some rough driving, but it was one of my prized possessions. Not only did it have a great stereo system, but I had painted a small mural on one side. I got into the car, started it up, pulled out of the driveway, and hit the gas.
Luck had been on my side that morning and I encountered little traffic on the way to school. I had even managed to get there ten minutes early meaning I could lean against the front wall and people watch with my friends. I ran a hand through my sandy blond hair and walked over to Paul, who was always there early. Paul’s dad was an English teacher at school, currently my English teacher to be exact, and Paul didn’t have his own set of wheels yet. I stood next to him and he nodded his head in acknowledgement before looking beyond me. I followed his gaze and saw Diana Lewis. Diana wasn’t necessarily my taste, but Paul found her to be one attractive lady. She noticed us watching and decided it would be worth her while to walk over.
“Didn’t your mom ever tell you it wasn’t polite to stare at women?” Diana asked us. I smirked and gave her one of my patented responses to these situations.
“Nope, or I didn’t listen, take your pick,” Diana chuckled at my remark and Paul looked at me like I was stealing his thunder. “I’ve got to go set up some stuff in the art room,” I said. Paul pretended he was sorry that I had to leave so soon and had soon distracted Diana enough so she wouldn’t miss me.
I didn’t really need to set anything up in the art room, but I knew if I stayed Diana wouldn’t concentrate on Paul the way he wanted her to. I did go into the art room anyhow, because I had suddenly felt the deep urge to paint. This happened to me quite frequently. My mom had always encouraged me to express myself any way possible and when she handed me a paintbrush at age seven, something clicked. Dad had been gone for almost a year by then and she was afraid I would suppress something if I wasn’t able to let out my feelings in some kind of artistic fashion.
I had only made a few strokes on an easel when June entered the classroom. I didn’t see her at first, and it wasn’t until she said something that I realized she was standing right behind me.
“That line is intense,” she said, pointing to a thick, deep blue line squiggling diagonally across the page. I looked over my shoulder at her face.
“Most are,” I replied, thinking my retort somewhat clever. She, however, did not see it this way.
“Artists,” I distinctly heard her mumble under her breath. I chuckled then.
“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be snotty about it; I was simply trying to make a joke. You know, like the line between genius and insanity is intense,” I tried, she smiled then, and her whole face lit up. Her green eyes sparkled then in a way I never knew they could, and just as suddenly as she had smiled, it was gone. We looked at each other for a few more moments before the bell rang and we left for our separate homerooms.
After school had ended, I planned on making the escape to my car before anyone, mainly Paul, could catch up to me and ask for a ride. Don’t get me wrong, Paul and I are good friends, but I was sort of tired of going out of my way to take him home when his idea of paying me back was buying me a soda once in awhile on the way home. But a nice quiet ride home was not to be because Paul was already leaning on the side of the passenger’s seat door. He stood up as I approached and gave me a wave.
“Mind if I bum a ride?” Paul asked even as he was opening the door and sliding inside. Obviously he thought the answer was a given. And it was only because I could never say no to a friend.
“So, how’d things go with Diana today?” I asked him. I had seen them together at lunch before I had headed into the art room. I had also spotted June sitting with one friend, not seemingly talking, but listening intently to everything her friend said. I didn’t mention the sighting to Paul.
“Man, that Diana is dynamite. Not only is she smarter than half the girls I’ve dated, but she also is fluent in ‘that’s what she said’ jokes,” Paul said, a pleased smile upon his face. I couldn’t help but smile at his goofy grin as I pulled out of the school parking lot.
By the time I got home it was three thirty and I had only a little homework. Before I started in on the homework, though, I decided it would be good to call my father. Today being his birthday, I felt it was my duty as his son to wish him another happy year. The phone rang twice before my dad’s voice was on the line.
“Hello?” He answered, “Who is this?” I cleared my throat.
“Dad, it’s Liam. I was calling because…” He didn’t let me get the words out.
“Liam? Oh, William,” I had forgotten Dad hated my nickname. “Yes, what did you want, I’m very busy. It’s not one of those art shows again, is it? I told you I don’t have the time…” Dad was saying.
“No, Dad, I just called to wish you a happy birthday,” I replied. There was a pause on the other end like he didn’t think I knew today was his birthday.
“Well…thank you. I have to go now, I’m working,” Dad answered. I was about to tell him it was fine, but he was gone, the line was dead. I felt so stupid for calling him. Why did I think he wanted to hear from me? I was an utter disappointment to him, just passing in school, and “wasting all my time with frilly art” as Dad liked to say.
I stayed in my room doing my homework until I heard the front door close and Mom walk inside. I drifted into the kitchen, a common meeting ground, if nothing else.
“How was your day?” Mom asked me. I shrugged.
“Not too bad, only a little homework, I finished it already,” I added. She nodded. “I called Dad for his birthday,” I said in addition. Mom looked surprised.
“Really, that’s today? Hmm. How was he?” Mom asked. I shrugged again; Mom seemed to know what I was thinking. “Too busy?” I nodded.
“He hung up quite suddenly too,” I replied. She looked at me, her brown hair falling in her face as she tried to decipher how I felt about the conversation. I should, in all honesty, be completely used to the way my dad had been on the phone. The stilted conversation was nothing new between us and had occurred less and less as I grew older. When the divorce was new Mom had tried her hardest to keep my Dad and I connected. Then, when I was twelve, I was going to be showing my dad the art class that my mom had recently signed me up for. He went along and after looking at all of my paintings, his face went slack and he had a look of defeat about him.
He brought me back to Mom’s and sent me to my room. I could hear them arguing from there.
“What, he doesn’t have enough problems already? Are you trying to make him more like you?” Dad asked Mom. I knew he was saying that by me painting, he thought I would soon be coming out of the closet. This had no relevance to painting, and I was about to go out and tell him this when my mom spoke up.
“Don’t you even start that up in this house!” Mom yelled. “I’m so enraged by your last statement, George. How dare you say that because he paints it means he’s gay. That kind of assumption will get you into so much trouble down the road, but most it will earn you the hate of your only son,” she told him. These were strong assumptions on her part, but I couldn’t help to wonder if later on I might resent him for thinking of me that way.
“Fine, if that’s how he wants to be, fine. No son of mine would throw his life away on painting,” he said followed by the slamming of the front door. I walked out of my room then.
“Does he hate me?” I asked. Mom looked over at me, tears in her eyes. She gathered me in her arms.
“Oh, no, honey. He loves you, he’s just misinformed. He’ll come around, you’ll see,” Mom told me.
She was wrong, it had been almost six years, and Dad still hadn’t come around. He was convinced that the environment my mom had me living in was “toxic” to my masculinity.
Every time my dad hung up on me, it stung. I never told my mom this, pretending to be used to it after all this time. But how could anyone be used to rejection? Mom touched my hair lightly and I walked back into my room. I had to paint, it was a necessity.
I stood in front of my easel, wanting so desperately to get onto the page exactly what I was feeling. The only thing was, I didn’t know what I was feeling at the moment. Every time I encountered my dad, this was how it ended, me wanting to let out my emotions the best way I knew how, but not being able to pinpoint the emotions I was feeling. I felt angry at him for pushing me aside as if I didn’t matter. I also felt stupid for thinking he’d change, or be sorry for neglecting me the way he did. But most of all I felt like a disappointment. I thought, maybe if I were better he would pay attention to me.

Two-Tess
I woke up to Jillian tugging on my sleeve. I looked over at my three year old sister, and then at the clock. It was two A.M.
“What’s wrong, Jill?” I asked her as I sat up. She took her thumb out of her mouth to speak to me.
“I’s gotta go pee,” Jillian told me. I got up and led her to the bathroom. I was lucky she woke me up. The last time she had to use the restroom at night, she hadn’t bothered to get up. That’s right, she peed the bed. It was quite the rude awakening. Not only did she cry and get the bed we shared completely soaked, she had also woken up our father, who did not take kindly to being up at three in the morning.
I helped her wash her hands and led her back to the bed. I tucked her in again and she smiled sleepily up at me.
“Good night, Mommy,” Jillian said before falling into the warm arms of sleep. This was the part of my life that killed me. I was not her mother, and I thought she knew that, but she forgot at times. I can see how this would be confusing to a two year old who’d lost her mother before her first birthday, but it still stung when she’d mistake me for our mother.
Dad hated her calling me Mom more than I did. I had learned to try to cover it up for her, because Dad would get pretty angry. I could deal with his anger, but Jillian shouldn’t have to. Dad worked long hours at his architecture business, and was still trying to build up clientele. This left only one option for Jillian during the day. I’d take her to school with me and drop her off with the children of other high school students, which didn’t help me when I tried to tell people she was my sister.
I wasn’t tired anymore so I went into the family room and pulled a book of poems off of the shelf. It was one of Mom’s old books, and I never read them when Dad was around, he didn’t like thinking about Mom. At least, he didn’t like to think about her the way she was at the end.
Mom dissolved into a wave of depression that started shortly after the birth of my sister. I didn’t notice it much at first. There were small clues, she’d leave to go grocery shopping and return an hour later without even a carton of milk. Things got progressively worse from there. I would come home some days to the sound of Jillian screaming and my mom simply staring into space, paying the baby no mind. I would tell my dad about this and he would choose to ignore it, telling me Mom was just a little stressed, that she’d pull out of the funk soon. But she didn’t. Instead of pulling through, she did the worst thing imaginable.
I was the one to find her, passed out on the sofa, an empty pill bottle on the floor next to it. I called for 911 immediately; I was in complete and total shock. When I heard the sirens approach I picked up Jillian and held her close. Dad was still at his office; Jillian was the only one I had left. When Dad barged into the ER later that day, eyes wild, I was the one to tell him. He still didn’t want to believe it.
I flipped through a few pages and closed the book. When I had replaced the book on the shelf I turned around to see my dad enter the house. He startled me and I let out a small yelp.
“Tess? What in the world are you doing awake?” Dad demanded of me. I shrugged.
“Jillian had to use the restroom and I couldn’t sleep after she woke me,” I replied. He didn’t look happy to see me awake, no matter what the excuse.
“You should go to bed, now. Jillian has a doctor’s appointment I need you to take her to in the morning,” he said.
“Dad, I can’t. I have a huge test first…” he cut me off mid-protest.
“You can always make up the test. Tess, I need you to do this, for me. For Jillian. Do you not care about Jillian?” He questioned. I felt stricken.
“Of course I care about Jillian. I…” He nodded, as if the conversation were over.
“Good, the appointments at eight,” he told me, walking to his room. I couldn’t believe this. I had spent the whole previous evening studying for this history test, and I was going to miss it. I walked sulkily back into my room, angry that Dad could make me feel bad for wanting to take a test.
I woke Jillian up at seven and helped her get dressed for the day. Then I sat down with her and poured some cereal for the both of us. My dad was still in his room, asleep. I knew Dad could have taken her, but I knew what would happen if I told him that. So Jillian and I buckled into the car and took off towards the doctor’s office.
After the appointment, which took almost two hours, I drove to school in a hurry. Jillian and I ran up the stairs to the childcare room and I signed her in just as the ending bell for second period rang. Great. My next class was on the opposite side of the building and I had ten minutes to get there.
I made it in my seat just in time. I looked around the room and caught someone staring at me. It was James. I had encountered James before, and this wasn’t the first time I caught him looking my way. Sometimes, on his way to his car after school, I would find him watching me practice.
I played a few sports, soccer being my favorite. I loved being goalie because it meant I could stop a team from beating my team. My coaches all told me I was a natural and other teams feared me. My friend Elaine, who stayed on the sidelines watching Jill, nicknamed me the Iron Wall and it stuck. During games I could look into the crowd and see signs made just for me. Behind these signs were schoolmates, parents, teachers, none of them were my dad.
I locked eyes with James and he smiled, I quickly turned away, my cheeks aflame. One of the things I was not good at was boys. Sure I had one boyfriend freshmen year, but he dumped me because I was a better goalie. I thought that if men were that chauvinistic, then I was better off without one.
Elaine came up behind me after school and we walked to pick up Jillian together.
“So, I saw James staring at you again today. I think he has a definite crush,” Elaine told me. I shook my head.
“Probably not,” I said, even though I secretly hoped he did. James wasn’t overly attractive, but that’s one of the things I liked about him. He didn’t try to look good; he groomed properly, and simply let himself show. I found that extremely alluring, this being a trait most artists have. James was indeed an artist and sometimes, while he was painting, I would stand in the doorway of the art room and simply watch him. The drive he had had to come from some inward emotion he was setting free and I wished I could set my emotions free in the beautiful way he did.
“Why do you always say that? Why can’t a guy like you?” Elaine asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know, I’m too quiet, I’m not as pretty as most girls, I’m better at soccer,” I said, and that was just the beginning of the list. “Let’s just drop it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it, so we won’t.” Elaine nodded knowing full well when I deemed a conversation over, it was over. We signed Jillian out and she took one of my hands. “How was school today?” I asked her. Jillian always said since I was in school, she was in school.
I thought to myself that this was also one of the reasons I couldn’t get a man. I was too busy playing mommy to my little sister. I loved Jillian to no end, but sometimes it got lonely to have the only one keeping you company be a two year old.
“Good, Miss Fiwips let us color!” She said holding out a picture to me. I smiled at the colored in picture of a teddy bear. We had made it to the bottom of the steps and were face to face with James. He knelt down in front of Jillian so they were face to face.
“Hey there, Jillie, how are you today?” He asked. How did this guy know my sister? Jillian recognized him right away.
“Good! I drewed today! Like you!” The toddler yelled in excitement. I showed him the picture so as to prove her honesty. He took the picture from my hand and pretended to examine it. The faces he made had not only Jillian giggling, but me as well.
“Wow, this is amazing,” he said, “much better than all of my doodling.” I smiled. This guy was good with kids. He stood up then and looked at me. Elaine took Jillian out to the field because she’d started to pull on my hand. It was just me and James. “Your daughter’s adorable,” he told me. My face burned.
“She’s not my daughter,” I said pointedly. He looked shocked.
“Oh, sorry, she just said…” I knew what she said, she always said that.
“She’s two, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s my sister,” I said with a bit more edge than was probably necessary.
“Sorry, I didn’t know. Either way, she’s a cute kid. Makes me wish I weren’t an only child,” James said.
“Try waking up with her at night when she has to pee or is screaming from a nightmare she can’t explain,” I wanted to say. What I really said was, “She is my favorite person in the whole world.” She really was, no matter how much she could irritate me, I loved Jillian more than anything. He smiled.
“See, that’s so sweet. I bet that she gets it from you. Influences go a long way,” James said. I smiled and caught sight of the clock.
“Dammit, I’m going to be late to practice!” I said shooting right past him.
“Bye, Tess!” He called after me. I was glad to already be running, my now red face out of sight. I was late for practice and consequently had to run three extra laps around the field.
I was exhausted by the time we arrived home. Jillian ran inside and turned on one of her favorite kids videos. It was one of my favorites when I was little as well, Thumbelina. I still knew all the words to the songs, and sat down next to her on the sofa.
After Prince Cornelius left to tell his parents about Thumbelina I got up to make dinner. I checked the freezer and saw a frozen pizza. I put it in the oven and sat back down with Jillian.
We had just finished eating when the song “Marry the Mole” came on. I picked Jill up and we were dancing around the room. The door banged open and I froze, Jillian in my arms. Dad looked angry, he usually did.
“What in the world are you two doing?!” He demanded. Jillian buried her head in my chest.
“We were watching a movie,” I said. He raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, and watching a movie requires dancing around like an idiot? Grow up, Tess. Now go get the keys and get us some more groceries,” he said giving me a ten dollar bill. I didn’t even tell him that ten dollars wasn’t going to get much. I simply started walking to the door with Jillian still in my arms. “Don’t take the kid with you. She’ll just make a damn mess,” Dad said. I started to put Jillian down, but she was clinging to my neck.
“Its fine, Dad, I can handle her,” I said. He walked over to me and yanked Jillian from my arms. She started screaming and my heart started pounding. “No, Dad, really I can…” Dad shoved me towards the door, making it obvious I was to leave without her. I ran out to the car and locked the doors. I was breathing heavily and my hands were shaking as I started the car and drove to the store.
I was looking for the cheapest milk when James came into view. Was he suddenly everywhere?
“Hey! Traveling alone?” James asked. I nodded and tried not to think about leaving Jillian alone with our father. “Are you alright?” He asked me.
“Yeah, Jill’s with our dad…” I said, not sure how to finish that sentence. Apparently my eyes knew, because I started to cry right there in the store. I made my excuses for it.
“My eyes are just irritated,” I said. “I’ve had my contacts in for too long.” He didn’t seem to buy it, but he didn’t question any further. He simply joked around with me, making me laugh. I appreciated it, and I figured he knew I did.
Three-Liam
The next day at school I felt like the night before might have been a dream. I walked up to June outside of school and asked her if she was feeling better. I had seen her at the store and all of the sudden she was crying. She didn’t tell me why, but I had a feeling it had to do with her father. She looked at me like she had no clue what I was talking about.
“I’m fine, thanks. I’ve got to go,” she said suddenly and was walking away. I didn’t understand. She was perfectly fine talking to me yesterday with her sister, Jillian, then she broke down at the store, and now she acted like she didn’t know me.
I was totally confused as I walked over to Paul and Diana. Paul looked at me when I leaned against the wall next to him.
“Dude, you look absolutely befuddled. Having problems with your girl?” He asked. I shook my head.
“June’s not my girl, she’s a friend. Maybe, she’s a friend, I’m not sure right now,” I said. Paul shook his head.
“That’s why I’m lucky to have this one. She tells me right away what she’s thinking. Don’t you, Diana,” he said.
“You bet your sweet ass I do. I don’t play around. Well, maybe sometimes I do,” she said with a sneaky smile. I rolled my eyes and excused myself from their company. I walked to the art room and stopped at the doorway. June was standing in front of a blank easel, hands shaking. I didn’t know she painted. I watched her contemplate the easel until I was sure she wasn’t going to do anything. I walked up behind her.
“Need advice?” I asked her. She jumped. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. Just thought you’d want some advice,” I said. She turned to look at me.
“I’m fine, thanks. I don’t need your help,” June told me coolly. I nodded and walked to a different easel.
“No worries, I’ve got my own stuff to work on. How’s Jillian?” I asked mixing some paint with my brush. I started painting and she finally spoke up.
“She’s fine. My dad took her out for dinner last night.” I looked over to see how this made her feel. She had her back towards me.
“Well, that’s good. Right? You thought she wouldn’t like spending time with him,” I said, trying to open up a conversation.
“I guess,” she replied, closing down the idea right away. I looked back at my easel and continued to draw the flower that had blossomed in the middle of the page. The bell rang and I put my supplies away before heading to homeroom. Today was going to be interesting to say the least.
At lunch I saw June eating alone and sat down next to her. She didn’t look up, but I knew she could tell I was there. I ate in silence for a few minutes before I realized she wasn’t eating. I nonchalantly slid a bag of pretzel sticks in front of her. She didn’t look at them, just simply slid them back. I pushed them toward her again. This time instead of returning them she took one out of the bag and ate it. I smiled and we continued to eat in silence.
Elaine sat down next to us and looked at me questioningly. I shrugged and she turned to June. June was reading a book and didn’t look up. This made me giggle slightly, June’s deep concentration. Elaine shot me a puzzled look again.
“What? Can’t a guy sit next to a friend?” I asked. She raised her eyebrow.
“I didn’t know you two were friends,” she said. I nodded and June looked up.
“Didn’t know who were friends?” June asked. I chuckled.
“You and me are friends,” I told her. She shrugged this time.
“Yeah, I guess we are,” she said. What a vote of confidence that was. Elaine stuck her hand towards me.
“Well if you two are friends, I guess we can be a group of three,” Elaine said. I nodded and shook her hand.
“Sounds acceptable to me,” I said. June shrugged again and went back to her book. One thing I was beginning to notice was June could be absorbed in a book in a matter of seconds. Elaine and I carried on a polite conversation the rest of lunch period. June only looked up once and it was to interject that we were being ridiculous. We were talking about wizard rock; I told her I’d make her a CD so she’d understand.
After school I met with Elaine and June outside of the childcare room and asked if they would like to join me for ice cream. Jillian really wanted to and June said they really couldn’t. This got Jillian crying and I felt like an idiot for bringing it up in front of her.
“Sorry, I should have talked to you beforehand,” I said. She nodded.
“Yes, this will be a treat to take care of,” she said. Jillian took her hand and they walked out to her car together. Elaine stood next to me for a moment.
“She’s just had a rough night, she doesn’t mean to be snide,” Elaine said about June. I nodded.
“It’s cool, people have rough nights, and I totally get that.” And I did. I had actually seen part of her rough night. Elaine nodded and trailed behind June and her sister.
Paul was waiting for me at the car again, this time Diana was with him. I looked at them.
“Do I have to take her home too?” I asked. I knew I sounded whiny, but I really didn’t want to do that much driving. Diana laughed and Paul shook his head.
“Nah, man, she’s hanging out at my place,” Paul said. I smirked.
“Remember, use protection,” I fake lectured. Paul laughed.
“Oh, we do,” Diana said with a sly look in her eye. Paul nodded and I just got into the car. I knew they were both joking, but still, awkward. I drove them to Paul’s house and went back to my own.
Mom’s car was in the garage and that was not a usual thing. Mom usually was at work until five. I walked inside and she was sitting at the counter, looking down at her hands. I walked over to her.
“Mom? Are you okay?” I asked. She seemed startled at my voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. There’s just something I want to discuss with you,” Mom said. I sat down next to her.
“Sure, what is it?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know. She took in a deep breath.
“You know Louise and I have been dating a long time,” yeah, a year, “well, I invited her to live with us.” I was only slightly stunned. Louise was Mom’s longest relationship since Dad and only the second one of her girlfriends that I had met. She had never asked anyone to move in before, that’s what shocked me.
“Mom, that’s great. I’m happy for you,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure I was. I kept thinking how weird it was going to be with another woman in the house. Mom smiled so wide and grabbed me into a huge hug.
“Thank you! I was so worried you weren’t going to be okay with this. I mean, if that would have happened, I would understand, but I’m so glad you’re okay with this!” Mom told me.
I wasn’t really okay with it, well I was trying to be, but I wasn’t one hundred percent. I knew it was hypocritical to say I supported my mom fully in her homosexuality and then think it was wrong for her girlfriend to move in, but that was how I felt. I knew I’d probably feel the same if it had been a man moving in, but I still felt bad about not really wanting Louise and my mom to have a healthy relationship.
I called up Paul after attempting to call Owen, one of my best friends since I was little. Paul knew my parents were divorced, but not that my mom was gay. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, dude. What’s going on?” he answered. I let out a breath.
“My mom’s girlfriend is moving in, and I’m freaking out,” I told him. He was silent for a minute.
“That seems reasonable to me, freaking out. I mean if my mom told me someone she was seeing was going to be moving in, I’d be a little upset too,” Paul said. I wondered if he hadn’t heard me say girlfriend.
“Dude, it’s a woman though,” I said. Paul chuckled a little.
“Yeah, I heard that part. What does that matter though? It’s the person your mom loves. All you have to is be as supportive as you can,” he told me. I knew he was right. When had Paul become so smart?
“Thanks, man, really,” I said.
“Don’t even worry about it. You’re a good friend, I’m just trying to reciprocate.”
Four-Tess
Jillian was crying and screaming the whole way home and I had James to thank for it. I really felt like calling him up and making him listen to this for fifteen minutes. I carried Jillian inside and set her down in front of the TV to let her calm down with a movie. Today had not been the best; although, it wasn’t at all near the worst. James had approached me first thing in the morning at school and asked me if I was okay, which made absolutely no sense, since I had only seen him briefly at the grocery store before making my excuses and going home. Then he kept trying to talk to me during the day, like he was keeping an eye on me. He seemed to know I’d had a rough night, which was odd, but sweet, considering he was trying to make me feel better. I felt bad for turning down the ice cream, and for being rude, but I really didn’t have the money to waste on a treat. I decided I should call him and apologize for my temper, he’d put his number in my phone at lunch, so it was easy to find.
“Hey, it’s me,” he answered. He sounded distracted.
“Hey, I was just calling to apologize about earlier…Are you okay?” I asked him. He was quiet a moment.
“Yeah, don’t worry about earlier. I understand what a tough time is like. I’m fine, just got some interesting news,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I questioned. There was an intake of breath on the other end.
“My mom asked her girlfriend to move in with us,” James told me. I was floored.
“Your mom has a… I didn’t know your mom was a…” I didn’t know how to finish any of these sentences without sounding offensive. James chuckled on the other end of the line.
“Yeah, she’s gay. It’s fine for you to be shocked, I won’t take it personally. People just aren’t used to it,” he said simply.
“So, I’m gathering you don’t necessarily like this woman,” I inferred.
“It’s not that, it’s just,” James went on to explain how his mother’s past relationships had worked and how he didn’t know if he could handle seeing another woman around the house. I fed him what I thought was good advice, to take things one day at a time, to try to get to know her better. He agreed and asked to talk to Jillian before he hung up. I walked over to my sister.
“Hey, Jillie, a boy’s on the phone for you,” I said. She took the phone from my hand and said hello. She listened for a little while, laughed, said something about the park, and hung up. Jillian walked over to me and put her arms around me as best she could. “What’s this for?” I asked. Jillian smiled.
“It’s from the boy,” she said, giggling. She sat back down and continued to watch the television. I sat down next to her and started in on my homework.
Dad got home an hour later and demanded that he have something to eat. I looked up at him.
“Dad, we really don’t have anything. Ten dollars got us milk, a box of cereal, and some bananas,” I told him. He walked over and towered over me.
“Are you saying you spent all that money on breakfast?!” Dad yelled. I nodded. He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me into a standing position. “What is wrong with you? Do you know how hard I work? You just sit here watching TV with your sister, do you expect me to do everything for you?!” I shook my head. I never thought that.
“No, it’s just…someone needs to be with Jillian, she can’t stay home alone,” I said. Dad threw my arm away from him.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about what a hassle that was myself. Probably would be best to send that girl to your grandma’s house for awhile. Then you can get a proper job and start acting your age,” Dad told me. I didn’t know what shocked me more, the fact he wanted to send Jillian away or the fact that he didn’t think I was acting my age.
“Dad, you can’t send her away. She needs me,” I said. What I meant was, I needed her, but Dad would never go for that. Dad shook his head.
“She’d be better of at Pearl’s. ‘Sides, I already worked it out with her. Grandma Pearl will be here in the morning. Pack your sister’s stuff up, will you,” Dad said. He grabbed something and left again. I didn’t know where he was going, and I didn’t care. I was too upset. My phone rang again and I answered it despite the tears falling down my face and my ragged breaths.
“Hello?” I answered shakily.
“Hey, I’ll be there in ten minutes,” James said. He didn’t ask how I was, he simply told me he’d be here. How did he even know where here was? Then it dawned on me that he, like everyone else at the school, had a buzz book. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Jillian ran and opened the door. I was sitting on the sofa, curled into a tight ball trying to hold back tears, and failing miserably. “Where’s your sister?” I heard James say.
“Sofa,” Jillian responded. He closed the door and I could hear him walking towards me. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back. I didn’t move at first, just kept crying, and he didn’t say anything, just let me get it all out. I had finally regained some semblance of composure and moved myself into a sitting position.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” James asked. I shook my head. I was absolutely not okay.
“Dad’s sending Jillian to go live with our grandma. She lives in Maine. MAINE. I’ll never see her,” I said and new tears burned in my eyes. Talking about it made it worse. Talking made it real. James gathered me in his arms and I just cried.
“It’s going to be all right. Maybe she’ll be better off there,” James said. I looked at him.
“How can she be better off away from me, I’m her sister!” I yelled.
“I know, and this is totally unfair. I don’t know what I can do,” he said. That’s when an idea started to form in my head. We could run away.
“We’ll run,” I said pulling myself upright, out of James’ arms. He looked at me.
“Run? Where would you run to? You don’t mean you’d just leave, do you? He’d have the police after you within minutes of discovering your disappearance,” James told me. I shook my head.
“We have to, it’s the only way. We’d be better off without him. I can get a job; I’ll find us a place for us to live. We’ll show him. We’ll show everyone,” I said. James took my hand.
“I can’t let you do that. If you run things will only get worse. Facing things head on is the only way to go,” he said. Why did he have to shoot down my plan? It was a solid idea, it could work. But then I remembered something.
Once, when I was six, my mother told me we’d run away, we’d escape my father and live on our own. We had everything packed and were about to get into the car when he got home. Mom was almost to the car when he ran at her. I had never seen anything so violent before, especially not from one of my parents. Mom stayed down and I got out of the car to help her. Dad scooped me up and brought me inside instead. He told me Mom was tired and wanted to take a nap. I believed him and I went and slept in my own bed.
Dad would never let us escape. As I realized this my boiling anger turned into stone cold dread. Jillian could escape, Mom escaped, but I couldn’t. James looked very worried.
“I can never escape,” I said. He touched my shoulder.
“You can never escape from what?” James asked. I knew what I was about to say would horrify him, but I felt like I should let him know what he was up against, should my father arrive home soon.
“My dad,” I said simply. He looked extremely concerned.
“What do you mean by that? Is he violent? Does he abuse you or Jillian?” He asked.
“Not often, only when he’s angry, which is more often now than I’d like to admit. Gosh, it’s good he’s getting Jillian out of here, even if it is for his own selfish reasons, at least she’ll be safe,” I said. I looked at my sister. She was oblivious to the conversation going on and was playing with a doll, rocking it back and forth.
“But what about you?” he questioned, “Will you be safe?” I couldn’t answer that one for sure, so I shrugged.
“Who knows, but that’s not important as long as she’s okay. That’s all that really matters to me right now,” I said. I got up and went back into the bedroom I shared with my sister. I pulled out a suitcase from under the bed and began to fill it with Jillian’s things. Her clothes I folded up nicely and her books I stuck on top. James stood in the doorway, watching me. I lifted her bear to my chest and hugged it tightly, tears spilling silently down my cheeks. I only allowed myself to cry now so Dad wouldn’t get the satisfaction. I dragged the suitcase to the front door and carried Jillian, who’d fallen asleep in front of the television, into our room. I tucked her in and kissed her forehead, trying hard not to think about this probably being the last time I would ever do this.
I walked into the main room again and sat down on the sofa. James sat down next to me.
“Are you going to be okay?” He asked. I didn’t know why he was here anymore. Most people would flee if they heard someone had a violent parent.
“Yes, I will. What are you even doing here?” I asked. He looked hurt.
“Do you think I would leave after hearing something like that? I called you earlier to ask you out on a date. I still want to date you, no matter what your father does. I’m used to dads not liking me,” James said. I was blown away. It had been a long time since anyone had cared to ask me out and I was genuinely flattered.
“Oh. Well, I guess we could go out some time, sure,” I said, “dating it is.” He kissed my cheek and stood up.
“You just hang in there, okay? I’ll try my hardest to help you out,” he told me. This sounded totally corny, but there was definitive feeling behind his voice. He sounded as if he were sure of himself in a way I’d never heard anyone be before. It even made me believe hope was out there. I nodded and he left. I walked back into the bedroom and lay down next to my sister. I held Jillian close and cried myself to sleep that night. It wasn’t the first time, and something told me it wouldn’t be the last either.
When I woke up the next morning Jillian was gone. I was outraged. I thought I would have time to say goodbye, but my father had even deprived me of that. I got ready and sped to school. I was there twenty minutes earlier than usual and sat down under a tree near the front steps. Only a few people were there already and it was kind of chilly, but it was better than being at home. I felt safe at school. A few minutes later Elaine was standing next to me.
“I heard about what your dad did. Are you okay?” Elaine asked. James had told her all about Dad sending Jillian away. Oddly enough I wasn’t mad at him, James I mean. How could I be mad when he told her so I would have someone to talk to? Elaine was my best friend after all.
“She was gone when I woke up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hug her one last time. Nothing. And this is all his fault! I hate my father so much!” I yelled. Elaine sat down next to me and put her arms around me. She told me to let it all out, and I did. I even punched and kicked the tree a few times. It was what I needed to get my frustration out. James arrived a little bit later. My voice was horse, so Elaine told him what I had told her. James wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest. He stroked my hair as I cried.
“It’s going to be alright,” he said. I didn’t know how he could be so sure, but I wanted to believe him more than anything.

Five-Liam
I went to her house after school and we talked for a while about little trivial things, things that didn’t make a difference. I held her hand until she thought she heard her dad’s car outside. It wasn’t him, but she told me to go home. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but she told me that everything would be fine. I really hoped it was true, I really did.
After getting home from June’s house that night I felt completely outraged and completely useless at the same time. I wanted to make her father pay for what he did, but I had no idea how to go about this. My mom poked her head into my room and asked if I was okay, she had heard me slamming doors and blah, blah, blah.
“No, Mom, I am not okay,” I said, “The girl that I’m dating, starting today that is, is going through a very rough time and I can’t help her. She’s stuck and I need to help her find a way to escape.” Mom looked at me.
“Stuck how?” Mom asked. I let out a heavy breath, I wasn’t quite sure June wanted me to broadcast her home life to my mother, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“Her dad is trouble, Mom. He hits her sometimes, and now he’s sending her younger sister to live with her grandmother. I mean, that’s good for her, but June’s still there. She has no way out,” I said. I was more than a little upset and my mom could tell. She sat down on my bed next to me and put an arm around my shoulders.
“Honey, that’s awful! Why hasn’t she called the cops?” Mom asked. I shrugged. I had no clue why she hadn’t tried to get law enforcement involved.
“We can’t call the police now though, Mom. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go if they arrest her father,” I said. Not to mention, they didn’t have the money. Mom squeezed me close.
“You’re a good kid. I know you want to make sure June’s okay, but if it’s really as bad as you say, I have to call the police, it’s my duty as a mother,” she told me. This was not how I wanted this to go. Was it too much to ask for my mother to just listen instead of take action? I guess it was. I made sure I was on my phone before Mom picked up the other one to call the police.
“Hello?” June answered. I took a deep breath; this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Listen, something is about to go down at your house,” I told her.
“What do you mean? What happened?” June wanted to know. I paused.
“I told my mom about what happened and she might possibly be on the phone with the cops,” I said.
Three. Two. One.
“WHAT?! Are you insane?! I can’t stay here without him. I’ll still need to get a job, but now it will be full time instead! What in the world possessed you to do this?!” June yelled at me. I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer, so I told her the truth.
“I was worried about you and I felt there was nothing I could do to help. That scared me, and I had to do something. I don’t want you to get hurt,” I told her. I could hear sirens on her end of the phone.
“I’ve got to go,” she said, “they’ve come to wreak havoc on my life.” She hung up and I felt like scum. I couldn’t even sleep properly; the night was wracked with guilt dreams.
The next morning at school I watched out for her while Paul kept trying to talk to me. Then I checked the art room, but still no June. I sat through all my classes that day thinking about how I was a major ass. I was so antsy by last bell that I literally jumped out of my seat and ran to my car. Paul was going to have to find a different ride, because I peeled out of there like there was no tomorrow. I got to June’s house ten minutes later and her car was in the driveway. That was a good sign, right? I hoped so. I walked up to the door, knocked a few times and waited. Two minutes later she opened the door.
“Listen, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I am the world’s biggest asshat and you have every right to hate me. I just really hope you don’t because I really like you and I was just trying to do what I thought was best,” I blurted this entire thing out before she had a chance to say anything. I looked up to see her face red and tear-stained. I bowed my head in shame.
“I know you didn’t mean for this to happen,” June told me. I looked up.
“You do?” I questioned. I was flabbergasted that she hadn’t yelled at me and told me to leave. She nodded.
“You’re a nice guy; you would never intentionally hurt someone. I don’t hate you at all. And trust me; you are definitely not the world’s biggest asshat. I’ve already met him,” she told me. I nodded. Then she walked into my arms and I wrapped them protectively around her.
“Do you need a place to stay? I know we have an extra guest room, and I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind. Even if we are dating,” I said, testing to see if we were anymore.
“Are you sure? I was out all day applying for jobs and finally got hired as a maid. I could pay rent,” June told me. I brushed her hair away from her face.
“I don’t think my mom will make you pay rent. I’m sure she’d be fine with you being there. Just pack up all of your stuff and you can follow me back to my place,” I told her. She nodded and went inside. I pulled my phone out and called my mom.
“Hello?” Mom answered.
“Mom, is it alright if June stays with us for a while? She got a job and said if you wanted her to, she’d pay rent,” I told her, just in case.
“Tell her we’d be glad to have her. And don’t be silly, Liam, she doesn’t have to pay us a penny. I’m just glad she’s okay,” Mom said.
I told her we’d get June’s stuff all packed and then we’d be home. Mom made a comment about how we both had girlfriends moving in today and I got off the phone. I went inside and helped June with the rest of her stuff. Then I loaded the luggage into the car and she followed me home.
We were sitting around the table eating dinner, Chinese takeout picked up by Louise, when Mom gets the bright idea to bring up June’s day.
“My son tells me you got a job today, what exactly are you going to do instead of going to school?” Mom asked. I mouth an “I’m sorry” across the table and June waves it off before answering.
“I’m a maid. Actually, the people that hired me live only a few houses down from here. This is even more convenient than I thought. Thanks again for letting me stay here, it really means a lot to me,” June said. Mom laughed.
“Don’t you worry about it, I was just saying to Louise how funny it is for a mother and son to both have girlfriends moving in on the same day. You just don’t see irony like that anymore,” Mom said. I wanted to die of embarrassment. No parents should ever be that cool about a girlfriend moving in. Louise touched my mother’s hand.
“Now, Trudy, don’t embarrass the poor kids, look he’s blushing,” Louise said, pointing at me and I got up to clear the table.
“Now, don’t be like that, Louise was only kidding,” she said before stage whispering to Louise, “he can be so sensitive.” Louise shrugged and I left the room to throw the boxes away in the kitchen. June followed me.
“Wow, that is one harsh couple,” she said. I nodded.
“Yeah, gosh, we must look so uncivilized to you,” I said. She shook her head.
“Oh, god, no, that was one of the most civil dinner conversations I have witnessed in a while. Your mom jokes, my dad insulted. There’s a major and obvious difference,” June said. I put an arm around her.
“Don’t worry; you will be safe from insult here. So, the people you work for live close, huh? Well, that’s good, a short commute is the best kind,” I said trying not to sound like a nerd. It wasn’t working. June smiled at me, the first smile I’d seen all day from her. It made my heart do cartwheels. “What’s the name of the people you work for?” I asked.
“It was Dr. and Mrs. Lepolsky,” she said. My jaw hit the floor.
The Lepolsky’s had a son our age. He didn’t go to our school, but Owen and I had been friends since we were seven. Owen was way more athletic than I was and therefore had built up muscles while I remained lanky. I had heard rumors about him at our school and he was very popular with the girls.
“Did you meet Owen?” I asked her. She shook her head.
“No, they mentioned they had a son, but he wasn’t home. Why? Do you know him?” June questioned. I nodded.
“Yes, he and I have been friends for over ten years,” I told her. This seemed to surprise her.
“You’ve had a friend for that long?” she asked, eyes wide. I nodded.
“Yeah, his parents and my mom have been friends in high school. They’re the ones who told her about this neighborhood when it was built,” I told her. She looked dumbstruck.
“Wow, the longest friend I’ve ever had was Elaine. Before that it was this girl I went to grade school with. But that doesn’t really count,” June told me. I was a little puzzled.
I picked up some plates and started to wash them; June picked up a towel and dried them as I handed them to her. We started talking again after we fell into rhythm.
“Why doesn’t grade school girl count?” I asked her. She didn’t answer for a while, picking at a spot on one dish. She looked up as she answered.
“She was telling everyone the secrets I told her. I had always wondered how the other girls knew who I was crushing on. She pretended to be friends with me and made fun of me behind my back,” June told me. I kissed her cheek.
“I would have stuck up for you. I wish we’d have gone to school together. I could have rescued you sooner,” I said.
She shook her head, like it wouldn’t have mattered. I felt very protective of June even though we’d only started dating. Somehow, deep down, I knew we were meant to be. The first time I saw her something inside of me clicked. She was the one. I had never said as much to Paul, though he did know I had been crushing on her bad. You don’t say that love stuff to your guy friends. It makes things weird.
“Thank you,” June said. I looked over at her.
“I didn’t do anything,” I said. She shook her head and we put the dishes away.
“You did so much. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be trapped in that house, no Jillian, nothing. Now I have hope. I haven’t had that in such a long time. Really, I’m so grateful,” she said, wrapping her arms around me. I kissed her for real this time. It was the best kiss ever; her lips were soft and tasted of sweet and sour chicken. It was the perfect kiss. I wondered if she felt the instant fireworks. We pulled apart and she let out a breath.
“Wow,” she said simply. I smiled and stroked her hair as I pulled her closer to me, her head resting on my chest.
“I know exactly how you feel,” I said. We spent an hour standing there. Or maybe it was minutes. I had no concept of time anymore. The whole world seemed to revolve around her.
“Break it up, you two!” Mom yelled as she walked in. We pulled apart, but were still grinning like the Cheshire cat. Mom laughed when she looked at me.
“What?” I asked with a goofy smile. She shook her head and ruffled my hair.
“You two are so in love,” she said. And I knew it was true. I blushed and headed up to my room. I picked up a paint brush and started to paint. I was excited and happy and glad and scared and nervous all at once. It was the strangest mixture of emotions, but I couldn’t contain myself. I stayed up half the night as I painted, and it wasn’t nearly finished when I was too tired to stay awake. I had started to paint June’s face. I had the hair outlined and her eyes weren’t filled in yet, but if you looked closely enough you could tell it was her. I wanted to give the painting to her as soon as I was finished. I wanted her to see how much I felt for her. How strongly I thought of her. I mostly just wanted to kiss her again, though. My lips longed for the touch of hers and I found myself just looking at the painting.

Six-Tess
I awoke the next morning in a bed I wasn’t used to. I had had the best night’s sleep I could remember and chalked it up to an expensive mattress. I felt as if I were floating on air as I got dressed and ready to head over to the Lepolsky’s. I skipped down the hall and plopped down at the kitchen table. Looking right at me was James. He had on a smile that must have been the twin to the one I was wearing. I would never admit this to anyone, but after last night, I believed in true love. And I believed James was the one.
“Good morning,” I said softly. James’ smile widened, if that was possible, and I felt as light as a cloud.
“Good morning, yourself,” he purred. Shivers ran up and down my spine and I felt electricity in the air. He loaded his bowl in the dishwasher and kissed my cheek. “Can I get you some cereal?” He asked. Then it all came crashing back to me.
“No, I can’t eat cereal,” I said. James looked extremely confused. Then he thought for a minute before it clicked.
“Sure, sorry. Do you like blueberry Pop-Tarts?” He asked. I smiled and nodded.
“Thanks, that sounds wonderful,” I told him. James’ mom, who insisted I called her Trudy, walked in and poured herself some Raisin Bran. She sat down and smiled knowingly at me. I was beginning to think living in the same house with my boyfriend and his mother might be kind of awkward. This was especially the case if she was going to encourage our relationship and try to give me tips.
Yes, last night when I was in my room Trudy knocked on the door and asked to come in. I told her she could, it was her house after all, and she began to tell me makeup secrets that she thought I could use. I had never worn much makeup, it was fairly expensive, and she’d brought me a whole case full. I didn’t know how to use half of it and she said she’d be glad to help me if I had any questions. It was almost like she was trying to bond with me. She really wanted a daughter, I could really tell. I looked over at James as his mom sat down. He raised an eyebrow.
“Hello, you two,” Trudy said, “Did you sleep well last night, dear?” She asked. I nodded.
“Very well, actually, I have never slept on such a comfortable mattress,” I told her. Trudy seemed shocked, and why wouldn’t she be. I would be too if I had grown up with such luxuries.
“Really? What kind of mattress did you have?” She asked. I ate a last bite of my Pop-Tart before responding.
“Well, my sister, Jillian, and I shared my parents’ old mattress, it had a hole at one end, but it worked,” I said. Trudy looked appalled.
“Hey, Mom, how’s Louise? Did she enjoy her first night here?” James asked. I mouthed him a quick thank you. The question brightened his mother’s eyes.
“I think she really did, oh this is the beginning of a new phase in our lives!” Trudy squealed. It was almost too much for me, the excitement, and the expense. James looked at me and winked.
“New and better things are here,” he said. I blushed and hoped he was correct.
My plans for the foreseeable future were simple; I would work for the Lepolsky family and earn enough money to get a place for me and Jillian. I wanted nothing more than to have her back. I missed Jillian so much it hurt, I almost felt bad for the brief happiness I felt being with James, but I knew that was insane. If I felt bad for everything good that happened to me, dad would win. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I walked over to the Lepolsky house and rang the bell. A minute later the door opened and a guy rushed out, knocking me over in the process. Papers he’d been carrying had spilled all over the place and I immediately stood to help him pick them up. This must be Owen, the friend of James’ that had known him for ten years. Owen looked way more athletic than James; he didn’t have the slight artist build. I wondered if they actually had much in common besides their parents being friends.
“Sorry about that, didn’t see you, which is odd because I usually can sense a pretty girl a mile away,” he said. Wow, did this guy think a lot of himself. I handed him the papers.
“I guess it only detects the single or wealthy ones. I am neither. Your mom might have told you, I’m the new maid,” I told him. He nodded and gave me a sly smile.
“Hired help, this could be interesting,” he said, contemplatively.
“You forgot I’m taken,” I told him. He shrugged like this is something that could easily be remedied. “You know my boyfriend,” I continued. This seemed to take him off guard.
“Who is it? I’m very good at talking people into things,” he said. This guy never quit!
“He lives in that house,” I said pointing at James’ house, the one in which I currently resided as well.
“No way, he finally…are you…? He’s had a huge thing for you for so long and he finally asked you out?” Owen asked. I nodded.
“I bet you feel stupid now,” I said with a smile. Owen put an arm around my shoulders.
“Girl, I never feel stupid for flirting with someone, but I do intend to keep our relationship purely platonic,” he told me. I smiled; I could understand how James might like this guy.
“Well, that’s good, it was nice to meet you,” I said. He nodded and rushed past me again. I stepped into the foyer, and like the day before, marveled at the largeness of the house. Mrs. Lepolsky told me to look for her in the kitchen if Owen or her husband answered the door. I walked in and she was standing there writing in a notebook. Little did I know I would soon resent this very notebook. She looked up and smiled at me before putting down the pen.
“Miss Euler, you’re right on time,” she said in a cheery voice, which had to be fake. I was actually five minutes early.
“Punctuality is my middle name,” I joked. She looked at me sympathetically.
“Poor people will name their children anything, I swear,” she commented. A flame lit my cheeks and I restrained myself from responding. I knew correcting her might get me fired. She handed me the notebook and I looked down at the small handwriting. “These are just a few things I need finished today,” she said. Was she kidding? This was far from “just a few things”. There had to be at least twenty items on the list. I felt doomed. I knew complaining or even thinking negatively wouldn’t help, besides, I was doing this to get Jillian back, it could be worse.
That afternoon I got back to the house just a little bit before James. I sat down; baffled by the sheer amount of times I was slyly belittled during work. Mrs. Lepolsky never said anything directly about the fact that I was poor, but she hinted that I was lower than her, unaccustomed to the way she did things. I was exhausted. The list she gave me took all day, not including a lunch break. Apparently poor people don’t eat. I rested my head on the table and James walked in.
“Rough day?” He asked. I moaned as a sign of affirmation. He sat next to me and kissed my hair.
“Did I become a pack mule over night?” I asked him. He laughed.
“I don’t think so. Did Mrs. Lepolsky really work you that hard?” I nodded.
“I was busy from the minute I got there until the minute I left. She has me do so much, and apparently she thinks poor people don’t eat because I was not given a lunch break,” I told him. I knew I sounded whiny, but if you couldn’t whine to your boyfriend, who could you whine to?
“I’m sorry, I’ll talk to Owen, and maybe he’ll convince her. I don’t think she would purposely not allow you to eat though,” James said. He hugged me and I rested my head on his chest.
“I met Owen this morning,” I told him. He smiled.
“What did you think?” He asked expectantly. I could see in his eyes that he really was good friends with Owen.
“He tried to flirt with me, but once I told him we were together he admitted defeat,” I said with a rueful smile. James smirked as well.
“Ah, he saw he couldn’t match my sheer brilliance, huh? He’s completely correct,” James said. I laughed. I was glad to be here instead of my old place. Once I thought that though, I was thinking about Jillian. I wondered if she liked Grandma Pearl. I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her. I missed her so much. “Hey, are you alright?” James asked sweetly. He rubbed a small tear from my eye. I didn’t notice my own tears.
“Do you think she misses me?” I asked. He didn’t have to ask me who I meant. He nodded and pulled me closer.
“Of course she misses you! You practically raised her, but letting her go with your grandma was probably best, she couldn’t stay there. You did the right thing,” he said softly. I nodded, wanting to believe letting her go was the best. He continued to whisper in my ear. I was so exhausted and I couldn’t stop crying. Eventually I couldn’t cry anymore and I sat up straighter. I rubbed my eyes and looked James in the face.
“Sorry for being so emotional,” I told him. He shook his head.
“It’s fine. You miss your sister, I understand,” he said. “You want to get something to eat?” I nodded, I was so hungry.
“I couldn’t want anything more at this moment,” I told him. We got into his car and drove to Sonic. I ordered two corn dogs and a thing of tater tots, he did the same. “Copier,” I teased him. He smiled.
“Copying is the highest form of flattery,” he told me. I laughed. He popped a tater tot into his mouth and took a pull on our shared large coke. I bit into my corn dog and remembered how this used to be a staple in my diet.
“My mom and I used to come here every Saturday when she was pregnant with Jillian,” I said, “She said it was good for the baby, but I knew she just wanted to get out of the house. We used to talk about everything here.” James nodded. I was pretty sure this was the first time I brought my mom up in front of him. I never usually talked about her.
“How’d your mom die?” James asked. He looked concerned, like he thought my dad did it. But this wasn’t the case, well, not entirely.
“She…she killed herself. It happened a month after she brought Jillian home. She took too many of the pills the doctor gave her after the C-section…” I said. I didn’t cry then, I had stopped crying for my mother months ago. James looked me in the eye. He wanted to know what I was thinking. “It wasn’t unexpected, at least not by me. I had told my dad to get her help. He refused to believe anything was wrong. Still believes it was all an accident,” I said. I shook my head.
There was no way that could have been an accident. He would know this if he’d been there. The day it happened. The whole month before. She was broken, completely broken, inside. I hated to admit this, but I had wanted to escape it all so much sometimes that I had just thought, long and hard about doing the same thing she did. But I couldn’t run. I had to take care of Jillian. Running would only make things worse for her. I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t as far gone as Mom was. I was starting to break too, but not to the extent Mom had broken. I could still be repaired; at least I hoped I could be. I just stared out the window for what seemed like hours, but was only around five minutes. James didn’t say anything; he just put his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” he told me. I shrugged.
“It’s nothing you could have prevented. She was depressed,” she wasn’t the only one. The cuts on my arms could vouch for that.

Seven-Liam
I knew June wasn’t telling me everything. She told me about her mother, and touched a spot right above her elbow. This act seemed suspicious to me. I held her hand with one of mine and pulled at her shirt with the other. She yanked the sleeve back down before I pulled it up high enough.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked her. She looked me in the eye.
“It seems like you already know,” she said. I had to let out a breath before I continued, this couldn’t be real. I touched the end of her sleeve again and this time she didn’t resist, she simply looked away. Right above the crook in her elbow were straight red lines. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to kiss it and make it better. But I knew I couldn’t do any of these things. I kissed the raised lines anyway.
“Please don’t do this,” I told her. She met my gaze then, the hurt and confusion all spilling out with a simple look.
“I don’t know if I can, it just feels so good to know I’m here,” she said. This part stings the worst. I pull her into my arms. I wondered how someone could feel so numb to the world that causing them pain would bring satisfaction only because it meant they could feel something. I had never experience this, and I never wanted June to ever again. I looked her straight in the eyes.
“You’re here, I’m going to spend everyday reminding you,” I told her, “never again will you have to doubt.” We sit like that forever, actual time: half an hour. She pulls away.
“Trudy’s probably looking for us,” she said. I nodded and pulled out of the Sonic parking lot, never letting go of her hand. “I don’t think your mom likes me,” June said. I chuckle.
“Are you kidding? You’re the daughter she never had,” I told her. She doesn’t seem convinced.
“She just feels bad, I’ve lived a pathetic life compared to hers,” she said. I didn’t know how to respond to this, she had never been one to talk so blatantly negative about herself. So I just continued to drive home. I still didn’t know what to say when we got home so I went up to my bed and did all of my homework. I fell asleep reading The Princess Bride, my assigned English reading material.
I was having a dream like Buttercup, only it wasn’t a baby I was holding, it was June. I looked into her eyes and she screamed out in pain
“What is it?!” I asked her, alarmed. She pointed to her arm. There was blood soaking through her shirt and running down her arm. I removed my own shirt and held it over her cuts, but it was too late. She let out a final shriek and her face went blank.
Then I was outside of school with Elaine. She was slapping me across the face, telling me it was my fault. I had no idea what she was talking about until she pointed to my favorite tree; it was the tree I had first seen June sitting under. June was under the tree again, but this time she was hanging from the branches, swaying in the wind. I let out a moan; it came from deep inside of me. I fell to my knees and wept.
I was now in my own house, my mom sitting across the table from me like she was when she announced that Louise was going to move in. This time her face was pale and gaunt.
“I have some horrible news,” Mom said. I stood up, not able to sit any longer, the waiting had become unbearable.
“What is it?” I demanded. She shook her head.
“She’s dead, Mrs. Lepolsky killed her,” my mom told me. She was talking about June. I lunged at her. She simply moved out of the way and laughed as I hit the floor. “Did you think you could come in on your white horse and save her?” Mom asked.
“I could have saved her!” I yelled. Mom shook her head.
“You can’t change fate, she was born like that. It’s genetic.”
Now I was outside of June’s old house. The place was in flames and smoke was everywhere. I could hear June screaming and ran into the burning building. I found her wrapped in a blanket in the corner of her room. I tried to help her, but she refused.
“I belong to the fire,” she said.
I woke up sweating. I had been screaming in my sleep, I could tell by how raw my throat felt. There was a knock on my door and June walked in. I immediately got up and brought her close to me.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. She looked into my eyes, confused. “I didn’t say anything earlier, your life is not pathetic and my mom is not better than you. You lived a different life. She couldn’t have made it, you’re strong,” I said. She blushed at the compliment.
“Are you alright, I heard screaming,” she said. I nodded.
“My dreams helped me realize what’s really important. You’re so sweet to come and check on me,” I said. She looked down, obviously not used to the compliments. I kissed her and that electricity I felt the last time was back. She looked up at me.
“Your kisses leave me tingling, should I be worried?” June asked. I laugh and shake my head.
“No, that’s just the sign of a good kiss,” I said. She looked down.
“I guess that’s why I didn’t know, you were my first,” she said. I was shocked. I cupped her chin in my hands and smiled.
“I knew you were perfect,” I said. She squinted and shook her head.
“I am the farthest thing from perfect,” she told me. Her eyes were clear and there was pain and honesty in her voice. Here she was beautiful, smart, and most of all, the kindest person I had ever met. How could she not see these things? The answer was clear: she’d never been told anything of the kind. Her father spent time knocking her down; no one was there to build her up. This time I shook my head.
“You’re the closest I’ve ever met,” I said. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and buried her head in my chest.
“Then why am I so stupid?” She asked, her voice muffled by my shirt. I stroked her hair.
“You are not stupid, just hurt. I’ll help you get past it, alright?” I questioned. She nodded.
“I really want to get better,” she said. A few minutes later I kissed her again and sent her to bed telling her to rest for the next work day. I went back to bed as well and I wasn’t interrupted by any unusual dreams.
The next morning I sat down to breakfast with June at seven o’clock even though I had nowhere to be. I made funny faces as she tried to eat her Lucky Charms. She laughed and made faces back. She saved the marshmallow pieces for last, something I did as well. She shrugged when she saw me notice the marshmallows.
“I need all the luck I can get,” she said, “better to have more than just you as a good luck charm.” I smiled.
“Aww, I’m flattered,” I said. She rolled her eyes at my goofy remark. I walked over and kissed her. “Have fun at work,” I told her. She shook her head, trying to be angry, but I knew she wanted to laugh.
As she walked to the Lepolsky’s I pulled out my phone to call Owen.
“Yo, this is O,” Owen answered. He had come up with that five years ago and still got a kick out of it.
“Dude, it’s Liam,” I said.
“Ah, Liam, my man, your lady is a frequent here,” he told me. I smiled. Owen was a complete and total goof when it came to pretty much everything.
“Yeah, I know. She said you tried to pick her up yesterday,” I said, jokingly. I could hear him moving around in his room and he shouted a hello.
“Oh, yeah, I didn’t know she was…” I laughed at his befuddlement.
“It’s cool; she told me you kept it totally platonic. She also said your mom was laying the work on hard, something about not getting lunch,” I said.
“Say no more, I’m your man for the job. Sometimes the old woman doesn’t know how demanding she is,” he joked. We spent the rest of the time talking about our parents. I told him about Louise moving in and he told me about his dad getting promoted. He asked a few questions about June, but she was heading his way so we got off the phone.
Later in the day I texted Owen to see if June was on her lunch break, he said she was sitting outside eating a sandwich. I made one for myself and ran out to sit with her. I was really running and she cringed like I might not stop before hitting her. I jumped up suddenly and landed next to her with a plop. June smiled at me and I felt like I was on fire. She made me feel as if anything were possible.
“How did you know I was out here?” She asked. I looked left, I looked right and then I whispered.
“I have spies everywhere,” I informed her. She laughed and kissed me.
“I forgot I wasn’t free of observations,” she said. I wrapped an arm around her.
“Trust me, it’s good to have someone like me on your side,” I said. She nodded and bit into her sandwich. I bit into mine as well.
“Mhmm, jelly,” she said. I raised my eyebrows.
“Mhmm, peanut butter,” I replied. Then I looked at her and we kissed. It was the perfect peanut butter and jelly sand-kiss, I’d ever experienced. It was the first of many to follow. Five minutes later, however, Mrs. Lepolsky was outside telling June to get inside and finish cleaning. She said she wasn’t paying her for lolling around and June could stay poor if that’s what she wanted to do with her life. I turned around and the look on her face changed.
“Hello, Mrs. Lepolsky, I’m sorry for distracting your fine worker here,” I said sweetly.
“Oh, don’t worry about it; I was just seeing if she was finished with lunch. Tell your mom it would be nice to have dinner with her and Louise again soon,” she said. I nodded and she went back inside. I helped June to her feet and her cheeks were rosy.

Eight-Tess
I couldn’t believe she’d said those things in front of James. Even more I couldn’t believe she completely changed gears when she noticed it was him. I looked him in the eyes, my cheeks aflame.
“Are you ok?” James asked. I nodded.
“Of course I’m fine, she’s just like that, besides, you were quick to change her mind,” I said. I knew it sounded bitter, but I didn’t care. He took my chin in his hand and turned my face to look me in the eye.
“Hey, don’t be like that,” he said, “I was just looking out for you.” I nodded. Everyone was “just looking out for me”. I didn’t need constant surveillance. I looked away again and picked up my trash.
“I don’t need someone to watch me. The panopticon ends here. No one watches me, I do what I please,” I said. He looked completely thrown, but it didn’t matter to me. I began to walk away, but I felt horrible for being so mean. “I’m sorry!” I said running back to him. He took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.
“You’re fine, I’m not upset with you,” James told me. I nodded.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” I told him. He kissed me and I walked back inside to do all of the vacuuming, the next thing on my list.
Owen peeked in on me when it was time to leave. I waved and he walked over to where I was standing, having just finished cleaning the kitchen.
“Hey, is my mom being a royal pain in the ass?” Owen wanted to know. I didn’t know how to answer this question, unsure if he liked his mother or not. “Hey, tell me honestly,” he said. I nodded.
“Well, could you maybe tell her not to talk down to me so much?” I asked. I hated all the things she said about “poor people” as if all of us fell into the same category titled “people below me”. Owen nodded.
“Anything else? A girl of my friend’s is basically that friend,” he said. I smiled. I gave him a pat on the arm and went back home.
James was waiting for me at the front door. I squinted at him and saw a smile there upon his face. I stood next to him for a minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed him.
“What are we doing standing outside?” I asked curiosity in every syllable. He smiled slyly.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he said. I nodded, I did want to know. He simply took my hand and we got into his car. His first stop was at the Smoothie King. He ordered for us, since I’d never been there. As I sipped on my Passion Passport smoothie I loved everything about this night, even if it had just started. He watched me enjoy the smoothie and I watched him enjoying me. After we were finished there we went to the miniature golf course where he taught me how to swing a golf club, I’d never been mini golfing before. I had missed out on so many things because of my dad, and here I was experiencing something children may even do before they can remember it, for the first time.
I was absolutely horrible, but James said I did a good job for a beginner. I highly doubted that, I had landed two balls in the pond and one on the roof of the windmill however impossible that might seem. None of this mattered to me though because I was just glad to be there with James. He took my hand and we walked around the park next to the mini golf course. The night was beautiful; the stars in the sky seemed to twinkle just for us. I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I’d actually watched the stars.
Jillian wouldn’t sleep. Mom had killed herself two days ago and I wasn’t ready to face the nightmares yet. Jillian was screaming her lungs out and I didn’t want to wake Dad, so I took her outside in her stroller. The cool night breeze seemed to comfort her. I picked her up out of the stroller and we sat down in one of our old picnic chairs. I positioned her in my lap so she could see the stars.
“Look, Jillie, see that one? I bet that’s Mom, looking down and watching us,” I said. The baby made a soft noise and I smiled. “As long as you can see those stars, Jillian, you can convince yourself you’re not alone. Mom might have left us, but we’ll be here for each other.” In that instant I realized how much weight I put on her. That baby was dependent on me, and I on her. I promised her I’d never leave her with Dad, I’d let him kill me before he could get near her.
I didn’t recognize where I was when I looked up. I was crying that much I knew from the hot tears on my cheeks. James put an arm around me and kissed my temple.
“What’s the matter?” James asked. I blinked a few times and wiped my eyes.
“Just thinking about how I told Jillian about the stars when she was just a baby, I told her that she’d never be alone with the stars shining above her. I told her Mom was watching us from above. I told her I’d let Dad kill me before I’d let anything happen to her. It was all for me though, the promises, the comfort of having someone there. I let her down so much. The worst part is she doesn’t even know I let her down,” I said. James rubbed slow circles into my back.
“You did not let that girl down, she is better off with your grandma, you know that. I know that if you doubted she’d be safe there, you would have done everything in your power to keep her here. I would have helped you. She knows you love her more than anything, God, I wish you could see how much that child loves you,” James said. I looked up into his eyes. They were so sure, so convicted that I felt a little better about it.
“You think?” I asked, still not totally convinced, but wanting to be. He nodded.
“I know. Her eyes lit up when she saw you coming and she looked about to cry when you were crying on the sofa that night. You mean the world to that kid and nothing will change that,” he said.
“What if she forgets me?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“How can she do that when she’s going to see you all of the time?” James asked. All of the time? What was he talking about? James took my hand again and we drove back to his house. A white SUV was in the driveway and I had no idea who the owner was. James took my hand as we walked inside and as I opened the door I hear a joyous shriek.
“Mommy!!!” My sister shouted as she ran towards me at epic speed for a two year old. I grabbed her up in my arms and held her so close to me. I was crying again, and I was too happy to say anything.
“I missed you,” Jillian told me as we sat down on the couch. I kissed her forehead.
“Aw, kid, I missed you more than you can imagine,” I replied. James sat down next to me and I looked up at him.
“Did you plan this?” I asked him. He shrugged, but the blush gave him away. I leaned against him and Jillian gave him a hug.
“I love you,” Jillian said. James kissed her cheek and she giggled before settling into me again.
“I love both of you,” James replied. Both of us. James. Loved. Both. Of. Us. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but I knew better than to stay silent.
“I love you too,” I said. It felt right, us being here in this very moment, together like a normal family. “How can I ever thank you enough? You got me out of my dad’s house, you let me stay in your home, and now you brought my sister back. I just can’t imagine what I did to deserve this,” I told him. He simply kissed my cheek.
“You’re the one who stayed with your mom, even when your dad was horrible. You’re the one who took care of Jillian when no one else was there, and finally, you’re the one who let her go despite how much you needed her. Darling, it was the least I could do,” he replied. I buried my head in his chest and he put Jillian on the ground so he could encircle me in his arms.
The rest of the night was wonderful, Jillian and I played board games and James just watched us, letting us bond. When it was time for Jillian to go to bed I carried her up to my room and tucked her in to the little trundle bed Trudy had set up for her. I kissed her forehead and told her I was here again. I told her I would never let her go again. She fell asleep and I went downstairs and threw my arms around James.
“I love you so much,” I told him. I was so happy I was almost sad, like when you watch the final episode of your favorite TV show and it’s perfect, but you know that it means the show’s over. I kissed him and he could tell there were sad thoughts racing through my mind.
“Why are you sad?” He asked me. I looked into his eyes, his wonderful blue eyes that were so blue you could mistake them for the ocean.
“It seems almost too good. I mean, I’m so happy here with you and Jillian’s back, but it seems like the bad is going to be coming now,” I told him. He kissed my forehead and we sat down on the couch.
“It’s going to only get better from here,” James said. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
The next day was Sunday, meaning I didn’t have to work. It also meant Church. James asked me what time we usually went to church on Sundays and I told him that we didn’t. Dad wasn’t one to admit he needed help, nor was he the kind of person to be sorry for what he did, much less ask for forgiveness. I had only been to mass with my mother once.
It was early on a Sunday morning, I was ten years old and my mom woke me up and told me to get dressed in something nice. I did as she told me and we got into the car. Mom’s eyes were red-rimmed and she looked frail in her bright yellow sundress.
“Where are we going, Mom?” I asked. I was scared by the sadness I could see behind her eyes.
“We’re going to Church. I need to ask the Big Guy for help,” she told me. At the time I was naïve enough to think she was getting some big huge guy to beat up Dad, like he beat us.
Mom had never talked much about God, and I was confused as she parked in front of this old building with colorful windows. We sat in a pew and she knelt down immediately, begging God to save us. I was completely baffled.
“Aren’t you going to get the big guy?” I asked. She looked at me and smiled sadly.
“Tess, God is the Big Guy. I’m praying for salvation from Daddy. Now you kneel down and ask God for help,” she told me. I did as she instructed and prayed for the first time.
God, I prayed, if you are there listening I wanted to ask for your help. Momma is scared and Daddy is mean. We need your help to make him stop. Please don’t let him hurt Momma anymore. I don’t care if he hits me, but don’t let him hurt her.
That was my first prayer. I prayed it everyday for a month. For a while I thought it was working, but then everything got worse and I simply gave up on prayer altogether.
“I think I’ll just stay here with Jillian, she’s too rowdy to go to Church. I don’t want to disrupt people,” I said, evading the fact that I really didn’t think much use would come of going to mass.
“It’s fine, people understand kids can’t contain themselves,” James said. I let out a breath.
“Okay, I didn’t want to offend you, but I don’t believe God’s listening,” I told him. James just touched my shoulder.
“That’s okay, do what’s right for you. I just think it might help you to try to talk to Him,” James told me. I nodded.
“Okay, I mean I only went to mass once,” I admitted. Not to mention we didn’t really pay attention to what the priest was saying, we mostly said our silent prayers. I put on a skirt and a teal shirt that I thought would look good with James’ eyes, before I got Jillian ready. I took her hand and we walked out to James’ car together. “Isn’t Trudy coming?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“She’s technically living in sin according to the Church. They tend to frown upon homosexuality being acted upon,” he said. I was confused.
“Then why do you go?” I asked, not to be mean, but because I really wanted to know. He looked at the floor.
“My Dad’s there every week, I feel it’s the one thing he’s proud of me for,” James said. I kissed his cheek.
“I bet your Dad is proud of you for many things. You’re a wonderful artist, I bet he loves your work,” I said. This made James frown.
“He hates the fact that I paint. He thinks I’m going to be gay just because my mom is. I mean, what kind of crap is that,” he said. I nodded in Jillian’s direction. “Sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry he’s like that. If he can’t realize how amazing you are then it’s his loss,” I said. He didn’t look like he believed me and I kissed his cheek.
“I’m nothing special,” James said. I shook my head.
“You are special though, you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. I would be much worse off without you,” I said. He kissed me and took my hand.
“Maybe you make me want to be a better person,” he said. I smiled. He made me want to be a better person. That’s why I decided to attend mass with him. We headed out to the car and buckled Jillian into the backseat. She’d never attended mass before and she was actually a little bit excited.
“Is God bigger than Daddy?” Jillian asked. I looked at the two year old and nodded.
“So much bigger, Jill,” I told her. She smiled; this answer satisfied her just as it satisfied me all those years ago.
Nine-Liam
June was being extremely sweet. I didn’t completely think that to be true, but it was nice that she thought my dad wasn’t right to not be proud of me. I walked in with Jillian and June’s hands in each of mine. We found a pew and five minutes later Dad was sitting next to me.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me, William?” Dad whispered coolly in my ear. I leaned closer to his ear.
“Dad, this is my girlfriend and her little sister,” I told him. He pulled away, embarrassed.
After mass I introduced June and Jillian to my father. June shook his hand and Jillian clung to June’s legs.
“William didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend,” dad said, talking to June.
“In his defense, it was very recent. He’s a great guy. Don’t you just love his art work?” she asked. I couldn’t believe she was bringing this up after what I’d told her earlier.
“Never seen it, I spend too much time working on the things that really matter,” he said. I nodded and June started to look upset.
“How could something be more important than spending time with your son?” June asked. I really wished she wouldn’t have said anything.
“Are you questioning my parenting? You might want to look at your own home before insulting another,” he snapped at her before walking away. I turned toward the direction of my car. June didn’t move. I turned to look at her.
“You didn’t say anything. You just let him say that stuff, no matter how true, to my face,” June said. She dropped my hand.
“Listen, I’m sorry, but what was I supposed to say? I told you he doesn’t approve of me painting,” I told her. She shook her head.
“This isn’t what I’m upset about. You let him basically tell me that my family is trash,” she said. I put an arm around her.
“You’re right, that wasn’t right of him to say that to you. I’ll call him when we get home. He’s going to apologize, especially since he had no idea what he was saying,” I told her. She nodded.
“Good,” she said as we got into the car and drove home. I kept stealing glances at her on the way home and she caught my gaze. “What?” She asked.
“I feel like a jerk. I’m sorry,” I told her. She shrugged.
“You were being a jerk, and I accept your apology,” she said. Wow, didn’t expect her to agree that I was a jerk, but I guess it was the truth. Jillian laughed from the backseat.
“Jerk,” she said. This made me chuckle. June hadn’t heard her.
“What’s so funny?” June wanted to know. I pointed to the backseat and she turned to look at Jillian who chose that exact moment to repeat herself.
“Jerk!” she said a little louder. June laughed and I couldn’t stop from doing the same. Of course we eventually told her that it wasn’t a nice word because we knew laughing was encouraging her.
When we got back to the house Mom and Louise were sitting at the table talking and eating lunch, which happened to be pizza. Jillian sat down next to Mom and Mom gave her a piece of pizza.
“Is there enough for everyone?” I asked. Louise nodded. I got down two plates and June and I sat next to each other. Jillian was being very messy with the pizza and Mom decided to cut it up into manageable pieces.
“How was Mass?” Mom asked because she always asked. She thought it was good I was still going to Church.
“Fine, Dad actually sat next to us,” I said. June looked down at her pizza in disgust. Louise noticed this and was the first to speak up.
“What did he say to you?” Louise asked June. June looked up; Louise had never really spoken to her before.
“Oh, he said I should work on my family before I said anything about his. I mean, just because I think he should pay more attention to…” June was saying before I cut her off.
“It was stupid, I’m going to call him and make him apologize,” I said. My mother nodded and June looked away.
“He should apologize for brushing you off like that too,” June said. It was actually more of a cool whisper, but everyone heard. I put down my pizza.
“People should apologize for plenty of things. That doesn’t mean they will. Even if they do, it doesn’t mean they are actually sorry. At least my dad’s honest,” I said. Even I knew I’d gone too far with this. June didn’t look at me when she got up and left the house. Mom looked at me though. Her eyes told me that what I did was wrong. But she told me anyhow.
“You go find her right now. I cannot believe you said that. I didn’t raise you to disrespect women in such a way,” Mom told me. So I got up and went outside.
June was sitting on the hood of her car and she looked royally pissed off. I stood in front of her and she looked up with a glare.
“What do you want?” She asked angrily. I had never seen June angry, only upset. Angry June scared me most. When I saw her angry I could just imagine how bad her father was. I was scared of who she could have become if her father would have stayed in the picture.
“I am so sorry. I know that an apology doesn’t mean much to you right now, but what I said was extremely idiotic. My dad’s a jerk and I’m too stupid to see it and then when someone says something about him I get defensive. It’s wrongly defensive, I know, but I’m sorry,” I told her. She nodded and I knew she wasn’t mad anymore. I wrapped my arms around her and told her a million soft apologies. She deserved every single one of them because I knew how horrible I was and how much better she was.
I spent the rest of the day trying to make it up to her in any way I could think of. I took her and Jillian to see that new A Christmas Carol movie and bought her some extra candy. She told me to stop feeling bad after we got ice cream at Doozle’s. Jillian was eating her ice cream cone and looked at me.
“Can I have a present?” Jillian asked.
“Jillian, you don’t ask for presents,” June told her. I simply smiled and reached into the trunk of my car.
“Well, it just so happens that I have the perfect present for you,” I said. Jillian got really excited. She was standing on her tiptoes and her ice cream cone was about to fall over. June took the cone from the girl.
“What is it?!” Jillian shouted, barely able to contain her excitement. I smiled and pulled out a painting of mine. It was a picture of Jillian I’d taken a while ago when I was working on the brochure for the daycare brought into paint later when I began to talk more to June. Jillian screamed loudly about how beautiful it was, how beautiful she was. June dropped the cone and gave me a huge hug.
“That is the best painting I have ever seen! I’m not just saying that either, I really mean it. I can’t believe how much of her you captured. It’s wonderful,” June said. I smiled a big grin, like a little boy who was proud of his sand castle. June kissed me and Jillian let out one of those “ewws!” reserved only for when little kids see people kissing. We both turned to look at her and laughed. Then she was pulled away from the kiss and realized her cone was on the ground. Needless to say she started bawling. I picked her up and sat her on my shoulder. She was not crying anymore.
“That way!” Jillian instructed. I nodded and did what she told me. We walked around with Jillian pointing out directions for about half an hour. It was then that the two year old fell asleep and we got back into the car. June put Jillian in her car seat and we both buckled in.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” I told June. She simply shook her head.
“I’m over it. Please stop apologizing, I’m fine, really,” June told me. I nodded and we drove back to the house. June carried Jillian up to their room and I sat down at the kitchen counter next to Mom.
“So, I’m an idiot, yes?” I said. She shook her head and put an arm around me in a proud kind of motherly way.
“No, you’re just a guy. Sometimes you don’t think before you say things. But I have to strongly agree with June. Stop worrying about what Dad thinks about you and focus on all the great things you have done,” she said. She went on to talk about my academic achievements, my painting, and mostly how I handled the situation with June’s father. June came back downstairs and we went to sit in the living room.
“I think Jillian loves you,” June told me. I smiled.
“Well, that’s good because I love her too. I would never let anything happen to her, June,” I told her. She looked extremely confused.
“Did you just call me June?” She questioned. I nodded.
“Yeah, June is your name,” I said. She shook her head and I was starting to freak out because there was this wild look in her eyes. Something told me this wasn’t right.
“No, that can’t be. My name’s Tess. Tess, like the main character in the Thomas Hardy novel,” she said. I put a hand on her shoulder but she pulled away quickly.
“June is your name, we’ve gone to school together for years now, I think I’d know your name,” I said. She still shook her head in defiance.
“No, James, my name isn’t June!” She shouted. Who was James?
“June, I’m not James, my name is Liam, short for William,” I told her. She looked me in the eye finally and she looked totally lost. I was really scared at this point and ran to find my mom.
Mom brought June to the hospital. She didn’t think I should go, thought it might traumatize me. I was already distraught about June not knowing her own name. Who was this Tess she thought she was. I went online and looked it up.
One result had to be the truth. I couldn’t believe it. I had found an article on her mother, Tess. Tess looked just like June only had a crazed look in her eye. Tess wasn’t dead either; she was in an asylum in Maine. She had DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. I immediately closed the search window on the internet.
Why did June think she was her mother? Why did she call me James? These were some questions floating around in my head. The other, the biggest one, however, was why did June lie when she said her mom died? According to the website, Tess had been admitted when June was only six years old. And then something else clicked. Jillian couldn’t possibly June’s sister…unless she was two things at one time. This thought process didn’t seem to be leading me anywhere good. The more I thought about it, the more terrified I became.
Jillian did always call June “mommy” and June never denied it, she just simply said they were sisters. At this point I really wanted to beat up her dad. I wanted to know why he was so screwed up and why he had to screw his daughter up. I stayed up until three in the morning. Then I went to check on Jillian.
Jillian looked so peaceful. She had no clue what was going on, had no clue that her whole family was totally bizarre. She was the only one who still had a chance. I’m not saying I gave up hope on June’s recovery from whatever it was that ailed her (I wished Mom would have let me go with them!), but there was still a long road ahead of her, everyone knew that. I fell asleep on June’s bed praying for God to help us fix this.
Ten-June
James just told me his name was Liam and mine was June. Could this be true? If so, who was Tess? You’re Tess, something inside me said. Suddenly Trudy was driving me to the hospital and I was lying on a bed. Then something in me snapped and I was immersed in a memory.
I was laying on my bed, my dad approaching me in the night.
“Tess,” Dad whispered as he got closer to me. I wasn’t Tess, my mom was. He stank of liquor and I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m not Tess!” I shouted. “Dad, it’s me, June,” but at this point he was to wasted to even notice, much less care. He put a hand over my mouth.
“Don’t talk back to me!” Dad hissed. He pulled off his belt and hit me with it hard across the face. It stung so bad I thought I’d never see again. I was numbed into silence by the sheer terror of my own father. I tried to wriggle free of his grasp, but nothing worked, he only held me tighter, like a boa-constrictor with its prey. That’s exactly what this was; I was my father’s prey. I closed my eyes and tried to bring myself back to a time when things were good.
When Mom was still here we had a few good times, I focused on those. On the days we spent at the park. On the times we drove fast to feel the wind in our hair.
When Dad was finished I felt empty. Hollow. He didn’t say anything to me the next day. It started again the next week and became a habit of his. I was so scared of being beaten that I didn’t tell anyone, the teachers all suspected something was up, but no one ever found out.
I woke with a start. I was back in my room at Liam’s house. The sun was shining through the windows and I wondered how long I had been asleep. I got up and walked to the kitchen where Liam was sitting at the table. He looked extremely worried and I wondered why? Then I remembered the discussion we’d had the day before. I walked quietly over to him and tapped his shoulder. He was startled.
“Hey, how are you?” Liam asked as if I were half there which I suppose I was.
“I’m alright. How long have I been asleep? All I remember from yesterday is our talk and you telling me I was June,” I said. He wrapped his arms around me.
“Yeah, Mom took you to see the doctor. Apparently you gave them quite a show,” he said. I had no recollection of this.
“Really? Hm, I can’t say I remember. What happened?” I asked.
“Mom said you had a huge breakthrough. Apparently the doctor thinks you have DID like your mom. One of your personalities is actually her, your mother. They said it was caused by your dad’s abuse. You told them all about it, you and your alter egos,” Liam said. I had alter egos? Is that why I thought I was Tess?
“I am so so very confused,” I said. Liam nodded in agreement.
“So am I, but we’ll find a way to fix this,” he said. What he meant was fix me. I was totally out of it. I kept remembering the day everything went downhill; it was so vivid in my mind. Though, if you’d have asked me the other day, I wouldn’t have been able to recollect the horror that was my life.
“Jillian’s my daughter,” I said finally. He nodded and I sat down. He didn’t sit, but simply stood behind me.
“You were right though. She is your sister…” he said. He looked so mad. I wondered if it was because he couldn’t think of me in the same way anymore. I couldn’t look at myself the same way. I had blocked out so much that it became impossible for me to distinguish fact from fiction.
“Are you mad I have a daughter?” I asked. He put his arms around me awkwardly seeing as he was still standing behind me.
“No, I’m mad that your dad did this to you,” he said. I was mad too. He had taken away so much of me. And suddenly I was back to feeling empty like I did that first time Dad crept into my room. I began scratching hard at the cuts I’d made on my arm. Liam grabbed my hand to prevent it. “What are you doing?” He asked kneeling down next to me so he could look me in the eye. I started crying.
“I don’t know anymore! Who am I? I thought I was June at one point, but I can’t even remember who June really was,” I said. I thought I was Tess too, but obviously I’d responded to my father’s abuse by becoming who he thought I was. In the process of becoming my mother I also adapted her mental illness. This also made me wonder how many other personalities or alter egos I had.
“Hey, you’re June. You’re the best person I know. You are one kick ass mom and an even better girlfriend. I’ll help you with whatever you need,” Liam told me. I stood up and wrapped my arms around his waist. He covered me with his arms and I felt like I might be able to start over right here. This moment with Liam was the closest thing to normal I had.
I began to think about Jillian. That little girl was going to be so confused, not only was I her mother, but her sister as well. I decided that I would only tell people she was my daughter. The father didn’t matter.
I had a deep loathing for my dad right then. Not only was he horrible to Mom and me. He had brought a daughter into the world with his own daughter and never paid her any attention except when he thought it would make me mad. Jillian deserved better than that. Liam kissed my forehead and I looked up into his loving blue eyes.
“I love you. That’s one thing I know for certain. I can’t believe how messed up everything is,” I said. He kissed me on the lips this time and I stopped talking. “I feel like I’m completely empty. My dad is Jillian’s dad and I’m Jillian’s mom. I must be the biggest embarrassment to the human race,” I said. Liam shook his head and made me look in him in the eyes.
“None of that was your fault. Don’t ever think what happened was your fault. Your dad is a horrible person and he wronged you. He’s the embarrassment, not you. You are innocent,” he told me. I nodded.
Liam had such strong convictions about me. I wondered then if I had a personality that was there when I blacked out during Dad’s “wrong doings”. I had learned all about DID when I found out that’s what Mom had. I figured I probably did and I wondered what she had to say.
Trudy came down the stairs and gave me a hug. It was weird to receive a hug from her, but it was nice. She told me that she’d scheduled a meeting with a counselor for the next day. She said that we were going to work through my issues. I figured this would take a while.
The rest of Monday was spent lounging around at Liam’s house and playing with Jillian. Trudy told me that I was not to go back to work until I was better. Liam had taken the entire day off of school to be with me and I was glad to have him there while I was getting used to being June again. Liam told me stories about when we were in elementary school together. He talked about my braided pigtails. He talked about the first time he felt like he really saw me. He even mentioned the first time he got up the nerve to talk to me. I had no idea he’d liked me so much for so long. I wished I could have seen it sooner. I may not have been in this mess.
I asked him where I was during the time I was pregnant with Jillian, that was one thing I couldn’t remember at all. He told me that I had “transferred” schools for a year. I figured this mean Dad had kept me at home. Or maybe I kept myself at home just to protect myself. It was hard to say, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know.
The next day Liam came into my room to see if I was okay with him going to school.
“Liam, I can’t keep you from school. You go, I’ll be fine. Trudy and Jillian are both here for me. I can do this,” I told him. He still looked hesitant, but eventually left. I slept a little while longer and Trudy came to tell me to get ready for my appointment. I got Jillian ready first and then threw on a t-shirt and jeans. I took my daughter’s hand and we walked to the car together. Trudy handed Jillian some cereal in a baggie for breakfast and I turned down food. There was no possible way I would eat right now. Trudy parked and we all walked into the waiting room.
I looked around the room feeling a little out of place even though I wasn’t. I was just as crazy as that girl in the corner talking to her reflection. Or that man who kept pulling at his left ear. I picked up one of the magazines and flipped through it. The magazine was nothing special and it mostly consisted of ways to build up self confidence. I put it back down.
Eventually the counselor called my name and I went back there alone as Trudy entertained Jillian. I sat down on a comfy chair and took a look around the room. It had some of the expected things, plaques on the wall, and pictures of her family. But there were things I didn’t expect too. I saw a table with crayons and paper and a dollhouse with dolls that were missing faces. The dolls scared me, like they didn’t know who they were either.
“Hello, June. My name is Dr. Ignatius. How are you feeling this morning?” She asked stretching her hand out for me to shake it. I did and then leaned back into my chair.
“Honestly I feel lost, completely and totally empty. I didn’t even know I had an issue and then all of the sudden I’m so many different people,” I said. She nodded and jotted something down. Then she did something and all of the sudden there were three of me in her office.
“Now June, why do you think you are here?” Dr. Ignatius asked. One of me shrugged.
“I don’t know. Your hair is very pretty,” I told her. She wrote this down. Another copy of me raised her hand.
“I’m actually Tess and everything is perfect, no one needs help,” she said. The doctor nodded again and the third me thought it might be necessary for her to say a few words.
“I know I’m here because my dad was a freaking skeeze-ball,” she said. All three of me just nodded to each other.
“Hmm, it seems you only have three alters. That’s not too bad. All we need to do now is wait to outsmart them,” our doctor said. The third June thought it was her duty to speak for all of us.
“Outsmart them? What is that supposed to mean? You think all of a sudden this shit will all just go away?” I asked.
“No,” the doctor stated, fidgeting in her seat, “I didn’t say it would be easy. I know this will be a long process, but I’ve done this before and I’m here to lead you back to the norm. Do you think that will be possible?” Dr. Ignatius asked. One of my egos nodded our head.
“Maybe, I guess it’s possible,” I said. She nodded and continued asking the form of me she identified as Action June, took over answering all her questions. She asked me to recount life after Mom was sent away. She asked me how school was, in which Quiet June answered because she was the one who went to school. And when she asked about Jillian it was Tess that answered.
We spent a long time talking about Jillian. That seemed to be what this whole hour was for. We tried to get back those months of and after my pregnancy that I couldn’t recall. We talked right up to the last second and she told me that my time was out. I agreed to meet with her once a week to try to get back to one ego. No more alters, that was the plan. I walked back out to Trudy and Jillian and we went back to the house. I was still kind of confused, but I wasn’t quite sure what had happened in the office. Liam wasn’t going to be home for a while so I decided that I’d do something nice for him because he was always so sweet to me. I wasn’t nearly the artist that he was, but I did have a thing for writing so I wrote him a poem. Then I took a nap, I was extremely worn out by the session even though I wasn’t quite sure what had happened.
In my dream there were three different versions of myself and I was on the outside of a room, watching them. One was angry and was punching a punching bag. One of the other ones was looking at a photo album of Jillian and me. The third one was sitting in the corner of the room, crying. I continued to observe as the forms of me started to talk to each other.
“Liam is one heck of a cutie, don’t you think?” asked the one with the photos. The angry form continued to punch the bag.
“Who cares about how good he looks?” she asked. “What really matters is the fact that he didn’t freak when he found out about Dad. I think we should be concerned with what he’s going to do with this information.”
“Liam wouldn’t do anything with the information. He loves us,” said the one on the couch as she put the album down.
“Dad claimed he loved us too,” pointed out the angry one. “Look where that got us. Have you ever noticed there’s only supposed to be one of us and our name is June, you call yourself Tess. That’s not our name, that’s Mom’s name.” Tess nodded and looked at the girl crying on the sofa.
“She won’t stop crying. That’s not normal either,” Tess said. The angry one nodded.
“Stop crying! Crying is the tool of the mindless and helpless! No wonder Dad could take advantage of us,” Angry one said, towering over the crier.
Eleven-Liam
I was worrying about June’s appointment too much to pay a lot of attention during school. It had gotten to the point where I was so distracted one of my teachers had to yell right in my face. Of course this teacher was Paul’s dad; he was the only one who cared enough to try to bring me out of my stupor. He even stopped me after class to ask what was wrong.
“It’s my girlfriend,” I said, “she’s going through…a difficult time.” I didn’t want to divulge everything to him. Maybe I’d tell Paul, but not his dad. This conversation was already getting a little awkward so I told him I’d see him later and I hightailed it to lunch. I sat down next to Paul, who of course was sitting with Diana.
“Where’s June? I haven’t seen her around in a few days,” Paul said. Diana nodded in agreement.
“Is she sick or something? Does she have the swine flu?!” Diana asked in a dramatic tone. Swine flu was one of Diana’s favorite things to joke about. I shook my head.
“I wish it was that trivial,” I confided, “the thing is…her dad was very abusive and she has these alter egos…it’s creepy.” Diana nodded.
“Dissociative Identity Disorder?” She asked. I nodded and Paul and I stared at her for a minute. “What? I read! Ellen Hopkins used it in her novel Identical,” she said like mental illnesses were a very well known topic of conversation teenagers used these days. Paul kissed her.
“She is so smart,” he said. I rolled my eyes. I really wanted to just walk out of school and not look back. I wanted to see June. I really hoped her appointment went alright. “Dude, did you even hear what I said?” Paul asked me, waving a hand in my face.
“Not really, no. I was just thinking about June. Do you think she’s okay?” I asked them. Paul shrugged and Diana nodded.
“I bet she does fine, just relax. It’s really sweet of you to be so concerned, but the important thing right now is to focus. Lunch is over, time for the next class,” Diana said. I nodded and followed them out of the cafeteria. There was no way I was going to relax, but I was going to try.
I got home right after school and went straight to June’s room. She was sitting on the bed looking down at a piece of paper. I sat down gently beside her and she turned her head to smile at me.
“I made this for you,” she said to me as she handed me the paper. It was a handwritten poem.
My world was black and gray up until that day
You approached me and smiled, I knew it would be okay.
Pinks started to bloom as new love blossomed
Some of these feelings I’d never fathomed.
I love you so, the kind way you secretly plan.
I love you so, no matter who I am.
I looked down at the poem again and then looked into her eyes. I could never have written something so beautiful. I kissed her and wrapped my arms around her. She leaned in close, holding on tight as if I were the only thing she had left to cling to. I supposed this was correct.
“June, this poem is wonderful. I love it almost as much as I love you,” I told her. She smiled.
“Good,” she told me, “I wanted it to be equivalent to the painting you made of Jillian. You really are perfect.” I kissed her hair.
“Only for you,” I said. June then began to describe her therapy session, or what she could remember of it. It didn’t sound like much, but we could only get what she remembered. She said the goal was to get rid of all her alter egos so she could go back to living her normal life.
Jillian woke up from her nap ten minutes later and demanded we play a game with her. She went downstairs and picked out a deck of cards.
“Fish!” she said proudly. I nodded and took her hand, leading her to the kitchen table.
“Alright, go fish it is,” I said. June smiled at me and helped Jillian win the game. When June was sitting next to me she’d tell Jillian what card to ask for. I faked being upset that they cheated and got a big hug from Jillian.
“He’s a good sport, huh, Jill?” June said. Jillian nodded and June gave me a hug. Jillian sat down and looked up at us.
“He’s a good daddy,” Jillian said. I looked over at June worriedly. June shook her head.
“Now let’s not jump the gun here,” June said. I nodded.
“Yeah, maybe someday, but not right now,” I added. We continued to goof around with Jillian until dinner. Mom had ordered another pizza, she really hated cooking, and Louise got home a little while after it arrived.
“Pizza? Again?” Louise said. She shook her head in disgust. “I can cook, you know, tomorrow we’ll have a real dinner.” This amazed me.
I’ve mentioned to various people that my mother isn’t one for cooking. Truth be told I hadn’t had a homemade meal in seven years. I was finding out more and more about Louise everyday and I grew to like her more because of it. I realized that I really never paid attention to her before she moved in and even still I had been more preoccupied with June. I decided that I would start trying to get to know Louise. It could only help things.
After dinner I asked Mom if she could watch Jillian while I took June to the park. I thought she might like to be outside and relax for a while. Mom agreed and I took June’s hand as we walked to the car. We stepped outside and she looked over at me.
“You’re really something, you know that?” June told me. I smiled.
“What do you mean?” I asked her. She gave me a crooked smile and a wink.
“You know what I mean,” she said simply. And I did. I knew because that was how I felt about her. I let her pick the station we listened to and we got sodas on the way. When we got to the park I took her hand again and we walked to the swings. We sat side by side on the swings and talked. We talked about our favorite books, hers Dreamland by Sarah Dessen and mine Deadline by Chris Crutcher. We discussed movies and music as well. It took us two hours before we ran out of things to talk about. We had spent twenty minutes discussing the Rocky Horror Picture Show and how amazing we both thought it was. She had seen it ten more times than I had, but we both knew the Time Warp. It was dark outside when we decided to walk back to the car and I had June tucked under one of my arms.
“I’m scared of delving further into my alters,” June admitted to me when we were almost to the car. I stopped and kissed her.
“I know, but it’s the only way we can help you through this. You have to get to the source to remove the symptom,” I said. She smiled slightly.
“But what if it’s like Frank-n-Furter and you remove the cause…but not the symptom,” she said. I laughed.
“You would quote Rocky Horror,” I said. She nodded and we got into the car and drove back to my house. Jillian was already in bed so June went up to kiss her good night and came back downstairs ten minutes later.
“Did she ask you for a story?” I asked. June nodded and gave me a crooked smile.
“She did, and of course I had to tell her one. She is the cutest thing in the world. I can’t believe she could have been the result of something so horrible,” June said. I nodded and kissed her forehead.
“God brings the best things out of the worst situations,” I told her. Mom sat down on the couch next to us, Louise was in bed as well.
Mom explained that Louise had a five AM flight for a business meeting. Apparently she had business meetings often.
“So, Mom, how are things with your woman?” I asked her. Mom smiled and I could almost picture her at my age. Mom was beautiful in an old Hollywood type of way and she didn’t look much older than twenty-five.
“Things are going great,” Mom told us, “she’s been such a big help. Even volunteering to make dinner, of course she forgot she had the trip, but it was such a sweet gesture.” I nodded.
“She really is great, Trudy,” June said, “yesterday she and I talked for a while and she was very understanding about my condition. I guess that makes sense though, her being a child psychologist and all. Even if she’s mostly into the book writing aspect of it, she knows what I’m going through.” I put my arm around June and she rested her head on my shoulder. Mom looked at us and shook her head.
“I know you might not like this, but I think I’m going to have to find another place for June and Jillian to stay. It’s not that I don’t like you,” Mom said, “it’s that you two are dating and I really can’t have you both under the same roof.” June nodded and stood up.
“I completely understand what you’ve done so far was great. I didn’t expect you to do as much as you have and I’m grateful. Jillian and I can find another place to stay,” June said.
I did not fully comprehend the situation. Was June about to leave? I looked over at Mom, my eyes begging her not to let June leave so late at night. Mom stood up.
“June, darling, I didn’t mean you had to leave right now. That would be ridiculous. I’ll take another day off and we can find you a place to stay. I can even pay for it if you need,” Mom told her. June shook her head.
“Thanks for the offer, Trudy, but I can find a way to stay somewhere else. I guess I can wait until morning to do it though. I don’t want to be indebted to you,” June said. My mom was shocked.
Twelve-Action June
The next morning I felt very alive. I packed up our things and took them out to the car before anyone stirred from their beds. Today was going to be a long day. First I had to find a job. Then I would have to find a place to live that I could pay rent for after I got my first paycheck. Then I would have to find someway for Jillian to be taken care of. This was going to be a difficult task to undertake on my own, but I was tired of being somebody’s charity case. Liam was mad last night that I wasn’t going to accept his mother’s money, but what is worse than feeling like you owe your boyfriend’s mom? I woke Jillian and started to carry her down the stairs when Liam stepped out of his room.
“Where are you going?” he asked me. I shrugged.
“Job and apartment hunting, got to make a living,” I said. Liam took Jillian from my arms and I remembered how she said he would be a good dad. Jillian was a very good judge of character for a two year old.
“June, why can’t you accept my mom’s help?” he asked, not for the first time. I rolled my eyes.
“Liam, I just can’t, okay? I have to do this on my own,” I told him. We walked out to my car and he put Jillian in her car seat.
“But what about your appointments? What if your condition worsens?” He questioned. He looked so worried about me that I wanted to either cry or scream. In one way it was sweet because he loved me, but in another it was almost suffocating, like people would always freak out on me.
“Then my condition worsens, it could happen anywhere,” I told him. He took my hand and I looked away.
“But what about Jillian? If your condition worsens, who will take care of her?” Liam asked. I was mad that he even brought up the subject of my daughter. He talked as if I didn’t even consider how this might affect her.
“I will find someone ahead of time, do you think I don’t toss and turn at night wondering what might happen to her?! I do! Damn it, why doesn’t anyone think I’m responsible enough to take care of my own child?!” I yelled. I snatched my hand away from his and crossed my arms. Liam didn’t raise his voice. He didn’t even seem to get the slightest bit angry at me for yelling at him. He simply put his hand on my shoulder.
“It’s not that I don’t think you’re responsible, believe me, you’re one of the most responsible people I know. I just love you both. I think Jillian was right when she said I would make a good dad,” Liam said. I turned to look at him. He had to be joking.
“Would you seriously throw your life away for us? I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many ways you could resent me for that. I would resent myself for taking away your future,” I told him, “You deserve better than a crazy girl and her daughter.” Liam took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.
“But your daughter is so damn cute,” he said. I had to laugh.
“Are you really asking me to marry you?” I questioned. He nodded and dropped down on one knee. Oh, good Lord. This was really happening.
“June, will you marry me?” Liam asked. I nodded and started to cry which was totally stupid because, really, why would I cry about getting married?
We decided since Jillian was still in the car we should take her out for a special breakfast. We got to Denny’s and sat Jillian down.
“Hey, Jillie, Mommy and Liam have something we want to tell you,” I said. Jillian looked up at us expectantly.
“I’m going to be marrying your Mommy,” Liam told her. My daughter’s eyes got so big and her face could barely contain the smile. She jumped onto Liam’s lap and gave him a hug. He was always so good to her.
“A real Daddy!” Jillian shouted. I nodded and repeated that in my mind. A real daddy. I smiled at my daughter; she definitely deserved Liam as a dad.
We ordered and ate our food and went back to Liam’s. He thought it might be best for us to tell his mother our plans. I didn’t know how well this was going to go over. She seemed to not want me in the house. Liam told me that it didn’t matter, she would be glad. Boy was he wrong.
“You decided to what?!” I heard Trudy shout as I walked around the yard with Jillian. Liam tried to calm her down, but it didn’t seem to be working. “She’s mentally unstable; she might end up being totally dependent on you. Do you realize how crippling that is? Not only would you have to care for her, but you’d have to take care of the child too. I’m not going to support you forever, Liam! You’d have to get a job and a place to live. I’m not going to support your ‘family’ that is not something we planned on,” she said. I felt low. I had thought about all of these things myself. I was going to keep Liam from so many things. I couldn’t let him do this. Not when it could ruin his future and especially not if it caused a rift between him and his mom. I told Jillian to stay in the yard and I walked inside.
“Your mom’s right, Liam, I can’t let you throw away your future, I’ve told you the same thing. Jillian and I will be out of here soon, Trudy,” I told his mother. Liam let out a breath.
“June, don’t start that again, it’s not going to ruin my future to marry you. I’m actually securing the best future I can possibly can,” he said. His mom looked super mad. I shook my head.
“Liam, look at this. You and your mom don’t fight and here you are arguing like pros. I don’t want to be the cause of a rift in your family,” I said. “Jillian and I can manage on our own, we have before.” Liam took my hand and I felt like I might break. I was trying to hold everything together. Trying to be the perfect person to everybody in my life. I jerked away again and ran outside to cry. I couldn’t let them see me cry, I refused. Jillian saw me crying though.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?!” My daughter said wrapping her arms around me. I took her inside of my own arms and held her close.
“Mommy’s just stupid. It’s okay,” I told Jillian. She wiped my eyes and looked at me straight on in the eyes.
“Liam can make it better,” she said. I didn’t know what to say. Liam sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around the both of us. We sat there for a minute and he kissed my hair.
“June, we’re getting married. My mom isn’t going to support us financially, but she’s not mad at us. She understands love,” he told me. I looked up at him.
“Do you think we stand a fighting chance?” I asked. He nodded. And the thing about that was, I thought we could too.
That day we went out and both got jobs. One of us would work during the day, me, and the other would work at night, Liam. I told him he could have worked days, but he insisted I should be able to sleep at night. I made it known that I couldn’t work on Mondays due to my counseling sessions. We then found an apartment and Trudy said she’d pay until we could. I realized Trudy wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, I was really starting to like her. I told this to Liam as we were packing up his room. He nodded.
“I know she likes you too. She wouldn’t help out just anyone. I know she didn’t seem open to us being together at first, but she really has our best intentions at heart,” he told me. I knew this was true.
“You’re going to paint still right? I really want you to keep painting,” I told him. He kissed my cheek.
“Of course I will. I am actually in the middle of something that I think might be my best work of all,” he said. I squinted at him and gave him a sidelong glance.
“What is it?” I asked, suddenly very interested. He shook his head.
“Nope, it’s a secret project,” he said. I pretended to pout but it was to no avail because he still wouldn’t tell me. I even got Jillian to beg a little bit, but still the man wouldn’t budge.
We had packed up al the boxes and were walking down the stairs when Trudy stopped us. She had us sit down on the couch and I was a little worried. I found that I was rightfully so.
“Listen, I got a call from the police department. Because I was the one to call the cops on your father, they’ve found it necessary to inform me that he is about to be released. Tomorrow is the day they plan to let him go…I don’t know what he’ll do, but I’m not sure any of us want to find out. Apparently to keep him locked away we’ll need to take him to court. I’d be willing to help you with that,” Trudy told me. I shivered.
The thought of my father being let out of jail hadn’t crossed my mind. Ever. I never considered it a possibility. I was sure he would be punished for what he did. I had never considered the fact that I might have to testify. I was afraid of what he would do. What would this mean for my relationship with Liam? More importantly, what would this mean for Jillian? Would he try to take custody of her? That couldn’t happen, the court wouldn’t allow that. Would they? I was beginning to dread this whole process. Liam put a protective arm around me.
“I won’t let him get anywhere near you two,” Liam said. I nodded. I hoped Liam knew what that might mean. My father was not a nice person.
“Thanks, Trudy, for telling us,” I said. She nodded.
“I thought you should know. I mean it though, you really should go to court for this,” she said. I told her we’d definitely consider it. Then Liam and I packed up his car and drove to our new apartment. We decided to elope the next weekend. I was very troubled about my dad being out of jail. I couldn’t think straight. We brought everything up to the apartment and sat down on the futon the past owners had left behind. Liam noticed how distant I was acting and sat Jillian down in front of the TV.
“Hey, it’s going to be alright. I promise. You don’t have to testify if you don’t want to,” he told me. I nodded.
My father had put me through so much already and I hated to think of what he might do if he were free again. I didn’t even want to start thinking about the possibilities.
“I have to bring him to court. It’s the only way to keep Jillian safe,” I said.
The next morning Liam and I met with his mother and another lawyer named Kevin Birman. Trudy was consoling and Kevin was logical, it was a dynamic duo of sorts between lawyers. Both of them assured me that, with enough proof, we could get my father back in prison almost as quickly as he’d been released. I was glad, and Liam seemed glad as well, but he still questioned his mother and her co-worker further.
“He has no idea where June is, does he?” Liam asked. His mother shook her head.
“Of course not, that’s confidential information,” his mother said. I nodded, but Liam didn’t let up.
“The school won’t allow him access to her files anymore, will they?” Kevin Birman shook his head.
“No, the school is under strict order not to give anything out. Listen, boy, things are being taken care of. Just take her home and relax. Your mom and I can take it from here,” he said. He nodded this time and we thanked them both before leaving. We got into his car and I looked over at him
“What was with the third degree in there?” I asked. “I felt as though I were on some detective show. Don’t you trust your own mother?” I asked. He nodded.
“Of course I trust Mom; it’s your dad I’m worried about. I just…I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said. I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed him.
“That’s really sweet, Liam. I love you so much, you know that?” I asked. He nodded. He put the car in gear and we started to drive back to the apartment.
“Of course I know you love me, otherwise I wouldn’t worry about you as much. Truth be told I love you more than you could possibly imagine,” Liam said. I smiled and we continued on our way home.
Thirteen-Liam
The next morning after June had left for work, but Jillian was still asleep, I called up Paul. I hadn’t told him what was going on and I figured he should know. He answered after the third ring.
“Hello? Liam?” Paul answered.
“Hey, I thought I should give you a call. With June being sick and all, we’ve decided to get married,” I told him. He started laughing on the other end.
“You’re shitting me, right? You’re not really going to marry her,” he said like he knew everything about me.
“Paul, I’m serious, man. We have an apartment and everything. She works in the day and I work at night. I won’t be coming back to school.” He didn’t respond for a while. I didn’t blame him, this was big news.
“You’d better take good care of her then,” he said finally. I smiled, glad that my friend didn’t hate me for leaving him. We talked a little bit more and then I heard a scream from Jillian’s room. I got off the phone and went to see what was wrong.
Jillian was sitting up and she had tears running down her face. I sat down on her bed and gathered the child in my arms.
“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” I asked her. She looked up at me, her eyes big and scared.
“I dreamed…I dreamed…that Mommy was hurt. She was crying…” Jillian said and she started to cry harder. I cradled her in my arms and rocked her back and forth until the tears subsided.
“Mommy’s fine. I just saw her. Do you want some breakfast?” I asked her. She nodded.
“Cereal!” Jillian yelled. I figured that was an affirmative and I laughed. Jillian was the cutest kid I’d ever seen. I poured cereal for her, Reese’s Puffs, and watched the way she ate them. She would get a very concentrated look on her face and dip the spoon into the bowl. She ate all the chocolate pieces first and then scooped the peanut butter ones in after, along with some of her hair. I pulled the hair away from her face.
“Thanks, Daddy,” Jillian said. Daddy? Did she just call me daddy? I guess this was an easy concept for a two year old. I, however, was not completely accustomed to someone saying I was their dad.
I pondered what being a father might actually be like. I pictured myself dropping Jillian off at school in the morning. I pictured her telling June and I stories at dinner. And then I pictured her becoming a teenager. I pictured Jillian asking to go to the dance. I pictured her asking if she could borrow the car. I couldn’t do this anymore, picturing the future. It all seemed so final. As if everything had been laid out before us which, in a way, it had been. I sat Jillian in front of the TV and decided to paint.
I looked at the easel; I had done some work, but not enough to make everything distinguishable. I wanted to have it finished in two weeks for June’s birthday. I worked for almost two hours uninterrupted, but then Jillian started to get bored.
“Daddy, I want to play outside,” she whined. I took one look at her pouting face and we went outside. It didn’t occur to me that we really had nothing to do outside of the apartment building. I decided that it might be best to just take her to the park and let her run around until she got tired. So I loaded her into the car and we went to the park.
I was immediately aware of the stares I got when I sat her down in the sand box next to the other kids. I sat down on the park bench and watched Jillian play nicely with the other kids. I wasn’t about to let those other parents know I didn’t care what they thought. A few minutes later a girl around my age sat down next to me.
“Which one’s yours?” she asked. She looked tired and her shiny black hair was in a loose braid down her back. I pointed to Jillian in the sand box.
“That one’s my fiancée’s,” I informed her. She nodded.
“Wow, that’s nice of you. My boyfriend split right after I told him. You must be one hell of a guy,” she told me. She then pointed to the boy sitting next to Jillian. “That’s my son, Thomas. He looks more like his dad everyday. I just hope he doesn’t act like him.” Just then Thomas stood up and kicked sand in Jillian’s face. “Oh, gosh. Thomas, you apologize right now!” She yelled running towards the kids. I ran to Jillian’s side and helped her wipe her eyes. She was very upset at this point.
“Daddy, he being mean!” Jillian said, pointing at Thomas. Thomas responded by sticking out his tongue.
“You say sorry right now or we are going home, mister,” his mom said. He shook his head and they left. I picked Jillian up and carried her to the bench.
“Hey, Jillie, are you okay?” I asked her. She shook her head and pointed to a scrape on her cheek. I kissed it. “Do you want me to get you some ice cream?” I asked. She nodded and smiled.
“I love you!” Jillian shouted, giving me a big hug.
I knew right then and there that I could do this. I could be a dad. I realized that I would do anything for that little girl if it made her happy and kept her safe and away from pain. That’s what being a parent was about, making sure you do right by your kid. It was something my own father never did.
I took Jillian for ice cream and bought a little snack for June since she’d probably need it after her first day at work. Jillian and I were coloring when June got back. She sat down next to us and looked at our pictures. She picked up the one Jillian made and examined the different colored lines.
“Well,” June said, “this is the finest piece of art I have ever seen.” She winked at me before putting it up on the refrigerator.
“But what about mine?” I asked playfully. She picked mine up next and looked it over. It was a picture of the park.
“It’s okay,” she said.
“Okay? You think it’s just okay?” I joked taking her in my arms and kissing her. She smiled.
“Alright, it’s good too. I guess I can put it on the fridge,” she said with a laugh. Jillian gave her mother a hug and June saw the scrape on her cheek. “What happened?” June questioned. I took her hand.
“We went to the park and some kid kicked sand in her face. There must have been a rock in the box,” I explained. Her eyes widened and she hugged Jillian tight.
“Oh, Jillie is the ouchie better?” she asked. The soft way she spoke to her daughter gave me a warm feeling. Jillian nodded.
“We gots ice cream,” she told June. June kissed her cheek and turned to me.
“Ice cream, wow, you’re lucky you have such a good daddy,” June said. Jillian turned on the TV on her own. I stood up and helped June into a standing position as well. I then led her to the fridge and opened up the freezer section. I pulled out the ice cream and handed it to her. She smiled and kissed me.
“You really are too sweet,” she said. I pulled her in for a big hug and then handed her a spoon so she could eat the frozen treat. She took a bite and smiled before making me try some. We sat down on the sofa and looked at Jillian.
“She is the greatest daughter ever,” I told June. She put her hand in mine and nodded.
“I raised her to be. You’re going to be the greatest father ever,” she informed me. I nodded, hoping she was right. My hand instinctively found the cuts on June’s arm as I ran my hand over her arm.
“I love you, by the way. Always know I love you and you’re not alone,” I told her. She rested her head on my cheek.
“Thanks for everything,” she said. “I love you too.”
Before I went to work I got to tell Jillian a bedtime story.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land there lived a princess named…”Jillian!” Jillian shouted. I laughed. Yes, her name was Princess Jillian and she was the fairest princess in all the land. Her mother the queen was the best mommy ever and she had all the best toys. One day, though, a dragon attacked the castle. Jillian looked scared so I backtracked a bit. Did I say there was a dragon? I meant… there was going to be a ball. All of the girls in the whole kingdom were invited so that the prince in the next kingdom could find a bride. The queen got Princess Jillian dressed up in her finest dress and sent her to have a great time at the ball. Jillian spent the whole night dancing with a man she had never met. She didn’t even know this guy’s name, but she knew she loved him.
The next day the prince went looking for the girl he had danced the night away with. He knew this girl was the one for him; he could get lost in her eyes and felt a very strong attraction to her. He searched the kingdom high and low and when he found her he kissed her right on the spot. “Eww, kissing!” Jillian said causing June to laugh. Anyway, he brought the princess back to his kingdom and they were married the next week. The end.
Jillian clapped her hands and let out a yawn.
“I guess this is goodnight, m’lady,” I told her. She closed her eyes and soon I could hear the steady breathing of a sleeping child. It gave me the feeling that I’d done something right for once. I took June’s hand and we walked into the main room.
“That was a great story,” June said. I nodded.
“Thank you. I think I might right it down and make illustrations,” I said. She laughed. I looked at her. “You don’t think it would work?” I asked. She nodded and laughed more.
“No, I didn’t say it wouldn’t work. I think this really is a good story, that’s all.” She told me. I kissed her cheek and started to get ready for work.
“So, how was your first day?” I asked her. She shrugged noncommittally.
“It was okay, I guess. I’ve never had a waitress gig before, so I have nothing to compare it to, but it was better than cleaning Owen’s place,” June said. I nodded and kissed her cheek.
“I’m glad you liked it. Wish me luck, I’m off to work,” I said, slipping on my blue smock. She kissed me and I was out the door.

Fourteen-June
I hated that Liam had to go into work at night, but I knew it probably would be best for me to stay home when it was dark out. I had a tendency to freak out when night fell, and Liam knew it. I was freaking at this time because of what Trudy told me about my dad being out of jail. He was probably walking around now, wondering what happened to his daughters.
By the time I had returned from work it was time for dinner and I didn’t have much time before Jillian’s bedtime. I hated not being with her as much anymore. That was the thing that upset me most. I’m glad that Liam got to spend time with her, he seemed to really be getting used to being a dad. I was glad about it.
I was now the only person awake in the apartment and I didn’t like being alone. You should go out. Something in my mind told me. I knew I couldn’t go out; I couldn’t leave Jillian here alone. Then there was a knock on the door. I jumped at the sound. I went to answer it an almost threw up when I opened the door. It was my father.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” Dad yelled. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into my own apartment. I started to scream, but he covered my mouth. “Did you think I wouldn’t find you? Your little boyfriend got me locked up for a few days. You knew I’d be back to look for you.” I stopped struggling, accepting defeat. He threw me onto the couch and I looked at him. I didn’t know what came over me then, but something inside had snapped.
“You deserved to be locked up!” I yelled. “Do you have any idea how you’ve screwed me up?! I gave birth to my SISTER, does that sound normal to you?! Get out of my apartment. Jillian and I don’t need you anymore!” I yelled. He slapped me.
“You bitch, how dare you say those things to me! Fine, I’ll walk away, but you’ll be crying for me soon enough!” Dad yelled. He picked the lamp up from the countertop and threw it dead on at my head. I fell to the ground and he walked out. Then I blacked out.
There was three of me conferring in a room that looked somewhat like the apartment. One was sitting on a chair curled up and scared. Another was pacing back and forth with an angry look on her face. The third was sitting on the ground and looked deep in thought.
“We don’t need to tell Liam anything,” the June pacing said. The one on the ground looked up at her.
“We have to, he’s going to figure out something’s wrong. I mean, he left bruises for sure,” she said. The one on the couch continued to shake. I didn’t like the shaking. It was almost as if the version of me pacing could intuit what I was thinking.
“Would you stop cowering like a baby?” She yelled. The scared one sat up straight.
“I’m sorry; I just got beaten to a pulp by my own father. How am I supposed to act?” she questioned.
“Like it wasn’t the first time,” shot back the one who was pacing and angry. I didn’t know which one I liked best. It was definitely not the scared one.
“We need a plan. We can’t just say, ‘oh yeah, he just came in and beat me up,’ Liam wouldn’t take that well,” said the calm one. She was right, Liam would get so mad. The angry one kept pacing and started to occasionally hit the wall.
“Damn him! He can’t do this to us again! We were just starting to get better,” she said. The calm one nodded and the scared one started trembling again.
“If he keeps at it we’ll all be like that,” she said pointing to the shaking one. “Let’s try to play down the injuries and then settle him into the fact that Dad did it.” The other two nodded.
“I’m just glad he didn’t touch Jillian,” the scared one said. All three had an identical look of relief on their faces as the other two nodded in agreement. The door to the apartment burst open. It was Liam.
“June!” He yelled. “JUNE!”
I looked up into Liam’s concerned eyes and knew that what went down with my dad was not a horrible nightmare.
“Hi, how was work?” I asked as if nothing else was going on. He looked at me harder.
“How was work? I get home to see my fiancée lying, knocked out on the ground, and all she can say is ‘how was work?’” he said. I looked at him; I wished he wouldn’t be so worried.
“Oh, you want to know about the being unconscious thing,” I said. He looked dumbfounded.
“Of course I do! June, I was really scared when I saw you on the ground like that,” he said pulling me close. “Who did this?” I looked away, not sure if he was ready.
“It was my dad. He found us,” I said. Screw what I told myself in my dream. Liam deserved to know what happened. He held me tighter, if that was possible.
“Oh, god, June, I knew him being out of jail was not a good thing. I’m calling the cops. He can’t get away with this,” he said. Then his face turned ashen, “He didn’t get to Jillian did he?” I shook my head. He let out a breath.
“She’s fine, still asleep. I am so lucky he didn’t look for her,” I said. He kissed me and stood up to get the phone. I grabbed his hand. “Please don’t call the police. It will only make things worse. I’m fine, promise.” He touched my face softly. I knew it had to be bruised.
“June, this isn’t fine. He slapped you, I can see the handprint. In no way are you fine,” Liam said. I looked at the ground again. He lifted my chin to look into my eyes.
“I am fine. My head doesn’t even hurt that much,” I lied. Truth was I was experiencing the worst headache of my life and I was pretty sure I had a concussion. Liam helped me into a standing position. That was when I threw up, case and point, concussion.
“I’m going to help you to the car and then I’m going to come back up here for Jillian. We have to get you to the ER to make sure you don’t have a concussion,” he said. I let my head drop in defeat.
“Okay,” I said. He sat me down in the car and came back with Jillian a few minutes later. I yawned and he held my hand in his.
“I love you, you know that?” Liam said. I nodded.
“I love you too. Thanks for taking such good care of us,” I told him. He squeezed my hand tight. When we got to the ER he carried Jillian inside and had one arm around my waist. We walked up to the receptionist.
“Hello, this is June Euler. Her father came to our apartment this evening and slapped her before throwing a lamp at her head. She was passed out when I returned from work, and her father has not been seen,” Liam told her. Her eyes were wide.
“You poor dear,” she said. I saw her look at Jillian and I knew she thought I probably deserved it. Maybe she thought my dad was just mad at me for having a kid. Too bad she didn’t know it was his kid too. “Honey,” the woman said, “I asked if you felt dizzy or lightheaded.” I nodded. I was so dizzy the room was practically spinning. Liam led me to a seat while my forms were being processed. This wasn’t the first time I’d been sent to the ER from one of Dad’s fits of rage.
I was thirteen and Dad was angry that I had gotten a C on my report card. Dad had never really cared about grades before, but I guessed something had gone wrong at work.
“Here I was telling everyone you were such a smart girl, but you were nothing more than an average student. Average students don’t go on to live good lives. You have to be exceptional,” he told me. I looked at him.
“But, Daddy, I tried my hardest, I really did. History is just hard to understand,” I told him. He slapped me across the face.
“How dare you talk back to me!” He yelled. I looked at him hard. I was shooting hate in a glare so strong it would have stopped an ordinary man. But my dad wasn’t an ordinary man. “Don’t you even start with that look!” He then picked up the straightener I had been using on my hair minutes before he arrived home. He took me by the arm and ran the heated side down my left forearm. It was welted and red and gross by the time I regained enough composure to walk to the nearest hospital.
It was two AM when I arrived and the receptionist looked horrified at my burnt arm. I wasn’t surprised, it was definitely not pretty. The skin looked glazed over and I felt sick to my stomach.
“What happened?” The receptionist asked. I had been thinking about what to say the whole way there.
“I was straightening my hair, and I really am super clumsy. You see, I dropped it on my arm and it slid a bit,” I said. I knew she didn’t believe me, those things don’t slide easily. But she didn’t say anything more about it. She had me sent to get it cleaned up immediately. The doctor working that night also gave me a pain medication because he said it would hurt worse in the morning. He was right, it hurt much worse.
When we were finally called to go back to a room I had pain pulsating my body in fast moving waves. Everything I did reverberated with pain and it was really hard to convince Liam I was fine when I didn’t really look fine. I was told to lie down, but not to fall asleep. They told Liam that under no circumstance was I allowed to fall asleep.
“Everything hurts,” I said finally. I had now officially admitted that I was not fine. Liam didn’t gloat, he simply stroked my hair. I looked at his face and saw tears trying to escape. I reached up and touched his cheek. “Don’t cry. Everything’s going to be okay.” He kissed the palm of my hand.
“I could have lost you. I went to work one minute, you and Jillian safe at the apartment, and the next I walk in and you’ve been attacked. Your dad could have done anything,” Liam told me. This was not a comforting thought. I didn’t want to discuss what he could have done. But as soon as you start to think about it, a million thoughts pop right into your head. He could have hit me harder. He could have killed me. He could have hurt Jillian. But worst thought was that he could have killed Jillian.
“But he didn’t do anything worse. I know this looks bad, but we can make it. I won’t let you get rid of me that easily,” I said with a smile. He returned the smile.
“Believe me, if you are half as stubborn as I’ve seen you be, it will be a hell of a long time before I am rid of you,” he said. “Good thing too, since I’m rather fond of you.” I smiled and he kissed my temple.
“Please, just don’t cry on my behalf. If nothing horrible happened, there’s no reason to cry,” I told him. “I feel as though you’re crying because of me and I just can’t stand to be the root of all this pain. If anything, I want to be the center of attention.” This made Liam smile, just like I thought it would.
“Selfish, selfish, selfish,” he said. I nodded. “You know as well as I do that it’s all about you and Jillian.” I shrugged in a what-can-you-do sort of way and he laughed. I was glad to hear his laugh.
“So, how was work, you never told me,” I said. Liam rolled his eyes. He told me about setting up his account on the Kinko’s computer system and how late night customers could be quite the creepers. He told me about this motorcycle man who came in to enlarge a photo of his cat, his little cat with a pink jacket on. I laughed when I knew Liam wanted me to and I knew this must have helped him relax a bit.

Fifteen-Liam
June didn’t want to see me upset; it made her feel as though she was causing me pain. I didn’t see how this was possible. I was very concerned about her and watched, horrified as the doctors told us it might be best for her to stay for observation. They wheeled her up to her room and I told her I’d call her work to tell them what happened. I walked to her room and entered. There was a drop in my stomach as I saw her on the bed. There was an IV in her arm and Jillian was asleep on a chair next to the bed. This wasn’t supposed to be the way things were for her anymore. She wasn’t supposed to have to deal with this shit from her dad. I sat next to her and held her hand in my own. The TV was on and she stared at it blankly. She had painkillers in her system now.
“Liam, did they fire me?” June asked. I shook my head.
“No, they understand. You just get some rest, okay,” I said. She nodded and was soon asleep. I decided to call Mom and tell her what happened. She was shocked and told me that she’d be there as soon as possible. I knew I was supposed to be strong about these things, but at that point all I really wanted was my parents to make it better. I called Dad as well. He was shocked I had a fiancée. He didn’t seem to be affected by the fact she had been attacked, but he said he’d try to make time to come and check up on me. I guess it was the best he could do. I didn’t know what I had expected from him, I was even more of a failure in his eyes by dropping out of school and getting married. I realized we wouldn’t be doing that this weekend either. I didn’t feel safe anymore. This wasn’t good, because I didn’t feel June was safe either and that’s all I wanted for her in the first place, for her to be safe. Mom walked into the room and gave me a big hug.
“Hey, pumpkin, how are you?” Mom asked me. I shrugged.
“I really don’t know, Mom. She was unconscious when I got home, her face is swollen. I wasn’t there to help her. I couldn’t keep him away from her like I promised. And now I’m so angry, there’s all this anger and nothing to let it out on. I just want to hit him!” I yelled. Mom sat me down.
“I know, we all want to get a good punch in, but we can’t. I called the cops again and this time it’s serious, especially if she’s in the hospital now. Maybe at night I could come over a few times a week. I can help her with Jillian and keep your mind at ease,” she said. I nodded, it sounded like a reasonable plan to me. She then told me to get some sleep and that June needed me to be well rested.
I was outside looking at June’s beautiful face. She was in a white gown and her hair was flowing freely in the wind. It was our wedding and she looked so happy, just the way I felt. I mouthed “I love you” to her as the priest started talking. When it came to the part where the priest asks if anyone objects to this union, etc., her dad stalks up the aisle. He grabbed her hair and tore off the bottom part of her dress.
“You can’t wear white!” He yells. “White means purity and you are in no way pure.” I was outraged. I shoved him and he punched me.
“Do you think I’m scared of you Mr. Euler? I’m not. You’d better not come near her again or you’ll be sorry,” I said kicking him to the ground. I helped June up as some guests carried her dad away. She wrapped her arms around me.
“Thank you,” she whispered. I kissed her cheek.
“I’d do anything to keep you safe,” I said.
That was the first thing I thought as my eyes opened and I saw June looking over at me. I would do anything to keep her safe. She touched my cheek and I took her hand in both of mine and kissed it.
“I love you so much,” I said. She smiled.
“Liam, I love you too. I’m sorry about what happened with my dad. I know it’s not my fault, but I want to apologize anyway,” she said. I kissed her on the lips this time.
“I’m sorry too. I would never have forgiven myself if he’d…” the thought was too horrible to finish, but she understood. She rested her head on the pillows.
“I know. You’d do anything for me. You are too damn good for me. You’d think with the life I’ve led things would be worse off, but you are the light that shines in the darkness of my life,” she told me. I kissed her forehead.
“I’ll keep shining, don’t you worry. You’re the light of my life too, June. I’m going to help you get better and then we’re going to get married,” I said. She got angry suddenly.
“God, why did he have to do this?!” she shouted. I put my hand on her shoulder, but that didn’t seem to help at all. “He just goes around doing whatever he wants, doesn’t give a damn about how it’s affecting his kids, and then bam! Our lives are ruined! He stole our wedding night, Liam!” She was so angry I couldn’t take it. She looked like her dad when he was angry, or what I pictured he would look like angry. I turned away.
“June, don’t do this, don’t get angry. It hurts me to see you this way,” I told her. She put her hand over mine.
“What if he never goes away? We have to put a stop to this,” she told me. I nodded.
“My mom’s already called the cops. You might have to witness against him, but I’d be there for you. The police are probably going to come by and question you later,” I said. She nodded. The anger in her eyes didn’t waver.
“He deserves what he gets,” she said darkly. I was afraid of the things June might be thinking. This couldn’t be the real her, it had to be an alter. The real June never got this angry. She never had evil thoughts of vengeance or anything. I was really scared of this June. Her eyes seemed to pierce whatever they looked at and I almost couldn’t stay in the room with her anymore.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get this all figured out,” I told her. She nodded. I watched her as she turned her head to look out the window. The sun was hidden behind the clouds and the sky was gray.
Mom had taken Jillian back to her place and promised to keep a very good eye on her. I didn’t want Jillian to see June like this. I didn’t want to traumatize her.
“I have had enough with all of his crap. He can’t treat me, or Jillian, like this and think he doesn’t deserve what comes to him. I wish he would just die,” June said. I couldn’t see her face, but her voice was still dark.
“June, are you alright?” I asked. She turned to me, her eyes wild. I was terrified by the anger. She didn’t look recognizable in the slightest.
“I’m fine! Stop asking me if I’m alright. If I weren’t alright, I’d tell you. You don’t have to freak out,” she yelled. I was freaking out though. It was right then that I began to think I might not be able to help her. Her dad might have won after all. I hated to think that, but what else could I think. There she was, angry at me, angry at her dad, and she was nothing like the person I fell in love with. Was this the real her?
Sixteen-June
Something inside me snapped and I realized I had yelled at Liam and I was crying. Liam didn’t turn around. He walked out of the room and I knew I had really screwed up. I could plead it was my alter, which it was, but I had still made him that upset. I really wished I knew what I had done, but that wasn’t possible. I had messed up and I thought it might be irreparable. At that point though, I didn’t particularly care too much. If it was going to be difficult for him to coexist with my alter egos, then maybe it was better for us not to be together. I thought of all those times when I thought all I needed was a boyfriend; someone to keep me safe, when all along there wasn’t any guy who could do that. I shouldn’t have expected so much from him. I just laid there and kept crying until I realized it was pointless to cry. What use were tears when nothing mattered? What was the point in wishing if nothing ever changed? Could things ever really change?
I pondered this for a good twenty minutes before Liam came back into the room. He studied my face and then walked towards me.
“Did I say something horrible earlier? I just remember you leaving and you looked fairly pissed and I reasoned that you probably had the right to be,” I told him. He sat down next to me and put his hand over mine.
“You were just so angry, and you looked so angry. I felt as though nothing I did could ever help you. And there’s nothing I want more than to help you,” Liam said. I put my other hand over his.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this too, you being unable to really help me. It’s not your fault. I was stupid to think someone could really help me. It’s all in my head and I have to find someway to work it all out before I can even think about being any use to anyone else. Does that make sense?” I asked. He looked at me quizzically for a minute before he wrapped an arm around me.
“It has a ring of sense to it,” he said. “I can help in small ways though; I don’t have to fix you. Maybe I just have to yell back when you yell at me.” I smiled. Yelling back, that sounded like it might work.
“Sure, let’s give that a try. Maybe you’ll be able to snap me out of things faster that way,” I said. Liam kissed my cheek.
“I swear, you looked as angry as your dad when you were yelling at me,” he said.
I tried to picture my face contorted like Dad’s when he’s angry. It took a little time to readjust my features in my head, but when I did, it was scary. I could just picture myself yelling like that and I knew why Liam didn’t turn around.
“I am so sorry. I know that I must’ve looked terrifying,” I said. He nodded. “You don’t have to agree wholeheartedly,” I fake complained. He kissed me.
“I’m sorry, that really wasn’t nice. I do think it was an alter though, you look wonderful now,” he said. I rolled my eyes.
“That’s a bunch of bull,” I told him. He shrugged but he didn’t change his mind.
They let me out of the hospital the next day and told Liam to make sure I slept, but to wake me up every four hours because of the concussion. Needless to say, I was not going to be returning to work that day. This only made things worse because not only would he have to watch Jillian, but he also felt like he had to watch me. He didn’t. We were in the living room- him and I on the couch, my head on his lap as I was laying down, and Jillian coloring in front of the TV- when Jillian went back into her room to take a nap. She had always been good about naps and had recently become aware to take one when she felt tired. Liam was stroking my hair and I smiled up at him.
“You should sleep too,” Liam said. I shook my head. Sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. All I wanted to do was lie there and talk to him, looking up into those eyes of his. Eyes that could penetrate even my most secret of thoughts.
“I want to just stay like this. No alters, no distractions. Just you and me, looking at each other and knowing,” I told him. He bent down and kissed my forehead.
“I do too, but you really need to sleep, June. I’ll be right here the whole time,” Liam told me. I smiled, nodded and fell asleep.
I fell straight into a nightmare.
The night was black and I was tired as the door opened. The man in the doorway was my father, but not quite. He looked like a skeleton, dead to the world except for me. I took a step back as he took one forward and I wanted to yell, but I knew that wouldn’t do any good. Dad was still drawing closer as my back collided with the wall.
“Where are you going to go now, Tessie?” Dad asked. He had called me Tess again, something he only did when he was lusting.
“I’m not Tess!” I yelled. He didn’t listen, just kept on coming. I put my arms up to shield myself, but he was too strong. He flung me onto the ground and I passed out.
When I woke up, Liam was in this dark room with me and he looked angry.
“I can’t believe you, June, I thought you were better than this,” Liam was saying. And then he sent me away. Dad had Jillian and I was starting to freak out, dusk was fast approaching and I had nowhere to go. I screamed, it was the only thing I had left. Just that raw emotion.
“June, wake up! It’s only a dream,” Liam said as he stroked my cheek, my head still on his lap. I nodded; I knew it had to be a dream. I realized then I must have been screaming in real life. Liam looked worried.
“Yeah, a dream…Where’s Jillian? Is she okay?” I asked. Liam nodded.
“Of course she’s okay, why wouldn’t she be?” He asked. I sat up and started pacing, I loved to pace.
“Just the dream is all, it freaked me out. It’s not that important though,” I said. He nodded and informed me that he would be leaving to get some things at the grocery store. I nodded.
“Are you going to be alright?” He asked. I told him I would be. So he left and I sat down to watch some TV. I flipped the channel to reruns of Dawson’s Creek. I knew I was only five-ish when the series ended, but I loved to watch the reruns. It happened to be the last episode today and I knew exactly what was going to happen. I had seen the finale three times. It never stopped being great. I knew right when Jen started switching dance partners that it wasn’t going to be long before she collapsed. Then Grams would play it off like nothing, a minor heart problem. Then Grams would be told how serious it was and would tell Jack. Five minutes later everyone knows and is very upset. Joey breaks up with her boyfriend. They all talk to Jen, Pacey going first to break the mood. Joey and Pacey have a food fight and Joey wonders if it’s okay to be so happy in such a sad time. Jen makes the video for her daughter, I cry. This part always makes me cry. I think of Jillian every time. I would hate to not be here for the important parts of her life.
By the time Liam gets home the gang is all at Pacey’s restaurant for Jen’s funeral. I’m crying again. Joey picks Pacey and Dawson writes it differently in his television show. Liam sits next to me.
“Are you really watching this?” Liam asked. I turned to him and nodded.
“Yes, I happen to love this show. It is just wonderful,” I said. He shook his head and looked at me disapprovingly.
“This show is so over dramatic. ‘Who’s she going to pick?’ That’s basically the only thing they talk about the whole time!” He said. I shook my head.
“Wrong! There are plenty of other things occurring in this show. One is Jack’s issues with his sexuality, not to mention his crazy sister Andy. Andy brings us to Pacey who has issues growing up and struggles with that while his own brother deals with sexuality issues. Pacey is in love with Joey. Joey’s key problem is, yes, choosing either Pacey or Dawson who have both been great to her. Dawson is caught up wanting to be Stephen Spielberg and he is so stuck in his fantasy world that he can’t escape, hence Joey calling him Peter Pan due to the fact he was stuck in Neverland. Jen is also a key role in the story because she is struggling with being a better person than she used to be. She is so wise and so misunderstood. Her death is the drawing point for which the season is able to end. If she hadn’t died, Joey wouldn’t have chosen Pacey so soon and Jack wouldn’t have a baby to raise with Pacey’s brother. Dawson would still be hung up on Joey and the endlessness would be infinite,” I explained. He looked dumbfounded. I smiled. “You see, it’s not just the simple love triangle.” He laughed.
“You have awakened me to the deeper meanings of Dawson’s Creek. I officially want to move to Capeside to fully immerse myself in every aspect of their lives,” he said sarcastically. I laughed as well.
“I’ll join you. I have always wanted to escape to Capeside. Although, I’m such a Jen, you’re probably into Joey,” I said. He shook his head.
“I’ve seen a limited amount of the show, but from what I’ve seen of Jen, I like her,” he said. He kissed me and I smiled wide. He wrapped his arm around me and we watched the TV in perfect contentedness.
We were married in the next month and spent five years in perfect happiness. Liam was the best dad anyone could have picked for Jillian. She started school and he drove her there every morning and picked her up after school. He was there when she came home crying because the boy behind her was pulling her hair. He was there when she came home smiling because the boy wanted to be her boyfriend. He was there when she lost her first tooth. He was there. He was there. He was there.
When I wasn’t working during the day, I was working on being normal. After my third year of counseling I was getting better. Five years in and I rarely saw any of my alters at all. I also rarely saw my daughter. I hated working during the day and only being there when she was sleeping. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my life. We were still in the same apartment and had saved up quite a bit of money. We wanted to get a bigger place because we wanted another child. Little did Liam know that a baby wasn’t going to wait for us to have a bigger place.
I got home from a doctor’s appointment and I looked into Jillian’s room. She was reading a book. She was so smart; she had started reading at the age of four and had almost worked her way up to chapter books. I walked into the room I shared with Liam and took his hand and kissed his cheek. I held my lips up to his ear.
“I have a secret,” I whispered. He looked into my eyes and kissed my forehead.
“I love secrets, care to share?” He asked. I bit my lip and shrugged before sitting down on our bed. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me.
“Hmm, does it have anything to do with you?” He asked. I nodded. “Does it have anything to do with your alters?” He asked. I shook my head. Then I got a craving.
“Do we have any pineapple?” I asked him. He looked at me.
“Pineapple? I have never once seen you eat a pineapple,” he told me. I shrugged.
“Can’t a woman suddenly want pineapple?” I asked with a sly smile. “I mean, come on, people have weird cravings all the time.” He looked at me strangely.
“You’ve never had weird cravings before…Oh my gosh! Is that your secret? June, are you having a baby?” He asked. I nodded and smiled so big my cheeks hurt. He kissed me about twenty times before just staring at me and smiling. “I can’t believe it. We’re going to have a child. June, I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Liam. Now, do you want to come with me to tell Jillian?” I asked, knowing the answer was going to be yes because he wanted to be there when she heard the great news. So we walked into her room and told her to stop reading for a minute. “Jillian, Daddy and I have something we would like to tell you,” I said. She looked up at me expectantly.
“Yeah, what is it?” She asked. She smiled and I knew it was because we were smiling.
“We’re going to have a baby, Jill. You’re going to be a big sister,” I said. She kept her smile for a while and then the smile was gone. She picked up her book again and started to read. “What do you think?” I asked.
“It’s great, Mom,” she said nonchalantly. I looked at Liam. I felt this wasn’t going too well.
“Is something wrong?” Liam asked her. She looked up and I could see the tears building in her eyes.
“Are you going to love the new baby more because it’s yours?” Jillian asked him. He sat down next to her and gathered her in his arms. She was almost too big to do this, but her small frame made it possible.
“Of course not, I’ll love both of you the same. Jill, I don’t care if I’m your biological dad or not, I’m your father and that’s all I’m ever going to be,” he said. She nodded and cried in relief because she had already built up all of those tears. He knew exactly what she needed and I felt excluded from this. I knew it was stupid to feel jealous, I should be happy that my daughter and husband got along so well, but I felt like I barely knew my own child. I was the worst mother ever. Was this how things were going to be after this baby was born? Was I going to go back to working while my kids were awake and never seeing them? I didn’t want to be like that. I got up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. After a few minutes Liam walked in and stood next to me.
“She’s really excited about being a big sister,” Liam told me. I nodded, but was still thinking about what a horrible mother I was. He put a hand on my shoulder and I jumped. “Whoa, are you alright?” I turned to look at him.
“I’m the worst mother ever. I almost never see Jillian and she tells you everything. Am I going to not be there for this baby too?” I asked. He looked at me and pulled me into his arms.
“Oh, honey, no. You are not the worst mother ever. I know it’s tough because you work during the day, but you can’t work at night and when you started we couldn’t afford for one of us to not work. But now, I think it would be okay for you to stop working, if you’d like,” he said. I looked into his eyes.
“I can’t stop working, I just… I don’t even know. Why can’t I be a better mother?” I asked. He kissed me.
“June, you are the best mother, here, sit down,” he said directing me to the couch. “June, Jill comes home everyday and asks to hear stories about you. She wrote a paper about you. It was a journal entry about her hero.” I turned to look at him.
“Really? How can I be her hero when I only see her for two hours before she goes to bed?” I asked. I felt horrible because this feeling had never occurred to me before. Five years and it was only now that I felt as if I wasn’t doing my job. He wrapped an arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.
“It’s because of all your hard work. She knows you haven’t had it easy. She knows that you would rather be with us instead of working, but she also knows that you’re doing this for her. You want her to grow up in a good atmosphere, one you weren’t provided with,” Liam said. I wanted to cry. She was so smart and he was so amazing. I was so lucky to have both of them, and the one that was growing inside of me. Liam put his hand on my stomach. “This should be a happy time; we’re going to have a baby.” I nodded and smiled.
Seventeen-Liam
When June told me that she was pregnant I was overjoyed. I’d wanted to have a child with her for almost five years. I knew it would be best if she’d gotten rid of the majority of her alters and it would also help if we had more money. Now both of these things were true. Jillian loved the thought of being a sister and it took a while to convince June that everything was going to be okay. I never thought June would feel the way she did. I knew she worked all day and came home rightfully exhausted, but I didn’t know how much it was affecting her not to be able to spend a lot of time with Jill.
“I think you should stay home while you’re pregnant,” I told June that night. She looked at me like I suddenly had two heads.
“Are you insane? We need the money. I can take a few months off when the baby’s born, paid maternity leave, it will help us out more,” she said.
“June, I’m not concerned about the money, I worry about you. You’ve been doing really well and I’m afraid that if you push yourself, your alters might return,” I said. She looked at me like the thought had never crossed her mind.
“I don’t think that will happen. I really need to work though,” June said. I took her hand.
“Alright, but I only want you to work part time. You can work for three hours a day, only while Jillian’s still in school. Then, when you’re further along, I really want you to stop. I can get another job, and we have money saved now,” I told her. I put my hand on her stomach, like I had found myself doing numerous times since I found out about the baby growing there.
“Liam, that is so sweet of you, but I can’t let you get another job. Maybe I could work full time until I’m further along and then stop,” June suggested. I shook my head.
“No, I am not going to budge on that decision,” I said. She rested her head on my shoulder.
“It’s so weird to think that there’s a little baby growing inside of me,” she said suddenly. I nodded and kissed her.
“I know. So, you went to see the doctor today, what did he say? Anything I should know about?” I asked. She told me about the appointment, how he told her to rest a little more, so as not to put too much stress on her body. He also told her to eat more, apparently she wasn’t eating enough. “June, you really need to stick to these instructions,” I said. She nodded. I took her hand in mine and we stood up. “Time for bed, I’m calling Mom in the morning and I want you to stay home tomorrow so we can tell her.”
“Oh, alright, if you insist, I’ll take a day off,” she joked. I laughed and we went to bed. I was so happy, things were moving forward and everything was going great.
“Did you skip out on work last night?” June asked me the next morning as we drove Jillian to school. I shook my head.
“No, I called and told them the great news, they were happy for us,” I told her. I pulled into the lot and we said goodbye to Jill and told her to have a good day. I started the drive home when I noticed that June looked a little worried. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. She didn’t look at me.
“What if your mom isn’t happy about it?” she asked. I laughed, I didn’t mean to be rude, but there didn’t seem like another suitable reaction.
“June,” I said, “My mother loves you. She has since day one. You remember day one, right? And if she could love you then, it should be so much easier to love you now,” I said. She chuckled.
“Wow, I didn’t know I was such a thorn in the side when we started dating,” she said. I shook my head.
“It was the alters,” I said. We pulled into my mother’s drive and walked up to the front door and knocked. She opened the door and ushered us inside.
The house looked almost the exact way it had before I moved out. There were pictures of my mom and me; there was one photo of me, Mom, and Dad. This one always struck me. Mom had on a pants suit and Dad had on a regular suit. I was standing in the center, looking at Dad while he was turning the opposite direction. Then I saw my mom was looking away too. The only thing that had really changed was the fact that Louise had moved out about a year ago. They had a good run, but ultimately Louise loved to travel more than she loved Mom. Louise had added a few touches to the house, a throw pillow here, a candle there. These were still in plain sight as a reminder to Mom of Louise’s existence. As if she hadn’t had four years to replay in her head.
Mom brought out bagels and June declined. I looked at her sternly.
“You really should eat one,” I told her. She nodded, picked one up and began to eat it. Mom looked at us quizzically.
“Mom, we have something we want to tell you,” I started. I put my arm around June’s waist.
“Oh my gosh, is this what I think it is? Are you about to tell me I’m going to be a grandma?” She asked. I nodded and June smiled. Mom smiled back. Then she got up and put her arms around June. “How far along are you?”
“About three months. Funny thing is I thought that the food at my work was making me sick. I would’ve gone to see a doctor sooner if I would have guessed. I mean I don’t get my period every single month anyways,” June said. Mom asked June if she thought she was showing at all. June said that if she was it was only a little. Not enough to be very noticeable. I hadn’t noticed.
“Are you thinking about names yet?” Mom asked. I shook my head but June nodded. I looked at her.
“Sorry, but I’ve had some name ideas ever since I was little,” she said. I nodded and asked what they were. “I was thinking maybe Todd Michael for a boy or Cadence Renee for a girl.” I smiled. Those both sounded like great names. I kissed her cheek.
“Those sound lovely,” I told her. She smiled. Mom went on for over an hour about all the things she did when she was pregnant with me. She also emphasized eating right and getting enough rest. We went home and I made some lunch for us. When we were halfway through she looked up at me.
“I am so tired, I think I’m going to take a nap,” she said. I shook my head.
“While I’m a huge fan of the nap, I really think you should finish your sandwich first,” I said. She looked at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich as if it were humungous. She looked rather queasy as well.
“I don’t think I can eat that,” she said. I nodded.
“Alright, then, let’s take a nap,” I said. I took her hand and we went into our room and fell asleep on the bed. I woke up when my alarm went off. It was time to go pick up Jill. I looked over at June. She looked so peaceful, her hand on her stomach. I knew she wanted to go pick up Jill with me, but I really didn’t want to disturb her. She was so beautiful. I patted her arm. Her eyes squinted a bit.
“Huh?” June asked, as though she was curious as to why I was waking her up. I put my hand on her forehead, wiping her hair off of her face.
“Do you want to pick up Jillian with me?” I asked. She nodded without opening her eyes. Her left hand found my right and she pulled herself into a sitting position. I looked at her and chuckled. Her eyes were still closed. “June, if you want to sleep more, you can,” I told her. She shook her head.
“No, I’m gong with you to pick up our daughter from school,” she said. She opened her eyes and stood up. “Move it, we’re going to be late.” I laughed and went along with her. We got into the car and started towards Jill’s school.
“Hey, do you think Jill’s alright with this baby? I mean, I know I’ve been here most of her life, but do you think I’ll become too absorbed in our baby?” I asked her. I was terrified of being a horrible father. I never wanted Jillian to think I didn’t love her. June put her hand on my shoulder.
“Liam, you are the best dad ever. That girl couldn’t love you any more if you were her biological father. You and I and even Jillian know you would never love her any less. This baby is going to be the most loved little thing. Especially since you are here,” she said. I smiled, glad that she could tell me exactly what I needed to hear. I pulled into the school lot and waited in line for Jill. We were right in front of the school when she came skipping out of there with her hand in a boy’s. His name was Tommy; she told me she was going to marry him. I leaned in to June’s ear.
“That’s Tommy,” I whispered. She gasped.
“Oh, he is cute. Look at them holding hands. What’s he doing now…” she said. I knew what he was doing. He leaned down to Jillian’s face and kissed her on the cheek. This action sent warning signals up and down my back.
“Did he just kiss her?” I asked. June looked at me and chuckled.
“Oh, honey, he only kissed her cheek. It was sweet,” June said. I didn’t know how that was sweet. She’s only seven. She shouldn’t be kissing anyone. Jill opened the car door and got inside. “Hey there,” June said turning around.
“Hi, Mommy! How are you?” Jillian asked. June smiled.
“I’m doing great. Was that Tommy I saw you with over there?” June asked. Jillian nodded and we started moving out of the lot.
“How was school?” I asked her. She rummaged through her backpack before answering. She handed June a picture.
“It was great, Dad. I painted, just like you! Mrs. Lillith said it was the best in the class! Tommy even gave me a kiss for doing so well. I showed it to him right after school,” she said. I merged lanes and thought about what she’d just said.
“Why did you show him after school, isn’t he in your class?” I questioned. She shook her head. June’s expression changed.
“No, he’s in fourth grade,” Jill told us. I didn’t feel so good. June didn’t respond well to this either.
“Fourth grade?! Jillian, he’s three years older than you?” June asked. She nodded.
“Why is that such a big deal? He thinks I’m pretty,” Jillian told us. I pulled into our parking lot and parked.
“It’s not a big deal…it’s just…three years is a big difference,” I said. June nodded her head in agreement. Jillian went to her room in a huff and I knew she probably wouldn’t stop hanging out with Tommy. I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. “I thought boy trouble was scheduled for later. I am not ready to handle boyfriends,” I told June.
“I’m not ready to handle them either. Older boys, Liam, she is dating boys three years older than she is. They’re going to be teenagers soon. I don’t like teenaged boys,” June said. I looked up at her and she looked genuinely worried about this. I took her hand and had her sit down.
“Okay, let’s not worry about this. I mean, she’s only seven, it’s nothing serious. We can deal with fourth grade boys,” I told her. She nodded.
“Okay. Liam…?” she said. It sounded like an incomplete question.
“What?” I asked. She looked at me like she had missed something major.
“When did Jill start growing up so fast? Wasn’t she just two? Did I really miss so much?” She asked. I took her hand in mine.
“You didn’t miss a thing. She has always been mature for her age. She gets that from you,” I said. June handed over the picture Jillian had given her.
“She gets this from being around you and your brilliance so much,” she said. I looked at the painting and saw a self-portrait of Jillian. It was the best work I had seen anyone do in the first grade.
“Wow,” I said. Jillian was so talented at painting that I immediately thought of all the things I wanted to buy for her so she could paint all the time. June stood up and walked over to a painting on the wall. I had made it for her eighteenth birthday.
In the center of the painting was June’s face. Out of her eyes came a wisp of a ghost that looked a lot like her, but the eyes were much sadder. Then from the mouth came the ghost of an angrier June. And finally, behind her, there was a ghost of a person who looked an awful lot like June, but a bit older and a bit more disheveled. These three ghosts were her alter egos. I walked over to June and put an arm around her shoulder.
“Those were some crazy times, huh?” She said. I nodded.
“But I wouldn’t trade a minute of it,” I said. She looked at me quizzically.
“Are you serious? Surely you wish you would have gone to college. I know you got your GED, but I know you really wanted to be a big college guy,” she said. I shrugged.
“The way I see it,” I told her, “is that there were two roads before me. One of them was the safe and easy way, college. The other was the road that came with suffering and it wasn’t always easy to stay on, life with you. You see, even though the road was rough, the end result, everything with you and our family makes it worth it every time.” She kissed me.
“Boy am I glad you like to suffer,” she joked. I laughed and she laughed as well. Jillian came out of her room to see what was so funny. We told her how we were laughing about choices we’d made long ago. She didn’t get it but she laughed because we were.

Eighteen-June
It was good to know that I wasn’t the only one freaking out about being a parent again. That was only one of the less pressing issues. I was really concerned about Jillian and that fourth grade Tommy. Boys with blue eyes like his were trouble. Liam was so adorable that first day after I had told him about the baby. It was like anything that happened might be bad for the baby and he checked out a website almost every hour to make sure things were okay. I loved that about him. He was so good to me, way more than I deserved. That night before he left for work he sat down next to me on the couch.
“Are you going to be alright here?” He asked. I smiled and nodded.
“Liam, I’ll be just fine. I’ve been pregnant before,” I said. We both knew this didn’t mean anything. I had been completely overcome by an alter ego the entirety of my pregnancy with Jillian. He kissed my cheek.
“Call me if you need anything,” he said. I nodded. I didn’t intend to call him at all.
I was flipping through channels a few hours later. I couldn’t sleep despite all the times I’d been told sleep was something I really needed right now. Something was keeping me awake. I wasn’t sure what it was keeping me awake until I came upon an interesting news story.
Today, at the Miller County Jail, there has been an escape. No one’s quite sure how fifty year old Simon Vincent, a man imprisoned for abuse against his daughter, managed to slip out during the night, but police are out all over the area. If you see a man…The news anchor went on to describe my father in detail, but I had seen enough. I picked up my phone and called Liam immediately. He answered on the second ring.
“Hey, June, is everything alright? Why are you still awake?” Liam asked. I stood up and began to pace.
“It’s horrible. I just saw the news…he’s escaped,” I said. Without missing a beat Liam knew who I was talking about.
“What are the police doing? Are the doors secured?” He asked. I nodded. I walked over to double check anyhow.
“Yeah, doors are locked. The news said that police are out all over the area…” I was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Open up, police,” a voice boomed. I heard Liam let out a sigh of relief. I told him I’d call him back if there were any further developments. I opened the door for the officer and welcomed him inside. “Miss Vincent?” The officer asked.
“Well I’m technically Mrs. Rogerson now, but yes, I’m his daughter,” I told the officer. He nodded and told me what was going on. He told me that there would be a cop stationed downstairs and I wasn’t to leave the premises. The officer gave me a handshake and left. I called Liam back and told him everything I knew.
“Okay, I’ll be home in fifteen minutes. Are you alright until I get there or do you want me to stay on the phone with you?” He asked.
“I’ll be fine, Liam. You be careful driving home,” I said.
“I will be,” he said. We hung up and I sat back down on the couch. I was tired then and fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken a little while later to Liam rubbing my shoulder.
“Hey, you’re home,” I said groggily. He nodded and pulled me into him. He gave me a kiss and I wished everything could be like this. I wished everything could be big hugs and pure affection. Love.
“I’m sorry that I woke you,” Liam said. “Let’s go to bed, huh? Maybe things will look better in the morning.” I nodded and we fell asleep together.
There was a huge crash and I ran into our shared room. I looked down and saw Jillian on the ground. Dad was lurking in the corner. I pick my young daughter up off the floor and demand to know what Dad did to her. He laughed and I had chills run up and down my entire body.
“It’s not important. You didn’t love me because of her. She’s gone now and we can be together,” he said. I look down at the two year old, she’d done nothing wrong in her entire life and yet it was ended. I placed Jillian back on the ground and ran at my father.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I kept yelling as I would flail my arms at him. He grabbed my hands and held them tight in his own. He leaned his face into mine.
“Now we can be together forever,” he said. I wanted to die right then and there. I wanted to be so far away from him. I kicked him so hard he let go of me and curled up on the ground.
“Burn in hell,” I said before I took off running. I didn’t know where I was running to, but I had to run.
I shot up, instantly wide awake. I knew I startled Liam because he jerked upright as well and turned to look at me. I had to catch my breath; the running in my dream seemed so real. He put his hand on my back and asked if I was okay. I nodded.
“I just had the worst dream of my life,” I said. He stroked my hair and kissed my cheek.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked. I shook my head. “Was it about Jillian and your dad again?” I nodded. He pulled me into him and I relaxed a bit. I then got up to use the restroom and to check on Jill. She was still asleep, she looked so beautiful. I couldn’t believe she was seven already. I still pictured her as that two year old that could capture your heart with a smile. Now she could dazzle with her knowledge, and she was only seven. Liam stood behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“We done well,” I told him. He kissed my neck.
“She reminds me of you,” he said. I looked at him with curiosity. “She’s so smart and ambitious. And stubborn. She has your stubborn tendencies.” I fake punched him.
“In all fairness we both got that from Dad. She inherited your raw painting ability by you just being with her all the time. You are Super Dad,” I told him. We walked to the couch. I looked at Liam. He hadn’t aged much, looks-wise in five years. He still had longish brown hair that fell loosely around his jaw. His eyes still were pure and blue despite all the tribulations we’d been through. But more important than the fact he hadn’t changed physically, his personality was basically the same. He was still so kind and protective of Jillian and I. He still acted like a kid when we were playing around. He was still the best painter I’d ever known. I looked over at the picture he’d made for my eighteenth birthday.
“What’cha thinking about?” Liam asked. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder.
“I was thinking about how you still act eighteen,” I said. He laughed.
“Well, I’d have to say eighteen was a good year for me. I met some fairly amazing people,” Liam said with a sly smile.
“Really? Who did you meet?” I questioned jokingly.
“You don’t know them, they’re really cool,” he joked. I frowned.
“You’re right, I don’t know cool people,” I told him. He kissed me.
“I love you,” he said.
“Love you too, Liam,” I said. He got this look on his face suddenly.
“Did I tell you I got a letter from Paul?” He asked. I shook my head. Paul was one of Liam’s best friends in high school. I didn’t know him particularly well, but Liam spoke highly of his goofy friend. “He and Diana are finally getting married.” Diana is someone I did know. She and I had a few classes together and we traded books often. If I had a book she liked she’d borrow it and have it back the next day. Paul and Diana had been seeing each other a few weeks before Liam and I started dating, so “finally” was quite the understatement.
“Oh my gosh, that is so amazing. When’s the wedding?” I questioned. He went and got the letter.
“It looks like it will be in March. We won’t have the new baby by then,” he said. I nodded. My due date was in May.
“I will probably be fat by then,” I said with a sad sigh. Liam rolled his eyes and kissed my cheek.
“Oh, yeah, you’ll be huge. Will you even be able to wear a dress?” He asked jokingly. I fake laughed.
“It’s not funny, Liam. I think I’ve already put on five pounds. This isn’t funny,” I repeated for emphasis.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I won’t joke about that anymore,” he said. I nodded and told him that that was a very good idea. “It’s four in the morning. June, you really should get more sleep.” I shook my head.
“Please don’t be overbearing about this,” I said. He looked at me questioningly. “I’m alright, promise. I don’t have a serious health problem; people take much worse care of themselves than I do.” He nodded. It was with that sentence that I doomed everything.
People tell you that once you say something about health or sickness, you’ve jinxed yourself. I am not one of those believers, but I should have been. Like when someone says they’ve never broken a bone and the next day they fall off the steps and break an arm. Or those people who say that a sickness has not spread to their house will get the illness in the next week. When I said that I was healthy and the baby and pregnancy were going to go fine, I jinxed myself.
Later that day a police officer came to the door to tell us that Dad had been apprehended. He was caught trying to skip town to visit my mother. I felt a little guilty then, only because Mom had been in that facility for so long and not once did I try to see her. Liam was also having conflicting thoughts about telling his father we were going to have a baby. He had always wanted his dad to be proud of him, but nothing had worked so far. I told him that it was his dad that was in the wrong, but Liam never believed me. Liam then decided to tell his dad, so we got dressed up and went to dinner with him. I had been stressing because my nice clothes were a bit tight. Sweat pants were about to become my best friends. I had that feeling.
We walked into the restaurant and sat down with Jillian and Me on one side and Liam and his father, Ted, on the other. I was always nervous around Ted, he never seemed very happy with me. I knew he blamed me for Liam not attending college, and I could almost understand that, but it was five years ago.
“So, William, you invited me to this dinner, do you need money?” Ted asked. My jaw dropped.
“Now wait a minute…” I started, but Liam shot me a look and I drew back.
“Dad, we don’t need money, we wanted to tell you something,” Liam said. I nodded and Jillian had a huge smile on her face.
“Yes…?” Ted asked. I nudged Jillian telling her that she could tell the story if she wanted.
“Mommy’s having a baby!” Jill shouted. This time it was Ted’s jaw that dropped. He looked at Liam.
“But, William, I thought you were going to go back to school after Jill was old enough,” Ted said. It sounded as if the two had done some discussion on the topic. Discussion I wasn’t aware of.
“You were?” I asked turning to Liam. Ted nodded. Liam looked down at his napkin.
“I was thinking about it. I mean, it would mean more money for us,” he said. I nodded and felt totally betrayed. How could Liam tell his dad stuff like this and never once bring it up with me? I felt sick to my stomach. I got up went to the bathroom to get sick to my stomach. I wiped my mouth and went back to the table. “Are you okay?” Liam asked.
“Sure, physically I’m a bit woozy, but other then that I just feel a bit betrayed. Liam, why didn’t you tell me any of this?” I asked. He shrugged.
“You were always so busy and I didn’t want to put any stress on you. You’ve been doing so well lately,” he said. I shook my head.
“There’s only one thing we can do to make this work, I’ll have to work nights. I think we can do it,” I said. Ted seemed to agree wholeheartedly.
“See, she’s all for you moving forward in life,” he said. I nodded and Liam shook his head.
“Dad, June can’t work at night, it’s dangerous,” Liam said. No matter how much Liam wanted to impress his father, he never did anything to compromise what he thought was best for me and Jillian.
“Liam, do you want to be stuck in that apartment forever? Do you want to keep working that dead end job that you hate?” Ted questioned his son. I was getting very upset; no one should treat their son this way. I stood up.
“How dare you?! Liam is the hardest working guy I know and he takes great care of his family. He came here to tell you that he’s going to be a dad and all you can do is tell him all of this stuff about how he could have a better job. Can’t you just be happy for him?” I asked. Yelling so much made me a bit dizzy, but I wasn’t going to sit down. Ted looked at me.
“Maybe I am a little harsh, but I’m just trying to help you out. Everything will be better when you don’t have to work anymore,” Ted told me. I couldn’t believe this!
“Wow, you think I’m that selfish? I would never put my needs before those of Liam’s,” I said. “If he’d told me, I’d have put everything aside so he could get a diploma,” I said. I was really dizzy by this point. I had begun to shake and Jillian looked up at me.
“Mommy,” she said, “are you alright?” I looked down at her and started to nod. I fell over with the effort and Liam got up immediately to help me. He put an arm around my waist and started to lead me toward the exit. Jillian was right behind us and Liam asked if his dad wouldn’t mind driving Jillian to the hospital. I looked up at him.
“Hospital? That seems like a bit of an overreaction” I told him. He shook his head and sat me down in the passenger’s seat. Jillian was resisting and crying out toward us.
“Don’t worry,” Liam told her, “you’ll see us in just a little bit.” I buckled in and Liam took off. We were still a while away when my stomach started to hurt and I knew something had gone terribly wrong.
“Faster,” I said. Liam didn’t want to speed. “Honey, I think I lost her.” He started to speed. We got there in five minutes when it should have taken ten. We parked in the emergency room lot and Liam basically carried me inside.
I wasn’t quite correct in my assumptions, I hadn’t lost the baby, but there were definitely some complications. Liam held my hand the whole time. The doctor told us that the possibility we would lose this baby was larger than it should be and even if I carried the baby to term, it could be hazardous to my health. There was a very little chance that both of us would survive. Jillian was glad when we were going home and fell asleep in the back seat. I was terrified and Liam was concerned. We got home and Liam put Jillian in her bed and I sat down on the couch. Liam sat down on the couch and pulled me into his arms.
“I’m so scared, Liam,” I told him. He kissed my forehead. He didn’t say anything. I looked up at his face and saw the tears building in his eyes. “Liam,” I said, sitting up, “stop crying, please. I don’t want to make you cry,” He shook his head.
“No, it’s not your fault. I hate that this is happening. We lose the baby or I lose you, neither of which is a good option. June, things were just starting to come together!” He yelled. I nodded.
“Liam, you have to take care of them, okay? Let’s just count on you taking care of the kids. Jillian’s old enough to start helping…” I said.
“No, June, don’t even talk like that. I want to just live life now. We’ll make these next few months the best we can. You have to take extremely good care of yourself,” Liam said. He then told me that Ted planned on helping us out monetarily because I wasn’t supposed to work. I was finally going to get time with Jillian. This meant a lot to me, especially if I didn’t have much longer to live.
“Liam, I have to talk about this, if I don’t, we don’t have a plan. We need a plan,” I told him. He nodded and I knew he really didn’t want to talk about this. But he talked, if only it was to make me feel better. I talked about having the baby as though it was the last thing I’d ever get to do, and I knew there was a possibility that it would be. Liam talked about the future. I told him to stop with the wishful thinking, we had to be realistic. This was one of the biggest fights we’d ever had. I knew it was pointless to talk about my future despite how much Liam wanted or even I wanted to live. That’s not the way life worked and the sooner he realized it the better.

Nineteen-Liam
After receiving the news about June’s pregnancy we talked for almost three hours about what would happen if she died. June dying is something I never wanted to imagine, but it was something that needed to be discussed. We went to bed that night, exhausted from the anger and sadness we knew were to come if either she or the baby was lost. I promised her that no matter what, I would take care of Jillian.
I walk into the kitchen and Jillian looks up from her cup of coffee as Junie runs around with the crayons she colors with. I look at Jill and I have to hold back tears. It seemed as if she had transformed overnight into this beautiful young woman. She looks so much like her mother it almost hurts to look at her. I take that moment to close my eyes and tell June how much I miss her. It has been seven years since June’s death and I still miss her as much as I ever had. Jillian catches my eye and smiles at me. She knows who I’m thinking about. I sit down next to her.
“It’s her birthday today,” she tells me. I nod. She would have been thirty today. Jill puts her hand over mine. “I miss her too, Dad.” Junie, named for her mother, comes over and sits on my lap.
“Why does everyone look so sad?” The seven year old questions.
It is that point in the dream that I wake up. I have had this dream for a few months now and it still disturbs me. Tomorrow is Paul and Diana’s wedding and I think June and I are both relieved she’s still here to witness it. I walked into the kitchen area to find Jill seated at the table. She looked up when she heard me enter.
“Is Mom dying?” The girl asked. I sat down next to her, she never missed a hint.
“We don’t know, Jill. She might be, or we might lose the baby,” I said. She nodded as if she had been expecting this answer.
“I had a dream, it was like in the future,” she said. She then goes on to describe the dream I have been having for a while. I hugged her tight, hoping that this wasn’t a sign, but knowing it had to be. June walked into the room then, her hand on her belly. She was very pregnant at this point and was no longer able to drive. The doctor had suggested bed rest, but June was insistent on going to this wedding. She looked at us and got this sad smile on her face.
“You had the dream too, didn’t you?” June asked. I got up from my seat and walked over to gather her in my arms. I didn’t like the way this was playing out. “Liam, if I’m going to die, it’s good to know that everyone else will be alright. Although, it would be better if you’d find someone else before seven years pass, that’s an awfully long time to be alone.” I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. Was she really saying I should find someone else?
“June, I can’t replace you. It’s going to be you or it’s going to be no one,” I said. She shook her head sadly and motioned toward Jillian.
“That’s not fair, you have to move on. I would die a thousand more deaths if I knew you were unhappy. Besides, our daughters need a mother too,” she insisted. Jillian ran over to us then.
“Mommy, I don’t want a new you. I love you,” she said as she began to cry. June looked down at her daughter and couldn’t contain herself. She held Jillian close to her and I held June close to me.
“Jillian, honey, I love you too. I will always love you,” she said. She got a look on her face then and I knew she had to be thinking about something big.
“Look at the stars at night, Jillie. If you see one sparkling right at you, it will be me, looking down and watching you,” she said. “As long as you can see those stars, Jillian, you can convince yourself you’re not alone. Mom might have left you, but you and Daddy will be here for each other.” In that instant I realized how much our lives were going to change. When June said that about the stars Jillian looked up at her, as if remembering a similar speech from long ago, June started to cry. She leaned her head closer to mine and whispered, “Let’s get all of this crying nonsense out of the way before your mother gets here.” I smiled and let her cry.
Paul and Diana lived a few towns away and we were going to leave today so that we could get a room at the hotel nearby. Mom came to watch Jillian and June and I got in the car and took off toward Creek’s Crossing. We talked the whole way there. June brought up the night we watched Dawson’s Creek together and pointed out that she was more like Jen than we had ever realized. We then talked about Jillian. We spent hours discussing everything Jill had ever done and everything she was capable of doing. We talked a little about the future, but mostly we kept the conversation light. We were going to make this the best two days ever, if only to make it special for our friends.
We hadn’t told anyone about June’s pregnancy and we hoped to make it through the weekend without anything going wrong. She pointed out how this was another thing she shared with Jen and I just chuckled, trying not to think of what that could mean. June’s best friend from high school, Elaine was going to be there and June was excited to see her again. They had only talked over the phone and through email, and June was excited to meet Elaine’s husband of almost a year, Patrick. Owen was supposed to join the fun as well, but he had recently been transferred to a different area.
We arrived at Creek’s Crossing’s only bed and breakfast at around five in the evening and Elaine was the one to greet us. She stopped in front of June and let out a huge squeal.
“Oh my god, look at you! You’re having a baby and you didn’t tell me?!” Elaine said. June shrugged and nodded.
“I figured I’d surprise you with how huge I am,” June said jokingly. I put an arm around her shoulders.
“You’re not that huge,” I said, kissing her cheek. They chuckled and went off to talk about everything. I watched June walk away and I couldn’t keep myself from hoping everything would be alright after all. Someone put a hand on my shoulder and I turned around to see Paul.
“Wow, she’s huge,” Paul said in way of greeting. I laughed, I couldn’t help it. That was a classic Paul move. I gave him a one armed hug.
“She’s carrying my baby, dude, be nice,” I said. He chuckled. I looked up at Paul. He looked older. His black hair was shorter and calmer than it had been. He looked more orderly than I’d ever seen him. The whole ensemble reeked of a corporate desk job and I told him so. He nodded sadly.
“Yes, it’s true; I’ve been taken in by the monotony of the corporate conglomerate. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he said with fake sincerity. I tsk-tsk-ed at him and we laughed some more.
“So where’s your lovely lady?” I asked Paul. He pointed across the room and I could see Diana enter the room. She looked almost the same, although her clothing style was definitely not as risqué as it used to be. She spotted me and started to run my way.
“Liam! I can’t believe it’s you!” She shouted. She still could yell, that was obvious. I nodded. “Where is your lovely wife?” I pointed in June’s direction.
“That’s her, Diana, the giant one,” Paul said. Diana punched him in the arm.
“Oh, Liam! A baby, you guys must be so happy! Paul, be nice,” she said. I smiled and nodded, but I wasn’t very happy. Every time someone mentioned how both of us should be happy, I thought about how we were never going to celebrate our baby’s birthdays together. I thought about how June would miss out on seeing her daughters grow up. “Damn, she is still sexy,” Diana joked. I nodded.
“That’s my June, sexy ‘til the end,” I said. Both of them looked at me.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Paul asked. I shook my head.
“Nothing, it’s just an expression. June will be sexy forever,” I said. Diana nodded. Paul looked at me questioningly, but didn’t say anything further.
I told them that I had to bring all the stuff upstairs, but June and I would meet them for dinner at Luigi’s in an hour. I took June by the hand and we walked up the stairs together, slowly.
“I almost totally blew it,” I told her she looked at me.
“Liam, you can’t blow this. This trip is about Paul and Diana, not you and me,” she said. I nodded. We unpacked everything necessary and June used the restroom.
We met up with everyone a bit later and we sat down to eat the pizza Paul and Diana had ordered. It had a lot of peppers on it and June didn’t really do well with peppers. She looked queasy the whole time, but she insisted to stay. This weekend was more important to her than any of them knew.
We all talked about how are lives were going, Paul talked about working his way up in the corporate world while Diana discussed how she could rule the world someday with her fashion empire. That was typical Diana. She had wanted to rule the world as long as I’d known her and it still seemed like a bad idea. Elaine talked about being a small town librarian and Patrick discussed the finer points of architecture. Then our friends looked at us. We were the only ones who didn’t attend college and I felt they were all thinking about this as I talked about painting and June talked about how she used to be a waitress. They all had such bright futures and high aspirations, but I didn’t feel as if I’d missed out on anything. We wrapped up the evening by discussing the wedding and toasting to lots of love and prosperity to the couple.
We got back to the room and I could tell June was deep in thought.
“What is it, June?” I asked as she threw her purse on the ground and sat down on the bed.
“I’m leaving you stuck,” she said. I squinted at her. “If I were still around, you could go to college. You could get a degree in art. You could have just as bright of a future as any one of our other friends. But now you have kids to take care of.” She obviously didn’t see things the way I did.
“June, I don’t feel as if I’ve missed out,” I told her. “Sure, they might make more money, but which of them could say they had been there for their daughter when she woke up from a nightmare? Which of them can say they’ve been married to the love of their lives for five years?” I asked. “None of them, none of them have had these experiences.” She smiled and I gave her a kiss.
“I never thought of it that way,” she told me. I nodded.
“That’s the only way I think about it,” I said. “If you go on and on about what you could have done, you waste so much of your life. Living now is the only way to live. I wouldn’t trade any minute of my life with you,” I said. She smiled, but then forced the smile into a scowl.
“I know, Liam. I wouldn’t trade it either, but….sometimes you don’t have to forget to move on. I’m being completely serious, okay? When I die, I want you to move on. It doesn’t have to be right away, but you have to find someone else,” she told me. I shook my head. No way in the world was I going to find someone else.
“June, stop this. I’m not going to marry someone else. I’m going to stay faithful to you. Remember the vows?” I asked. She nodded.
“They said, ‘till death do us part,’” she informed me. “I’ll be dead. We’ll be parted. End of vows.” I couldn’t believe this. I was getting very frustrated.
“I don’t give two shits about them saying ‘til death’ I’m going to love you forever! No one could possibly replace you in my life and I’m not going to look for someone,” I said. She shook her head and tears rolled silently down her cheeks.
“Fine, be stubborn, but I’ll send you someone,” she said. She then proceeded to get ready for bed. She told me to sleep on the ground and she fell asleep.
This wasn’t how we planned this trip. This wasn’t how we planned everything.
The next morning June looked extremely tired and I really had to help her with getting ready. She claimed to feel fine, but she looked pale and kept trembling. I told her maybe she should stay in bed.
“I am not missing this wedding,” she told me. “I have to be there for them.” I nodded. Diana and Paul were our two witnesses when we got married so we felt that we owed them enough to attend their wedding, besides the fact that we had always been such good friends. I helped June to our seats; the wedding was out in the back of the bed and breakfast. Elaine looked over at June with eyes of massive concern. “I’m fine,” June informed her.
June made it through the whole wedding and when it was time to go back to our room before the reception was to start she informed me that she had been having contractions. All of our friends overheard and followed us to the hospital. I told them that they could wait in the waiting room, but coming in really wasn’t an option. I wasn’t prepared for this to happen. I called my mom and told her to get Jillian up here as soon as possible, just in case.
June was being heavily monitored and every time something beeped my heartbeat quickened. I sat with her for a while, but she told me that it would probably be best to tell everyone what was going on. I nodded and walked out to them. I had been dreading this day for so long, it felt worse than I imagined.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Elaine asked. I shrugged.
“Listen, guys, there’s something I need to tell you,” I said. I then explained everything. The announcement of the pregnancy, the quaking at the restaurant, and finally the revelation that one or both of them was going to die. I looked around at my friends and saw how they reacted. Elaine looked crushed, Diana looked angry, and Paul looked absolutely shocked.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Paul said, although it came out like a whisper.
“She wanted this to be your weekend. It was Jen syndrome,” I said. They looked at me quizzically and I explained the whole Dawson’s Creek thing to them.
“Does Jillian know?” Elaine asked. I nodded.
“Yes, we told her yesterday. My mom’s bringing her up here right now,” I said.
“Damn it!” Diana yelled. “You should tell us these things! Who cares about a wedding when someone you care about could be dying?!” Paul touched her arm. I looked down.
“I know, and I’m really sorry. I’m just going to go back in there now. I have to be with June,” I said. Paul looked at me empathetically.
“I’m so sorry, man,” he said. I nodded and walked back to June.

Twenty-June
The contractions weren’t very close yet. I was in excruciating pain, but it wasn’t time to have the baby yet. Liam had told everyone the news and he said they were very shook up about it. I wasn’t worried about them, I was worried about Liam.
Liam sat down next to me and he looked as if someone had sucker punched him in the gut. I looked up at him and put my hand over one of his. This seemed to bring him back from his daze and he looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the world.
“Liam,” I said, breathing heavily, “don’t be so upset. I don’t like it when you look at me that way.” He let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair.
“How do you want me to look at you? You’re dying here and I’m looking at you with the proper amount of concern,” he said. I shook my head.
“Please don’t look at me like I’m dying. I’m simply taking an adventure. Be glad for my adventure,” I told him. He looked at me like I was hurting him.
“I can’t be happy to lose you,” he said, “please don’t make me happy to lose you. June, I love you so much. I want to be with you forever.” I shook my head and was overcome with a contraction. He held my hand and it passed a minute later.
“You can’t be with me forever. Remember what I said to Jillian? It applies to you as well, as long as you see something that makes you think of me, I’ll be there. When our baby takes her first steps, I’ll be there. When Jillian goes to high school, I’ll be there,” I told him. He shook his head. I nodded. “Liam, you have to be strong. I…I can’t leave knowing that you two won’t be okay. You need to be there for Jillian.” He nodded.
“June, you know I’d do anything for that girl. She’s a part of you. But damn it, I can’t just go on without a bit of grieving. You’ve meant everything to me for so long,” he said. I nodded.
“I didn’t want to pull this on you, but Liam could you please be strong for me. I’m scared,” I said sheepishly. I had never simply told anyone I was afraid. I put on a brave façade in order to keep others calm. He put his hand to my cheek. I wanted to cry.
“I’m an idiot, complaining about how this will affect me, when it’s affecting you the most of all,” he told me. I didn’t disagree, maybe he would be living here without me, but at least he would be living. He would be the one to watch my girls grow up together. I shook the thoughts from my head; this wasn’t how I wanted him to be, upset.
“I didn’t say it to upset you; I just…know I’ll be missing so much. Don’t let our girls forget about me,” I said. He shook his head.
“Forget about you? How could they? I will tell them about you everyday,” he told me. I started to cry then, but another contraction came along. They were getting closer and closer. I looked up at Liam.
“Get a doctor, this baby’s coming,” I said. He nodded and left the room. I don’t know how long he was gone, but I thought of many things in that time.
I thought of the day Liam asked me out. It had been a particularly bad day with my father, but he called me up and he came over when he found out I was upset. He witnessed a total breakdown on my part and still asked me out. It was the next day that he asked if I needed a place to stay when my dad was arrested. I lived there for only a few weeks, if that long. We were married shortly after moving into our first apartment.
We fought some in the five years we’d been married, but what normal couple doesn’t? Once it was about the TV remote, but it was mainly about our jobs or our future. We’d always assumed there would be a future to spend together. Lying in that hospital bed, I knew the end was coming. I wasn’t that afraid anymore. I was sad that I’d never know my daughter, but I wasn’t afraid to die. Liam walked in behind the doctor and they prepared me to go into labor. I was to take deep breaths. Then it was time to start pushing.
When I had pushed one last time, there was a cry and my baby was born. They cut the cord and wiped her off before placing her in my arms. I looked at this baby, my daughter. She was beautiful with eyes like Liam’s and tufts of dark hair that resembled my own. She was so small. I took another long look at her and handed her to Liam. He cuddled her in his arms and I couldn’t help but wish I could live long enough to see her grow up. Liam looked over at me, his eyes sparkling in delight at our newborn child. I could feel my lungs giving out. I took a few more heaving breaths before I couldn’t breathe anymore.
“June!” I heard Liam shout. And it was all over. Everything went black.

Twenty One-Liam
When June handed me our baby I thought for sure she was going to make it. She had survived childbirth, everything else should be easy. I was wrong. She looked at me and her breathing grew heavier. She let out one final gasp.
“June!” I yelled. I knew she was gone the moment I’d said it. It was at that moment that Mom and Jillian rushed in. I handed the baby to Mom and picked Jillian up, carrying her into the hallway.
“Why can’t I see Mommy?” Jillian asked. “I came here to see her and the baby.” I nodded.
“You can see the baby soon, okay. But, Jill, your mom…oh god, how can I say this?” I wondered aloud. Jillian put her small hand on my arm.
“She died,” Jillian finished. I nodded and took the girl into my arms as she started to cry. “I wanted to see her. Grandma Trudy promised me.”
“Oh, Jillian, I am so sorry. I…” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to handle this much raw emotion. I brought her back into the room, set her down, and took off down the hall and out the building. Paul wasn’t far behind. I stopped suddenly and started to cry. He stopped as well and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Liam, are you alright?” He asked. I shook my head.
“How can I be?” I asked. “My wife’s dead.” He pulled me into a full hug. I was so upset and angry that I couldn’t do anything more than cry and shout “Why?!” really loudly into the air.
“What about the baby?” Paul asked. I realized then that I’d left the baby inside. I was already messing up my promises to June. I walked back inside and went straight to the baby’s room. I took her from my mom and knew that I’d name her June, after her mother. The baby looked up at me and smiled. She had her mother’s smile, Jillian had the same one. I sat down and Jillian sat next to me.
“Look, Jill, this is your little sister. Her name’s June,” I said. Jillian took June’s hand in her own and I wanted to cry as she began to speak.
“June, I’m going to take care of you, okay? See, Daddy might need help and I’m here to do it. I’ll tell you all about Mommy,” she said. I kissed Jill’s forehead and she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Daddy, it’s okay to cry when you’re sad.” I put an arm around her and I did just that. I cried and Jillian cried. But June didn’t shed a tear. She was perfectly calm the entire time. She really was her mother’s daughter.
I told my mom that it was okay to send my friends in, so she went and they all came in together. Elaine and Diana had tears falling down their cheeks and Paul and Elaine’s husband looked completely stoic. Elaine took the baby into her arms and Diana knelt in front of Jillian to ask if she’d want to go get some food. I nodded my approval and Jillian left with Paul and Diana. Elaine sat down next to me.
“How are you doing?” Elaine asked. I shrugged. That was a loaded question. I felt as though I was about to either vomit or yell. I wanted to hit something, I wanted to cry. But most of all I wanted June back. I looked down at Junie then, she was beautiful. So small and innocent, I wanted to be strong for her.
“I’m not sure. She’s gone, but she left behind such a beautiful gift. How do you choose? I should be sad because I just lost the love of my life, but here’s this tiny little girl who needs me and I should be grateful to have her. I feel very void of emotion, almost numb,” I told her. Elaine nodded and cuddled the baby closer.
“What did you name her?” she questioned. I smiled slightly.
“June, it was the only thing I could name her,” I said. Elaine nodded again. We played with the baby for a while and then the doctor took her to be with the other babies. It was going to be a little while before I got to take her home, only because I had to learn how to care for her.
By the time I’d brought June home from the hospital my mother had moved everything back into her own house. She insisted that I needed help and that this was the only way I could possibly do it. She stayed home with the girls during the day and at night I would eat dinner with them, play games, and tell them bedtime stories. The stories usually were about their mother.
Once upon a time, I would begin, there was a beautiful princess named June. She had two daughters, the beautiful and brave Jillian and the lovely and loving June, named after her mother. One day Princess June went over to visit her husband, Prince Liam, and told him about a journey in which she was about to embark. She told him that their two daughters were to stay with him while she was away and he happily agreed.
The journey wasn’t for a little while, and as the time approached, Princess June got scared. She would pace back and forth, night and day, pondering what she was about to do.
“Are you sure you can take care of them?” June would ask. Liam told her not to worry. “Do you think they’ll forget who I am?” she wondered aloud to him. He told her that no one could ever forget her. One day she asked, “Do you think they’ll be mad that I left them?” and Liam told her not to worry. She brought her daughters to him the day before she was to leave and told them that no matter what happened, she’d always be there if they needed her.
Jillian asked for this story almost every night for two years. It was a way for her to imagine her mother. Some nights, when the sky was clear and it wasn’t too cold, I’d take the girls out to the backyard and we’d lie down on a blanket to watch the stars. It was on those nights that I really felt June was there with us. As Junie, as we started to call her, got older she asked more questions about her mother. Some of these questions were easier to answer than others, but all of them made me wish June were still there with us.
As the girls got older Jillian kept insisting that I go out with a woman, whether it be her third grade teacher or some random lady that was flirting with me at the super market. For the most part I refused, but there were some that reminded me of June. I’d date them once and then realize that they were nothing like her. I have to admit that I couldn’t see past the differences, it was either her or nothing.
Jillian had been a great help with Junie, and a year after moving in with Mom, we moved into our own house. June and I had saved up a lot of money over the years. Jillian would walk with Junie home from school, June’s preschool being on the way home, and watch her until I got home. She didn’t complain often and I loved her for that. The two were inseparable and were more like best friends than sisters, despite the age difference.
I also became closer to Paul and Diana again. They helped me out of my slump that first year, which I hate to admit was fairly horrible. I barely ate, I worked long hours, and I slept a lot. The only thing that made me happy was my girls. Having Junie there was a major help. She was this innocent little baby who had no idea the sadness that preceded her, she was just happy. She didn’t cry much at all and her laugh was contagious. I knew June must have had something to do with that.
“Fine, be stubborn, but I’ll send you someone,” she said. This thought raced through my head occasionally and I knew I was going to stay adamant. I didn’t want to move on, June was the one for me and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But the thought stayed in my head that she was going to find me someone. I didn’t want her to, but I knew June could be just as stubborn as I was. It was one thing that we had in common that kept us going. Neither of us had wanted to lose the other. I had lost her, though, and I knew she didn’t want me to be alone forever, she’d told me so.
And then one day, four years after I’d lost June, she was sent to me. I was on my way to the park with Junie and Jillian when I saw this beautiful woman walking our way. Junie immediately ran at her, which was very strange. The woman didn’t seem to mind, she just laughed and asked her what her name was.
“I’m June Olivia Rogerson,” Junie said. The woman laughed again and I stood in front of her.
“Sorry, Junie gets excited sometimes,” I said. The woman shook her head which sent her red curls flying and I could see the smile in her green eyes.
“She’s fine, I used to have a daughter that age, myself. I’m Kayla,” she said, extending her hand in my direction. I shook it, but couldn’t break the gaze.
“Liam,” I said, “I’m sorry about your daughter. I couldn’t imagine losing one of them too.” Jillian patted my arm.
“And who might you be?” Kayla asked Jill. Jill looked her in the eye and I’m sure she wanted to hate her, but she could only smile.
“I’m Jillian. So, Kayla,” Jill began, “are you married?” My eyes went wide and I looked down at Jillian.
“Jill!” I said. Kayla only laughed and shook her head again.
“No, I’m not. Why, are you going to ask me on a date?” she asked Jill. Jill smiled wider and looked away.
“I was thinking about it. What do you say, Dad?” she asked me.
“Oh, I don’t want to intrude,” Kayla said. I shook my head.
“Don’t worry about it, we’d be glad to have you over,” I told her. We made arrangements for Kayla to join us for dinner that night and turned around to clean the house.
Two hours before Kayla was to arrive and the house was clean and I didn’t have any idea what I was going to wear. I mean just because my kids were there didn’t make it less of a date. I also really wondered if this could be the person June told me she was going to send. I knew it was stupid to think your wife would send you someone else to be with, but I did think June had that kind of power. Jill ended up picking out some khakis and a nice t-shirt for me to wear and I made lasagna.
It was six o’clock on the dot when Kayla arrived and she looked so happy to be there with us. I told her about the lasagna and then Junie whisked her away to play Barbie.
The night went extremely well and I got to know Kayla more and more as we began dating. She told me all about her ex-husband and her daughter, Sasha, which had died in a horrible pool accident. I told her about June. I told her everything about June and our life together. She told me how brave she thought I was for sticking around for the girls and not caving in on myself when I could have. I told her how impossible that would have been, what with Junie being the happiest girl alive and Jillian being a great helper. I told her I couldn’t have done it without those girls. Those girls were my life.
One day, late in November, I asked Kayla over to the house. Junie and Jillian were at my mothers for the weekend, something Mom did once a month. She insisted it was for me, but I knew those girls made her so happy. I pulled out a DVD from deep in the recesses of our movie cabinet. This was the ultimate test for me.
June and I had bonded strongly over our common love of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and I knew that if June had sent her, she would love it. I put the movie in and Kayla got this look on her face.
“You have this on DVD!” she exclaimed and I could hear the delight in her voice. I nodded and we watched the movie. We sang along and laughed at the horrible acting which was part of the experience.
After it had ended we talked for a long time about whom or how we got into this movie. Her older brother was a huge fan and had taken her to see it once on a Friday night when she was fifteen and she had been hooked ever since. I had seen it because my mom knew it would aggravate my father during their divorce. I was only ten, but she didn’t really care.
When we’d been dating six months I’d invited her over to watch the stars with us. It was important for me to know that June approved of this and the only way I could think of was to bring her there when I felt June’s presence the most. I knew June wanted me to get over her, but it didn’t seem that simple. I had told Kayla that I loved her earlier that month, but I still felt as though I was betraying June. So I set out the blanket and we all looked up at the stars.
“Do you see any constellations?” Kayla asked Jill. She shook her head.
“That’s not what I’m looking for,” she responded. Then Junie pointed to a star twinkling brighter than any of the others.
“Mommy!” Junie yelled and I knew then that everything was going according to her plan. I felt June’s love overwhelm me and I started to cry.
“Thank you,” I whispered. Jillian cried too because I knew she could feel it. I knew Junie felt it as well, but instead of crying she wrapped her small arms around Kayla. She wanted Kayla to feel it. And that was when I sat up and turned to Kayla. “Kayla,” I said, “you have been so good to my girls these past six months. I have grown to know you so well, and to know you is to love you. I don’t care how cheesy that sounds. The night before June died she told me she’d send me somebody, and I know that you are the one June sent. You’re wonderful, and I love you. Will you marry me?” I asked. Kayla nodded and agreed wholeheartedly. I looked over at Jillian and she nodded her approval. I figured that if the first date was with the girls, I could propose with the girls there.
Paul and Diana were very supportive of my decision. I told them the next day and by that night they’d already started to plan a huge wedding. I sat down with Kayla to talk about it, and we both decided it would be nice to have just a small, simple wedding. We would invite Paul and Diana, and Elaine and her husband, the girls would be there and the priest, and my mother, but that’s all we really needed. Diana was disappointed, but she got over it quickly.
I didn’t invite my dad to the wedding because I simply hadn’t spoken to him in four years. After June died my dad kept pushing the idea of going back to school. He told me to let Mom watch the girls, that my future was more important. I simply shook my head. I told him that my daughters were the most important and that if he couldn’t deal with that, I couldn’t deal with him. It was all for the best, he had impossible standards and I couldn’t live up to them with my pathetic artistic talent.
Two years after June’s death I opened up a small shop down the road and sold my paintings to anyone who would pay for them. I was making more money now than ever before, and it was because of June. The raw emotions that I felt were easy to put onto paper, and were the driving force of all of my work.
Kayla was really a wonderful person and I felt bad for comparing her to June all of the time. On our wedding day I vowed that I would treasure her for who she was, not who she wasn’t. She told me that it was okay to still think about June, she didn’t want me to forget about her. Kayla was a great mother and the girls loved her dearly.
When Junie started kindergarten Kayla and I both went with her because she was scared. We walked in and sat with her until she told us to go home.
“You can call us anytime you want us to pick you up,” Kayla told her. Junie nodded and gave her a hug.
“I will. I love you Mommy,” she said. “Mommy” that was weird to hear Junie say to Kayla. I kissed her forehead.
“Love you, kiddo,” I said. She told me she loved me too.
So many things happened that year, Junie started school, Jillian was about to go into high school. It all seemed to be coming so fast. All these reasons to celebrate and I could only think about what June was missing out on.
“Liam,” June whispers, “I know you haven’t forgotten.” I look her in the eye and take her in my arms. We’re in the old apartment and she looks radiant.
“I told you I’d love you forever. I could never forget you,” I tell her. She places her hand on my cheek and I can’t help but to kiss her.
“I told you I’d send you someone,” she says obnoxiously. I shake my head.
“You always were very stubborn” I joke. She gives me a sly smile and I chuckle.
“You’re doing a great job with the girls,” she says. I look down. I’ve tried my best to be the best father I could be.
“It wasn’t a hard task. They were already so much like you. I wish you could be here,” I say. She nods sadly and I feel bad for saying it.
“I am here though, don’t you remember those nights you used to look up at the stars? I’ve always been here,” she says. I feel hollowness inside of my chest. We used to look up at the stars. I hadn’t taken the girls out in a few years. I hadn’t been doing my job well at all. She kissed my cheek. “Just because you don’t watch the stars doesn’t mean you are doing a bad job.” I hold her close and try to fight back against my body that is slowly waking me up.
I walk into the kitchen and Jillian looks up from her cup of coffee as Junie runs around with the crayons she colors with. I look at Jill and I have to hold back tears. It seemed as if she had transformed overnight into this beautiful young woman. She looks so much like her mother it almost hurts to look at her. I take that moment to close my eyes and tell June how much I miss her. It has been seven years since June’s death and I still miss her as much as I ever had. Jillian catches my eye and smiles at me. She knows who I’m thinking about. I sit down next to her.
“It’s her birthday today,” she tells me. I nod. She would have been thirty today. Jill puts her hand over mine. “I miss her too, Dad.” Junie, named for her mother, comes over and sits on my lap.
“Why does everyone look so sad?” the seven year old questions. I looked at her with a sad smile as Kayla walked into the room.
“June, its Mom’s birthday today,” she told her sister. June looked around, confused. I picked Junie up and she sat on my lap.
“June, your mommy died not long after you were born. She was sick…” I told her. She looked at Kayla then, and I felt something in me break.
“But Mommy’s right here,” Junie said. I shook my head and tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Honey, I married Kayla when you were four. She’s not your real mother,” I said. Junie looked at Kayla for confirmation and she nodded. Junie started to cry then; I’d never seen her cry so much. I had just crushed my daughter.
“Mommy’s dead!” June wailed. I held her close.
“Oh, June, it’s going to be alright, Kayla is a good mommy, she takes good care of you just like Mommy would have,” I said. Even so, Junie didn’t stop crying. Jillian picked up her sister.
“I’ve got this one,” Jill told us. She sat Junie on the floor and sat cross-legged with her. “June, remember when we used to look up at the stars together?” She asked. June nodded. “Mommy told me, when I was your age, that whenever I saw something that made me smile, she would be there. She told me that she would be one of the stars, shining down on me to let me know I wasn’t alone. She’s shining for you too, Junie.”
Jillian was amazing. I knew having her mother die was really rough on her, considering she never really knew her real dad. Now she lived with her step-dad and his new wife. I figured this probably wasn’t ideal for her, but I hoped she thought of me as her real father. Jillian had only grown in knowledge as the years went by and her imagination and observation of the people around her never ceased to amaze me. Junie had stopped crying and gave Jill a big hug.
“I love you, Jill,” Junie told her. Jill wrapped her arms around her sister.
“Kid, you’re all I’ve got left,” she said. I didn’t know if she was being serious or not. She then looked at me and winked, she was joking. I was so proud of Jillian that I told Kayla to take Junie to school; I wanted to spend the day with Jill. Jill was more than happy to miss school that day and I knew precisely why. The first thing we did was hit up Starbuck’s for expensive coffee and breakfast.
“Jill, I have never been more proud of you than I was this morning,” I told her. She sipped at her coffee. “I’m glad you’re here to help June. You also help me, more than you’ll ever know.” She looked at me questioningly.
“How have I helped you? You have been so good to me even though you didn’t have to be. I’m not your real daughter, you could have put me up for adoption,” Jillian said. I put my hand over hers.
“I could never do that, Jillian. You know I love you as if you were my own. When I really didn’t want to go to work that first year after your mom died, you’d come in and tell me to get up, that I could sleep later. I needed that push, no matter how humorous it sounded coming from a seven year old. I did it for you,” I said. She looked down at her coffee.
“So, did you feel Mom with us this morning?” she asked. I nodded.
“It was the dream we had the day before she died. All three of us had it,” I said. Jillian nodded.
“I knew it meant something bad…Dad, is it horrible for me not to be able to picture her anymore? She used to be this huge presence in our lives, what with the stories and the stars. But now, you barely talk about her anymore. She used to come alive in my dreams, but now she’s just a blur,” Jill informed me. I felt tears forming behind my eyes.
“It’s okay to not remember how she looked. As long as you remember who she was and how much she loved you,” I said. She nodded. We finished up our coffees and got back into my car. I looked over at her, “Where do you want to go next? It can be anyplace that helps you remember your mom.” She thought for a minute.
“The park,” Jillian said, “she loved the park.” I nodded, June did love the park. We got to the park and Jill picked up the bench on which we were to sit.
“What do you think of Kayla?” I asked Jillian. She touched my arm.
“She’s great, Dad, really. I know Mom must’ve sent her. That first day we saw her here, at the park, you looked at her and I knew you noticed how pretty she was; just like you would look at Mom. I wanted to hate her, I really did, and I tried to. In the end, she was actually a very nice person,” Jill said. “And Junie was crazy about her.” I nodded, there was no doubt Junie loved Kayla as though she were her real mother. The same goes for Kayla too. We sat in the park for over an hour and thought about June the whole time.
I remembered the last time June and I went to the park together. We had known about June’s condition for almost a month and both of us wanted to get our minds off of it. We picked up Jillian from school and June turned to face her daughter.
“Hey, Jill, you want to go to the park?” June asked. Jillian smiled and nodded vigorously. June turned to me and smiled. I smiled back. We got to the park and I pushed Jillian in a swing for a little while and June sat in the swing next to us swaying slowly from side to side. Jillian eventually got the hang of pumping her legs and I stood behind June and hung on the sides of the swing. She looked up at me.
“I love you,” I told her as I lowered my lips to hers.
“I’m going to miss coming to the park with you,” she said. I pulled away and looked up at the trees. I didn’t want to talk about that at the park.
“Don’t even start with that,” I told her. “I came here with you and Jill to keep my mind off of that. I don’t want to talk about it.” She shook her head and I could tell she was getting just about as frustrated as I was.
“Don’t pretend this isn’t happening,” she said. “We can’t pretend nothing is going on. It will only hurt more later.”

Twenty Two-Jillian
The first few years after Mom died were hard on all of us, especially Liam. I knew he didn’t want Mom to leave us, but he took it pretty hard at first. In the morning Grandma Trudy would send me to wake him up and I would jab him in the arm.
“Wake up, Daddy. You have to work now, you can sleep later!” I yelled. He would always wake up when I told him to. Sometimes he would sit there when he thought I was asleep and he would cry. I used to spend hours sitting on the steps and listening to him cry out to Mom. I cried some of those nights, but each night it became less and less until I had no more tears to shed for my mother.
Along with Mom being gone, I got a little sister. This hardly seemed like a worthwhile trade, but I saw how much happiness Junie brought to her dad. She never cried about Mom and Liam never cried about Mom around her. I helped take care of Junie because she was my sister and because I knew it would make Liam happy. I never thought about him giving me up for adoption in those first years. I was only seven after all; the thought just never came up.
As the years went by I became more and more aware that this wasn’t the living situation most people had. Most people lived with either their biological mother or their biological father; I lived with neither. I had never seen my biological father, and my Mom had died, but Liam never let on that this wasn’t normal. He kept to his promise that he wouldn’t love the baby more than me, and that never ceased to astound me.
About six years after Mom had died; I got my first real boyfriend. I didn’t tell Liam about it, he had freaked out enough when I woke up one morning looking more like Mom than I’d ever before. His name was Oliver, but I called him Ollie. Ollie was a grade above me and about six inches taller; I had inherited my mom’s short stature. His brown eyes lit up whenever he talked about his passion, which happened to be literature. He wrote as well, and I could tell his real passion was for the written word.
I met Ollie one late January morning as I was walking into school. It had been a sleepless night, I kept dreaming about Mom. I was fairly upset when I got to school and had decided to opt out of homeroom in order to sit in front of my locker and cry while there was an empty hallway. I was wrong to assume the hallway would be completely void of students. I saw a shadow on the ground and looked up to see Ollie.
“Are you alright?” He asked. I didn’t move. Was this extremely attractive guy really talking to ME? I thought. I felt stupid for crying and began to stand up.
“Just a rough few years,” I said as if this was something common to do. Cry in the hallways, that is. He looked at me with concern that I’d never received from someone I didn’t know. This in and of itself made me cry again and he simply put his arm around me as though it was the most natural thing to do. And odd as it may be, it felt natural. I found myself telling him everything, right there in the hallway.
“Well, Jillian, that’s a lot to experience at the age of fourteen,” Ollie said. I shook my head.
“I’m thirteen; I skipped a grade awhile back. I’m an emotional geek,” I told him. He shook his head and smiled.
“Ah, with tragedy comes brilliance,” he said, “I’m really sorry about your mom though.” I nodded.
“I’m sorry to have wasted all of your time,” I said. He simply shook his head.
“I wouldn’t be asking you out right now if I thought I’d just wasted my time,” he said. I nodded.
“Well, Ollie, where and when do you want to take me out?” I questioned.
“Ollie?” He asked, I nodded, “Hmm. I guess Friday would be as good a day as ever. How about we get some dinner?” I smiled.
“Sounds good to me,” I said. He shook his head and squinted at me.
“Ollie? Really?” I nodded and walked to my first class. It was the start of something great.
I didn’t tell Liam about Ollie, it always seemed like the wrong time. Ollie wanted to meet Liam, felt as though he should. I wasn’t so sure, I knew Liam would like him, but I didn’t know if he would think of me the same way after that. I always wanted to feel as though Liam were my father; I’d wanted that for as long as I could remember. I didn’t want him to feel as though he was losing me like he’d lost Mom. Ollie eventually stopped asking to meet him and accepted the fact that Liam would be a faceless name to him. I knew this didn’t make him happy, but it was something I thought I had to do.
That was almost a year ago. I looked over at Liam who was deep in thought. My phone vibrated and I looked down at the text I’d just received.
Jill, where are you? Are you sick? It was from Ollie. I smiled as I replied; he was sweet to be thinking about me. No, Liam took a day off with me. It’s Mom’s thirtieth birthday and he was pretty shook up about it. I replied. Liam did look as though he were reminiscing. It must be nice for him to have such vivid memories. My phone vibrated again and I looked down at Ollie’s reply. How are you? I know this must be tough on you too. Seven years, that’s half of your life. I knew he didn’t mean for that to sound like I shouldn’t remember her, that she’d been dead for so long. Even still, I wanted to cry. Half of my life was a lot for Mom to miss. And from here on, it would only get bigger and bigger. Thanks, it only gets worse from here. Liam looked at me.
“Who are you texting?” He asked. I shrugged, might as well tell him now, no point in lying.
“My boyfriend, Oliver,” I said. He looked at me then, with the same expression I knew he would use. It was the expression that told me he still thought of me as a little girl who couldn’t possibly be old enough to date.
“How long have you been dating Oliver?” Liam asked. I knew he was trying really hard to look normal about the whole thing which only made what I was about to tell him even worse.
“Almost a year,” I said, biting my lip. Liam looked dumbstruck. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Dad, but you always look at me like I’m Mom or something and I knew you probably don’t think I should be dating, but Ollie’s really a great guy…” and I continued to ramble until I realized Liam was laughing. I looked at him.
“You ramble just like she used to when she was upset. Jill, you don’t have to hide relationships from me. I’m glad that you found a good guy though,” Liam told me. I got a text from that good guy right then. I didn’t mean it that way. Are you really alright? I can skip out of here if you need me to. I smiled and I felt my heart warm like it always did when I thought about how much I loved Ollie. “Tell him we’d be glad to have him,” Liam said after I showed him the message. So I did. About twenty minutes later we were at a Sonic, per Liam’s insistence, and eating corn dogs at a picnic table.
“Why Sonic, Dad, I mean, I love corn dogs and all, but how does this relate to Mom?” I questioned. Liam smiled and looked at Ollie and me. Ollie was so glad to finally meet Liam and had spent fifteen minutes telling him how much he had heard about him and how he hadn’t wanted to keep our relationship from Liam. Liam chuckled and told him to relax. Liam wasn’t your average dad. He was better, Ollie could sense that. So could I, I’d always been able to.
“This is where I took her on our first real date,” Liam said. I smiled as I looked at Ollie and he squeezed my hand.
“This really is a great way to celebrate someone’s life,” Ollie told Liam. Liam nodded and I rolled my eyes. It was obvious Ollie wanted to get on Liam’s good side. So far, he wasn’t doing too badly.
From lunch we went all around town. We stopped at Mom’s old waitress job and ordered some pie. We went to the place where Liam had painted some of the picture that hung on the wall of our family room up to this day. It was nice to see all of these places, to delve more deeply into my mother’s life.
I knew more about Mom than I ever had before and it made me miss her less. I realized that Mom and I had many of the same interests including, but not limited to: randomly breaking out into the Time-Warp (Liam had shown me the movie only a few months ago and I was hooked.), we both loved chocolate ice cream more than vanilla, and she would doodle on Liam’s arm like I would doodle on Ollie’s.
After we’d done most of the things Liam wanted to do, he’d written a list at Sonic, Liam asked Ollie to go home. Ollie pulled me aside to say goodbye.
“I’m glad I got to spend this day with you,” Ollie said. I smiled and gave him a huge hug.
“I’m glad you were here too. I love you,” I said. He kissed me.
“I love you too, Jill,” he said. He then walked to his car and I walked back to Liam.
“I have to tell you something,” Liam said. There was a weird tinge to his voice and I was apprehensive about what he was going to tell me. “The thing is, you know how your mom was sick?” He asked. I nodded, I vaguely remembered. “Your dad…her dad…abused her. Both sexually and physically.” I stared at him for a few minutes trying to put what he said together in my head. My father was her father. Oh. My. God. I had just realized this as Liam put an arm around me. This was completely unfair; I hadn’t asked to be born like that. I had a deep hatred for my father then, one stronger than any I felt for him not being there before. I pushed Liam away, how could he have kept this from me?
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I asked. He didn’t answer right away and I knew he was thinking about what he wanted to say.
“The thing is, you mom didn’t want you to know. She thought it would be better for you to just never know who your father was,” Liam said. “I think she didn’t want you to think any horrible thoughts about yourself or of her. She thought you’d get angry for being born into that situation.” I nodded, I was angry, that was for sure.
“So she did this to make herself look better? How does that work, Liam? Before I thought she slept around,” This got a big look from Liam and I knew he wanted to interject, “but now I know it’s just incest.” Liam looked at me with stone cold eyes.
“Don’t you ever talk about your mother that way. She loved you more than anything else and here you are disrespecting her memory,” Liam said. I shrugged and he simply turned away.
“What are you going to do, walk away from me now? I’m angry, how do you expect me to react to news like this?” I asked. His head fell and he ran his hand through his hair.
“I would never walk away from you. I know your angry, Jill, but please don’t blame your mother,” he said. He looked back at me finally and I nodded.
“I don’t, it’s Dad’s fault,” I said. He walked back to me and hugged me. We went back to the house and Kayla and June were already sitting around the table. I wondered if Kayla knew. I figured she probably did.
“How was your day?” Kayla asked me. I looked at Liam and then at her and smiled.
“It was intense, but mostly in a good way,” I told her. She nodded and looked up at Liam.
“What about you?” She questioned. He winked at me and smiled lightly.
“It was great. I was glad with the way things turned out,” Liam told her. He then looked at Junie. “How was your day, princess?” My sister smiled and rattled on and on about first grade and the phonics lesson and what she had for snack. The weight of the day sure didn’t touch her shoulders. That was probably for the best though. I knew Liam took comfort in the fact that his daughter was happy and it made him happy as well.
That night Liam took us all outside to watch the stars, just like we used to. I saw one twinkling high above and thought of Mom. She told me that she’d be that star.
“Look,” I said, pointing the star out to Junie. The little girl squealed with delight.
“Mommy!” Junie said. I guess she was more in touch with Mom than any of us knew. Liam put an arm around each of us.
“I’m glad you still remember she’s in the stars,” Liam said. I shook my head.
“It’s more than that, Dad, she’s everywhere,” I said. I really believed this too. Mom was in the good moments, like watching the stars or being with Ollie, but she was also in the hard times, like when I was angry with Liam and everyone else. She was there, always, and that was the truth.

HallieatHeart

Monday, January 11, 2010

An Experiment on Omegle

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Truth: a Novel

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