I'm Sort of Scared for this

After looking at this picture one might think "Wow, this is one large family." Just like my roommate did when I showed it to her. The feeling I get after looking at this picture is utter terror.

There is reason for this.

You see, in May my sister will be getting married. Yes, that means some of the people pictured will be there too. What you don't see in this picture; however, is the people who weren't able to make it to the reception. Now this may shock some of you, but that is only approximately half of that side of my family. Moreover, the other side of my family is the same size...and GROWING.

Look at that picture, put that picture next to that picture, and put another next to that. This will give you an approximation of the size of my family.

Then there is the groom. It doesn't even matter how many people he has in his family, adding more to what is there already is a frightening amount of people. Not only that, but both of them have friends!

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I'm positive it's okay to be scared for this situation.

Just thought I'd share that scary fact with you.

The Ending of a Semester and Feeling Infinite

Remember when we were infinite?

I know I talk a lot about being or feeling infinite, but I truly can't help it. Not when I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I have to admit, I truly can't get enough of this book and if I could only read one book for the rest of my life...it would be this one. I started reading it again Monday night and I've been reading it as a filter, not a sponge, which is something the main character is told to do with one of the books he reads. I see myself as Charlie.
I have always seen myself as Charlie.
No matter how many times I read this book, I always come to the conclusion that I relate most to Charlie, the main character. His thoughts reflect many of my own and even when he goes off on random little thought progressions, I find I think the same way. The character is just a quiet listener and tries not to get in the middle of things. But I also find that I want to be more than just a pair of ears and a shoulder to cry on. Because, as Sam states in the novel, people need arms too. You can only do so much without arms, but arms are needed for taking charge and holding on. And mouths are necessary too. Without a mouth people won't be able to tell others when they do or don't need something. Having only ears can lead to having very one-sided relationships which aren't very helpful to anyone.
So you may be asking yourself, how does this relate to the end of a semester? Let me tell you. My first semester is almost over, I had my last day of actual classes today, and now I feel like I need to soak everything up, feel infinite one more time before the semester is over. I need to be able to speak with my peers and with my family when I see them, and even with friends that I haven't seen in a while. What more could you want to talk about than when you felt infinite. When you had a moment, or series of moments when you felt there was nothing outside of the realm of possibility. When you felt you were ready to face whatever came your way. Also, it makes taking exams and giving presentations a whole lot easier.
For those of you who haven't read this book, I highly suggest it because it will change your life, whether you read it once, or five times.

Mirror Song

Okay, as I started thinking about growing up and growing into myself last week when I posted the picture, I started to think about how I began to see myself. I remembered how John Green wrote in his novel Paper Towns that we should see people through windows, not mirrors. That others shouldn't be seen in the way we want to see them by reflections of ourselves, but as we see them, we should be getting a glimpse of who they are through a window.
That made me wonder, how should we see ourselves then? I supposed we should see ourselves through mirrors. We should look at other things and be able to pick up the things that reflect pieces of us in order to discover who really are. So that's how I began to see myself. When I watch a movie, or hear someone give a presentation I try to pick up on little things that make me smirk, or smile, or shake my head. Because those little things help me distinguish who I am.
For example, today in my Introduction to Campus Life course a guy gave a presentation on cheerleaders. The first thing he said was "my brother's a cheerleader and they're not...what you might think". My reaction to this was disgust. Okay, so I don't have a big problem with guy cheerleaders at all, but when the first thing you talk about is how guy cheerleaders aren't gay, and you can't even say the word "gay", I'm starting to think you don't quite believe this yourself. Also, why should this be such a big deal? Who cares about the sexual orientation of male cheerleaders? Then this guy has the gall to say "my brother took me to dinner with all the cheerleaders and they are some pretty hot chicks". I couldn't keep the disgust off of my face, some people in the room were laughing, but I was deeply appalled. This guy was horrible. He continued to talk about what cheerleaders do and made sure to say multiple times that the girls were "really hot chicks". When the presentation was over I didn't really feel like clapping. This was due to the fact I found his presentation to be extremely misogynistic. And this reaction helped me see that I am really against misogynistic pigs. To be honest, I knew that already, but it gave me solid proof.
To be honest, I've never really been a fan of cheerleaders either. Don't get me wrong, there are SOME exceptions, but for the most part I find them to be girls who are too consumed in beauty and little flips to notice anything bigger than a football game or what's new in those celebrity gossip magazines. I also see them to be really fake people. Some of them are actually smart girls who dumb themselves down to get attention. This is just not something I think women should be doing, especially after all the work our foremothers did to get equality for us in today's society. It is simply backwards.
So, yes, I did go on a little rant there, but the truth is, I'm glad I can see who I am through other people's actions and my reactions because the more I know about what I believe, the stronger my convictions become.

Outline for my Final Speech

So, this is important to me, so I will post it here. It is my speech outline for my final speech! Hope you like it. Tell me what you think.

Introduction
Picture this, you are suffering from an illness that is slowly, but surely killing you. Imagine you have an intense desire to get better, but that doesn’t mean a thing because the treatment necessary is way too much for you to pay for on your own. Your insurance company knows this, but they won’t cover the treatment, or they will, but for only one day. Worse than that, they refuse to admit you have an illness. This is what life is like for many people who have eating disorders. Eating disorders are diagnosable mental illnesses and if not treated, they can become life-threatening. First I’m going to talk about what makes eating disorders mental illnesses. Then I will discuss a bit about the treatment necessary for recovery. Then I will talk about what insurance companies aren’t doing for people with eating disorders. Finally I will discuss how we can fix this problem and help people with eating disorders get the treatment they desperately need.
(Transition: First, let’s talk about what makes eating disorders a mental illness.)
Body
I. People with eating disorders aren’t getting the treatment they need.
A. What makes eating disorders a mental illness?
1. As the International Journal for Eating Disorders states, “It is the position of the Academy for Eating Disorders (AED) that anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, along with their variants, are biologically based, serious mental illnesses (BBMI) that warrant the same level and breadth of health care coverage as conditions currently categorized in this way (e.g., schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder).” (2009.)
a. Since there are no accepted definitions of biologically based, serious mental illnesses, it allows for insurance companies to pick and choose what psychiatric illnesses they wish to cover.
b. According to the Centers for the Disease Control and Prevention (2010.), eating disorders aren’t listed in the index of diseases, which means far less people know about the seriousness of these conditions.
2. As described in the DSM-V (2009.) eating disorders often go unrecognized in primary care.
B. What treatment is necessary for people with eating disorders.
1. There are many types of interventions used for treating eating disorders.
a. These interventions range from prevention intervention, which intercepts people before they develop an eating disorder, to a higher form of intervention for those who are posing a severe threat to their lives.
b. Even after an intervention, therapy is necessary for those with eating disorders.
2. There are many different types of therapy for treating eating disorders.
a. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: this uses motivational strategies to help the client, who is probably unwilling to change their cycle of self-deterioration, see what they are doing by bringing up their sense of self-worth.
1. Once this is done there can start to be a behavioral change.
2. The client must also keep a log of his/her food intake.
b. Interpersonal Therapy: this is an alternative for CBT for people who are struggling interpersonal concerns.
1. Some of these, as seen in the Journal of Mental Help Counseling (2009.), are difficulty with conflict, conflict between the needs for independence and for closeness, victimization history, conflicts in relationships with parents, concerns about meeting others’ expectations, and deficits in social problem solving.
2. In this therapy the client and mental health counselor work to identify the problem.
c. Dialect Behavioral Therapy: this deals with clients who are believed to be experiencing these symptoms due to suppressed strong emotions or big stressors.
d. Although all of these therapies work well on their own, some treatment facilities use a combination of two or all three of them.
C. The problem with getting treatment is that it costs so much and insurance companies are not very willing to help with coverage.
1. As Elina Needham states in her article, “A recent study has revealed that over 60% of people who are labeled as suffering from Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, as per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, meet criteria for hospitalization, and not all of them were medically covered.” (2010.)
2. Since insurance companies are able to pick and choose the mental illnesses in which they cover, most of them opt out of covering eating disorders.
D. There are many people affected by eating disorders, including people I know personally.
1. My cousin Mary was diagnosed with an eating disorder at the age of sixteen and when her insurance refused to cover treatment, she was able to get the help she needed from family, friends, and complete strangers. She has been recovered/recovering for nine years.
2. Since she was able to get help from others, she is now helping to get treatment for a girl named Sofia paid for.
a. Sofia has been struggling for a few years now and her insurance only covered one day of her treatment.
b. Mary has started a GiveForward page for Sofia where people can donate.
(Transition: Now that you know the problems people with eating disorders face, let’s discuss how to solve them.)
II. How we can help make treatment possible for those who need it.
A. As we have seen people with eating disorders aren’t always able to acknowledge the fact they have a problem and usually don’t want treatment if they need it.
1. With the help of therapy they will be able to identify the source of their illness and get the help they need.
2. If they aren’t able to afford the treatment they need, they might be lead to believe they don’t really need it.
B. Since the problem is with insurance companies, one way to solve it would be to get a bill passed to make insurance companies cover the cost of treatment.
1. According to the Treatment Centers’ website, “Some families of eating disorder patients are fighting back against insurers and filing suit in civil court.” (2010.)
2. The whole problem of going to court to sue insurance companies is that it costs money and you are never positive you will win.
C. While insurance doesn’t cover treatment, we can help those who need it by donating money towards their treatment.
1. Many people who can’t afford treatment have to ask for help from complete strangers for donations.
2. If everyone were to donate to people who need the help and are asking for it, more people will be able to get the help they need.
D. In Sofia’s case you can go to one of her two GiveForward pages.
1. The first she started on her own: http://www.giveforward.com/sofias-eating-disorder-treatment-fund
2. The second was started by my cousin Mary when the first temporarily expired: http://www.giveforward.com/keepsofia


Conclusion
As I have shown, eating disorders are serious mental illnesses that need to be treated before they result in the ending of a person’s life. There are many reasons why eating disorders are classified as mental illnesses and should be treated as such. There are many ways in which a person can be treated for eating disorders, but the costs for these treatments can be pricey. Insurance companies often opt out of covering treatment because they don’t find it to be a mental illness or they decide to cover a different mental illness instead. If a bill would be passed to make insurance companies cover treatment for those with eating disorders, more people would get the help they need and there would be a lower fatality rate for those who suffer. Until that is accomplished people should donate to organizations or to people reaching out for help, just like Sofia is doing right now. With our help, we can decrease the number of people dying in the world today from a mental illness some people don’t think exists.







References
Becker, A. E.; Eddy, K. T.; Perloe, A. Clarifying Criteria for Cognitive Signs and Symptoms for Eating Disorders in DSM-V (2009) Retrieved November 13, 2010 from International Journal of Eating Disorders 42:7 611-619
Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2010) Retrieved November 20, 2010 from http://www.cdc.gov/az/e.html
Choate, L. H.; Schwitzer, A. M.; Mental Health Counseling Responses to Eating-Related Concerns in Young Adult Women: A Prevention and Treatment Continuum (2009) Retrieved November 14, 2010 from Journal of Mental Health Counseling Volume 31:2 164-183
Klump, K. L.; Bulik, C. M.; Kaye, W. H.; Treasure, J.; Tyson, E. Academy for Eating Disorders Position Paper: Eating Disorders Are Serious Mental Illnesses (2009) Retrieved November 14, 2010 from The International Journal of Eating Disorders 42:2 97-103
Maine, M. Securing Eating Disorders Treatment: Ammunition for Arguments with Third Parties. (2004) Retrieved November 13, 2010 from http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/nedaDir/files/documents/handouts/SecrTxAm. Pdf
Needham, E. Insurance Coverage for Eating Disorders Should be Revised! (2010) Retrieved November 20, 2010 from http://topnews.us/content/216661-insurance-coverage- eating-disorders-should-be-revised
Sim, L. A.; McAlpine, D. E.; Grothe, K. B.; Himes, S. M.; Cockerill, R. G.; Clark, M. M. Identification and Treatment of Eating Disorders in the Primary Care Setting. (2010) Retrieved November 14, 2010 from http://www.mayoclinicproceedings.com/content/85/8/746
Treatment for Eating Disorders Largely Underfunded by U. S. Insurers (2010) Retrieved November 20, 2010 from http://www.treatmentcenters.net/advocacy-public- policy/treatment-for-eating-disorders-largely-underfunded-by-u-s-insurers/

Don't Cover Your Eyes

What do you see when you look at this picture? Do you see five young adults on the brink of growing up? Probably not, you probably see five people with their faces covered in a gray screen picture filter. Well, why don't you think of them on the brink of growing up, it will make the purpose of this post a little more visual.
I've been home almost all of this past week and the more time I spend here, the more I feel as if I don't fit somehow. I feel that I've already done this and there's somewhere else I should be right now. Is that what growing up is? Is it the realization of the existence of that other part of life that was childhood? I keep thinking yes, that's exactly what it is. It's the realization of personal ideals you didn't know you had. It's the opening up of those covered eyes to see you aren't playing a game anymore. The world in front of you is there, real, and scary as anything you ever thought. It almost makes you want to cover your eyes again. But you can't. You have to keep your eyes open because if you cover them again you will miss something. Whether it be something you want to remember or something you need to remember. So let's keep our eyes open together and find our new place in the world.

Big Day, Big Day

For those of you who remember me putting up this website: http://www.giveforward.com/sofias-eating-disorder-treatment-fund I am here to inform you that Sofia starts treatment today. The funds are at about 26% currently and she still needs the rest. I have gotten a peek into Sofia's life through my correspondence with her on her blog and I have come to find she is a very amazing and inspirational. I am wishing her the best of luck in her recovery and will keep all of you updated.

On the other hand, tonight I'm starting a weekend retreat at the Catholic Center at my university called Awakening. I don't know exactly what will be going on, but I do know it will be amazing and most likely life-changing. That being said, I won't be in contact with the outside world until Sunday afternoon. So if you want to talk to me, then would be the time.

Hope all of you are doing well!

Birthdays

So, I turned nineteen on Saturday and I went home to celebrate. I always feel really weird about birthdays because I know you're supposed to celebrate your life and everything, but the whole receiving gifts for being alive is odd to me. It's not that I don't appreciate everything I got this year, but I can never seem to come up with things that I want. I feel like I'm saying, "Yes, I'd like this because I've done something so simple as managing to live for another year." Am I the only one who feels this way? And why is it we celebrate the fact we are still alive only once a year if it is so very important? Shouldn't we just live our whole life in celebration that we are still here to celebrate it? I guess I'm just waxing existential today.

It Happened

Since someone is insistent on pictures, look at it. My legs are against my chest.

Hey there!

Hey, Comets! How's life? Mine is going pretty good right now. I just got back from a fun hour at a local coffee house with one of the FOCUS missionaries from my Catholic center. I really got to talk to her about things I've gone through in my life both past and presently. I really needed that, and I feel a whole lot better because I got to just talk to her.

For those of you who know me, I'm kind of a shy person. I don't usually say a whole lot unless someone asks. And tonight she just wanted to know about me. So I told her and I got a whole lot off of my chest. It was awesome and I feel so much better.

This weekend is not only Halloween, but Monday is the beginning of NaNoWriMo!! Which means I probably won't be posting much during November. I might put something up on my birthday, but don't count on anything. I'm so excited to drop everything and type this story. And for Halloween I'm going to be the red death from Edgar Allen Poe's The Mask of the Red Death. Awesome, right? I thought so.

"The Future"

Hey, Comets, for that is what my readers will now be called, I hope you are all doing well.

I haven't posted in over a week and I apologize, but part of this is because I was on fall break from this past Tuesday until Sunday, and the whole time I was home I was VERY busy. Sometimes you just have to take in all the busyness you can and enjoy it. I had so much fun with my friends and family, and I can't wait to see them all again on November 5 through 7.

Even though I had a great time at home, there were some things that stressed me out. I had to have a blood test on Thursday and I am still waiting on the results for that, and as many of you know, I am not a very patient person. I tend to worry a lot and get very nervous. I will keep all of you posted on how everything goes.

I have been thinking a lot about "the future" lately and it is very strange. Next year my current roommate and I will be getting an apartment with one of her friends and it will be the first time I will be "on my own". I know some people consider living in the dorms as being on your own, but I feel a lot of it depends on actually being responsible for paying rent and making sure you have the food you need. Don't get me wrong, I am really excited about this, but I am at the same time completely freaking out. Everything seems to be moving so fast and I just want to live in the moment. But the more I think about living in the moment, the more I think about how things will impact my life in the future. Because, as weird as it seems, what you do know affects who you will be later in life.

Just think about that, and I'll catch you later, Comets.

MIdterm Over

Right now I'm in my dorm de-stressing from my history midterm. Yikes, that thing was scary. I stayed up studying for it all week and now I'm glad it's over. Overall I think I did fairly well, I know I missed six points for sure, but hopefully that is all. I'm thankful it was the only midterm I had and that it is now the weekend and my fall break starts on Wednesday.

If you read this you probably know me personally and if you live in my hometown you will be seeing me in less than a week. Are you pumped? I am! Over the break I will be spending time with my mom and grandparents and brother on Thursday, will be spending an entire night with my best friend on Firday, will be spending time editing things with my father, and Sunday I will be returning to school.

I have no set plans for this weekend and that's just fine by me. That is all I have to say for today, as brief as it is.

Speaking

http://www.giveforward.org/sofias-eating-disorder-treatment-fund
Many people don’t know how to speak up for themselves to other people about the things in which they believe. Some people even have trouble speaking up for themselves to themselves. I’m going to talk about both of those things today. I’m going to talk to you about book banning and about eating disorders, specifically the struggle of a girl named Sofia.
First order of business, speaking out for what you believe. Well I guess this counts as speaking out against something we believe is wrong. For me, and much of the literary masses, this is about the challenging the books put into school curriculum and libraries. One of these has happened very close to me. This is the challenging of books in the Republic school district by a man by the name of Dr. Scroggins. This man claims that certain books are not appropriate for kids that age to be reading. The only thing he should be doing is monitoring the books his own children read. The books are in the curriculum for a reason and they don’t convey anything other books haven’t before. Besides the fact that his kids DON’T EVEN ATTEND THE SCHOOLS! That’s right, these kids are homeschooled.
So the English Society at my school, his workplace, is going to be outside of his building in the afternoon reading some of the books he thought were inappropriate. Hopefully I will have full results of this tomorrow.
And now speaking up for yourself, to yourself. People suffering from eating disorders often don’t seek the help they need, but when someone does, it’s a big step and a long struggle. This is especially true in Sofia’s case. Sofia has been struggling with her eating disorder and trying to get better for over four years now and she has been trying really hard. The problem is the recovery necessary for her is not covered by her insurance. Her family is not financially able to pay for her recovery and she is fully dependent on the support of others. I think this is really a huge thing, Sofia asking for help the way she has been because it means she is fully committed to her recovery. All I ask is that everyone who reads this, click on the link and learn more about Sofia. If you can make a donation, that would be amazing. I would make one if I weren’t a poor college student, but I think about her daily and send my prayers. I hope that you all do the same.

DramaDaddy

So, as you may know, my dad, DramaDaddy, has a blog of his own and on it he posts videos of songs or musicians he likes. As you may not know, he also plays music well. This is my video of DramaDaddy playing guitar for me.

YA Fiction, an Emerging Genre

As some of you readers may know, I am an aspiring author. Specifically I want to write Young Adult fiction. This is a growing genre which hasn't been around for a very long time. I believe I heard somewhere the first Young Adult genre novel was Go Ask Alice, a supposedly true diary of an anonymous teen who had a very big drug problem. Many people now believe it was written and published to scare kids away from drugs. But, that is not the point, the point is that the book was first printed in the 1970s. Do you see how recent that is?

Since then the world of YA fiction has been growing and expanding and forging its way through the world of literature. The point of this genre is to relate to young adults and write about things that would interest them and even get them interested in reading for later in life. I am such a big fan of these novels and the people who write them that I receive tweets from authors I like. This, other than helping me get a glimpse of what they do when they aren't writing, gives me a way of communicating with them. The people who write YA novels are really great with communicating with their target audience and I have a few ways to prove it.

1. The Nerdfighter Phenomenon: John Green(author of Looking for Alaska; An Abundance of Katherines; Paper Towns; and Will Grayson,Will Grayson) started making regular Youtube videos with his brother Hank and since then the following of these two brothers has grown to immense numbers. The brothers interact with this group of people they have named Nerdfighters (nerds who fight to decrease world suck) to help out in communities and just have a lot of fun.

2. My Interview with E. Lockhart: E. Lockhart is a YA author who knows how to write romance and also how to expand the way young adults think. In her novel, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, she presents the ideas of the panopticon and secret societies to the reader. The panopticon,which was originally the architectural design for a prison in which the guards were placed in a centralized area and the prisoners were in rooms that formed a circle around the guards. This made it possible for the guards to see the prisoners at any given moment, thus creating the fear that they are always watching. I found this concept interesting, especially when she applied this to the way we view other people and the "rules" of society. Since I liked it so much I used the idea for a research paper and casually asked E., via Twitter, if I could get an online interview with her. She responded by telling me that she normally doesn't do interviews, but since she was on Twitter at the time, she would let me ask a few questions. This was one of the best moments in my life. Not only had an author I loved replied to my tweet, but she was willing to let me interview her as well. I have to say, if I had any doubts about wanting to write YA fiction, they were shattered in that instant. I knew I someday wanted to be the person who made young adults think, really think. And I also wanted to be the person to give them the time of day, like so many other celebrities neglect to do.

Those are some of the reasons why I love YA literature and how it got me to want to be a writer as well.

Labor Day Weekend

Today is Labor Day and all I can think about is the homework I have to labor over. Okay, so it's not a lot of homework, but I really wish I didn't have any homework to worry about. I've had such a good time this weekend that I'm really sad to see it end.

I wasn't able to get home this weekend so my roommate and I spent it the best way I know how, we had adventures.

Friday: After all of our classes were over my roommate and I went to Wal-Mart to buy some stuff and we ended up getting a hair bleaching kit for my hair. Oh, that didn't turn out well. After the failed attempt we went to a Chinese restaurant and then back to Wal-Mart. We wanted to see if there was anything I could do to fix my hair. There wasn't. So we came back to our dorm and watched a movie instead.

Saturday: The morning started around ten thirty and we decided to do our laundry. After that we went to IHOP because we really wanted pancakes. After that we went to a hair salon and spent three hours there while they fixed my hair. It was a long time, but I'm glad I did it. After we got my hair fixed we picked up Dave and went to Fazoli's. Then we ate ice cream at the Andy's next door and it was really good. We decided to watch V for Vendetta after that. When the movie was over we thought it might be a good idea to walk around and we ended up at a gas station on Sunshine where we each bought a soda and Dave got a muffin. When we got back to the room it was about one thirty and we decided it might be a good idea to sleep.

Sunday: We went to see my roommate's father and brother in Carthage in the morning and had some bbq chicken at a park where they were fund-raising. We got back into the area at around six and went to Starbucks for some iced coffees. After that we came back to the dorm for a little while before attending seven thirty mass. After mass I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit before Crystal and I decided to go to IHOP again. The waitress there was really perky and we got some great laughs out of that. When we came back from IHOP Hairspray was on TV so we decided to watch the rest of that. I called my brother at midnight because it is his birthday and then I watched some TV before falling asleep.

So, as you can see, there is reason why I am extremely nonplussed over typing an outline for the speech I have to give tomorrow and doing some math homework. Hope everyone is having a good Labor Day and I'll post more when I have more to post.

First Week at MSU

I am a very lazy person and therefore I have copied my entry from my school blog below in place of a new and original entry.

I have to say that my first week of college was what I expected as much as it was not what I had expected. You may ask "how can this be?" and I intend to explain.

How I expected:
1.) There is always something to do: I knew from books and movies that if you walk around campus, eventually you'll find some way to quell your boredom. This is something I've found to be true on campus and I have to say, I am pleased.
2.) Sorority/Fraternity life is everywhere: While I am not one of the people who wish to partake in sorority life, I have enough sense to know that there are plenty of people who are. In the first week of school while rush is taking place I have seen countless girls in dresses and boys in fraternity shirts throughout campus and I know this will not cease once rush is over.

How I didn't expect:
1.) There is a lot of free time: I had no idea that once my classes were out for the day there would be so much time to do my homework and partake in a number of activities.
2.) That I'd find so many activities in which I wanted to partake: I had heard, as I'm sure so many others have, that "there's something for everyone" in college. I have to admit that I was skeptical. I'm happy to say though that since I've arrived I have found many activities in which to join. I am a proud member of the Catholic Campus Ministry, English Society, and Folklore Club. All of these things interest me because of my faith and my strong like of English and literary elements that might some day impact my writing.

I suppose those of you whom have stuck around long enough to get to this point are about ready to stop reading, so I will wrap it up. College life is everything I expected and nothing like it at all. I hope everyone else had an equally eye-opening first week.

Rest in Awesome

If you didn't know, I'm a member of a vast group of people spanning all across the world know as Nerdfighters. No, we do not fight nerds, we are nerds that fight to increase awesome and decrease the level of world suck. Being a Nerdfighter can bring you into the company of some of the most awesome people you have ever met/seen online/followed on Twitter.

One of the people I have come across was a girl named Esther Earl. Esther is high spirited and awesome girl who turned sixteen at the beginning of August. She influenced many people in Nerdfighteria as well as the HP Alliance which is a charity that consists of Harry Potter fans. This morning when I awoke I had received five tweets from various people informing me of very sad news.

At around three this morning Esther was taken to heaven after a long battle with cancer. I am still shocked when I think about how energetic she was, even last week in her Youtube videos. Needless to say, Esther will be strongly missed.

Rest in Awesome, Esther Earl, you deserve it.

First Day

So, I've completed my first day of college courses and it wasn't as horrible as I thought it might be. I was able to get to all of my classes on time and even early. In my math class I was able to talk to my teacher about not having my book yet and she was very nice about copying pages for me. Then I went to my history class where I realized I had the wrong version of the book. Now I have to order a new one and sell the one I have. FUN? No. But psychology was fun and I'm looking forward to the rest of the semester.

I had lunch with my roommate and some girls from my floor. It was fun and I got to know them a bit better. Now I'm sitting in my room listening to Armoured Bearcub and smiling to myself about the fact I completed my math homework. Yes! I'm not sure what I'm going to do until the bbq at the Catholic center at six thirty but I'll probably get out of my room for at least a little while. That's pretty much all I have to say for the day.

Oh Yeah, College

Hey, followers! You want to know where I am? Well, I'm in my dorm room right now. I just spent most of these, well at least half of these past twenty-four hours moving in. I have all of my stuff set up and I have internet connection. This is really all I need: books, music, internet, computer, and coca-cola. I could live like this for a very long time. Well, I suppose that human contact and showering, and food is necessary. But for the next few hours I will stay in my room. Because I am tired. Last night we had this thing called Play Fair which was just a huge ice breaker type of thing where we got to meet a whole lot of people from our class. It was a lot of running. Then today we went to get last minute things from Wal-Mart and came back to the dorm. My family left then and my roommate, Crystal and I got lunch and walked to where our classes would be. It was a lot of walking.

I suppose that's all I have to tell you about college so far. I know, not that interesting, but at least I typed something, right? Well, I'll let you know when my life gets interesting.

So Happy

Do you guys want to hear something really cool? I'm really happy right now! What? That doesn't qualify as something really cool? What a bummer... not really though, because I am actually really happy.

This morning I woke up to an empty house and took the liberty of taking a long shower. After this I did the few chores my mom left for me and turned on some music. I was expecting the day to be long and quiet and despite how mad I wanted to be about being stuck at home (car is STILL being fixed) all day, I couldn't. I was just happy. Then my friend told me that he was going to be able to come over and I spent the time it took for him to get here dancing. We talked until he had to go to work.

He dropped me off at the Shell up the street from my house and I bought Red Bull that I drank on the way home. As I was walking I realized why I might be so happy. I finished rereading Sarah Dessen's novel, Keeping the Moon and as the main character realized the point of the story, I did as well.

Sometimes in order for you and other people to have confidence in you, you have to fake it. You have to act like you believe in yourself and soon others will believe in you. All you have to say is, "I'm confident in myself" and keep it with you. So I know now that I can be confident if I want to be.

Starbucks Blog

I bet all of you are wondering where I am posting from? STARBUCKS! That's right, I decided to be one of THOSE people who sit at a table with some iced coffee and their laptop and type things because I want to look important. That's not true.

I'm at Starbucks because the people at Beauty Brands were already watching me and my big bags because I look like a shoplifter. I bet you all are shocked that I'm not a shoplifter. I had a consultation about correctional hair dyeing at Beauty Brands and my mother couldn't pick me up until after four. So I told her that I'd be at Starbucks. I'm mostly here for the internet though because I hadn't been online since Thursday evening. Yesterday I woke up at six thirty so I could be dropped off at my grandparents' because my car still isn't fixed, and I was to have lunch with my grandpa. After said lunch my cousin Amanda took me to my friend Rose's house. We had so much fun talking and goofing around that I didn't fall asleep until after two. That wasn't a good plan though because I had to wake up in time to be picked up at nine fifteen.

At that time my mother took me and my sister to a baby shower for my cousin. That was a lot of fun and it gave me a chance to see some of my relatives before I leave on Friday. My cousin Theresa took me to the library because we wanted to watch Saved tonight, but tragedy of tragedies, they didn't have it. She then dropped me off at Beauty Brands and that leads us to where I am as I type.

The moral of this post: don't judge the people typing at Starbucks, they might just be desperate for internet connection.

Submerged

Life without a car: Day 3. Today I got to type a whole lot. Yes, this was mostly because I didn't have anywhere to go, but other than that I'm actually having thoughts that relate to the characters and I'm sort of getting into the narrator's mindset. You see, this girl is sort of a tough, accept no crap sort of person. Her best friend is her next door neighbor and he is very emotionally dependent on her. He doesn't make a whole lot of his own decisions and he depends upon her to fight a lot of his battles. Since I'm not doing a whole lot of my own things I'm starting to submerge myself in theirs and that's why I'm getting a lot more typing done. Subsequently I can't think of a whole lot to blog about.

Tomorrow I will be getting out of my house and hopefully will have more to say.

Bananagrams at Nine

I had been bored for the majority of the day because I have been without a car. I had retired to my room at around eight when my mom had refused to take me to the library. I was sitting in my room typing when I got a phone call. It was my friend Emily and she asked me who all was home and I told her everyone but my sister. She quickly got off the phone and I was left to think she was blowing me off. A few minutes later my door opens and she's standing there saying that she and my sister's boyfriend had brought some ice cream. I was completely shocked.

After we'd finished our frozen treats we decided to play a game called Bananagrams. If you noticed, the word ANAGRAM is placed within the name. You are given an allotted number of letters and build words from those letters. We played about five games and each of them took about ten to fifteen minutes. I got to apply my love of words into this game and I also got to spend time with my friends and family. It made me really think about what life was really all about.

Sure, I broke my writer's block today and typed about three pages, but I also got to do something I won't always be able to do in college. I thought being stuck at home would be completely and utterly unbearable. But it turns out that everything can be solved with family and friends.

Adapting to Our Surroundings

Well, I'm finally posting again which means that I've finally had a day with which I could incorporate a moral. Aren't you all excited? *Used sarcastic voice*

Today my sister and I went to babysit for our two cousins who are four and one. We were extremely excited 1. because they are so adorable, and 2. because the four year old says the funniest things. So we arrived at eight and already Luke had his Batman mask on, which if you didn't know, meant he WAS Batman. Before he sat down to eat breakfast ("do you know what's in my milk? Cinninim") he took off the mask and said, "I'm Luke now". So we watched him eat and my sister fed Jackson his breakfast.

From there it was pretty smooth sailing, Luke played with his Super Friends toys and Jackson walked around laughing and playing with random things along the way. Our cousin Anna joined them a few hours later and that's when Luke started getting a little upset when she "took my Joker" and didn't watch his Super Friends DVD. We ordered pizza and watched some Spongebob before she left when Luke told her mom to "make sure she doesn't take any of my toys".

The whole time Luke was wild and crazy and Jackson stayed very calm. He sat down with me a few times so I could read him one of his books and he smiled an awful lot. That's when I realized it: people adapt to their surroundings really fast.

Jackson was born into a family where there already was one wild little boy. He quickly realized, it seems, that if he wanted to coexist he couldn't combat Luke's wild behavior but he had to stay calm. He always is ready to give a hug or be held and that's probably how my aunt can cope with those two. (They're really not that bad.)

I think I'm a lot quieter and introverted because of my surroundings as well. My older siblings were always so busy and popular that it just seemed too overwhelming to me. My sister always had something going on and she always seemed to be getting in trouble with my mom so I figured that if I didn't do a whole lot, I'd get in a whole lot less trouble. My brother was always so good at talking to people that I didn't really ever feel like I had to say anything and that's why I think I'm a good listener.

I challenge all of you to look into your past or current surroundings and determine if those impacted who you are today. Did you adapt? Did you disrupt? Let me know in the comments. That means you, DramaDaddy.

Rearview Mirrors

First thing I have to say, I love my DramaDaddy. He always has the best comments for my posts and sometimes they are so sweet that they make me want to cry, especially when he put the lyrics to that Green Day song that I'm sure everyone knows.

He did make a very valid point about driving forward through life and not looking through the rearview mirror the whole time.

We always need to be aware of the present and all the experiences we can have if we notice the people and the places around us. This is sometimes hard to think about if you're always thinking "this is the last time I'll ever do this" or "I'm really going to miss this". What we should be doing is collecting new things from all around us and enjoying the stuff we have yet to experience.

True, it's nice to keep some stuff in the rearview mirror and look back sometimes on what once was. These are the things we save forever and pull out during the really bad times or even the really good ones. These are the places where we find the most comfort and the strength it takes to carry on.

But we have to remember to continue on through the journey. If you keep looking back, you'll eventually crash in the present and there's no going back without the car. If you can keep the present, you can also keep the past. You can keep it right where it should be so that you can always come back to it in the future.

Sure the past shaped who you are, but who you are and what you do NOW shapes who you will become. You don't want to stay the same, there's always room for growth and self-improvement, no matter who you are.

Random Monday Morning

So last night was the Senior Dinner for my youth group and it made me very sad to think about not seeing these same people almost every Sunday. They're like an extension of my family and leaving them behind is going to be just as hard as leaving my family behind. I learned so much about others and myself during my four years there and I will never forget all the memories I made with them.

Two of my siblings celebrated birthdays in the three days that I haven't posted and I want to give a shout out to them. (I suppose I give a lot of shout outs now.)

Cecilia: My beautiful sister, I hope that sixteen treats you better than it treated me. I hope it is a year that you remember for the good times you had and the great company you kept. Keep on singing and being the most awesome little sister I know.

Matt: You are now seventeen and as such I expect a great deal of things from you. Not really. I encourage you to enjoy your last year as a child as you go through senior year.

Today my friend Mary is coming over and I am very thrilled to see her because this may very well be the last time I see her before I leave for school. I bought popsicles specifically for this situation and I can't wait to talk with her and generally goof around. We are the kind of people that can make anything fun, even math which we had together for two years. We also befriended a piece of wood named Jameison. Speaking of which, I should have him ready for her arrival.

It's NOT an Angst Blog

Is it bad that the only reason I'm able to type an entry is because I am not able to write anything else? I've been looking at some of my story ideas and I have no idea where I want them to go. Also, I am writing letters for the core team members of my youth group and I'm stuck on those as well. This is just horrible.

Today my friend got back from Florida and I got to spend some time with her, which is always fun especially because she's basically another little sister. We laughed about a lot of things and she's still being really sweet about the guy thing. I told her not to worry about it though because, in all honesty, I'll get over it eventually and I'll move on to other guys. He's going to be here, and I won't. Enough of that though because this isn't an angst blog and it was never meant to be one.

I'm having a lot of difficulty deciding which of my books I will take to school with me and it's not getting any easier. I wish I could take them all with me, but I suppose I'll just stick to fifteen. Does that seem like a reasonable number?

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my daddy! (http://www.dramadaddy.blogspot.com) He is the only one who comments on my posts and I think he's really cool and stuff. Congrats on your job, Dad!

Friends are the Best

Have you guys searched for your inner confidence? Have you stuck up for yourself today like we talked about? I did...well sort of. Last night I talked to my friend and asked her how much she liked my other friend. She wouldn't answer until I told her why I'd asked, which as you all know is because I like him as well. And she does like him. A lot. So I decided to back off.

But she wasn't angry that I liked him at all. In fact, she asked me if I was ok with the fact that she was going to date him. I told her that it was absolutely fine with me, which is true...or it will be eventually. As I said last night, if they're happy, I have no right to keep them from each other.

It always touches me when I realize how much my friends really care. Sure, there are some people that I won't talk to much ever again, but there are those amazing and special few that I know will always be with me. They say all the right things and they sometimes say something beyond what you ever expected that will always stay with you.

I hope each and every one of you has at least one friend like that. Someone that would put his/her own happiness aside if it meant hurting you.

Needless to say, I made a playlist of songs that are kind of sad, but some of them are filled with immense hope and passion. I listened to it all last night and all today.

Until tomorrow, or whenever I post next.

My Inner Eva

I bet all of you were under the impression that you were going to get an entry every day last week...and I know that's because I told you it would happen. I'm sorry, but I didn't even get online Saturday through Tuesday and by then I was too involved with family time that I could never stay away long enough to write an entry.

I also know that most of my blogs lately haven't had a theme to them other than my daily life, and I really don't want that to be my sole reason of having a blog. Sure I want to rant and rave about myself, but I also want to try and have meaning in these paragraphs.

As some of you might know, I am not very good at confronting other people. This was proven a few weeks ago when one of my friends started yelling at me in her car and I just sat there and didn't say anything. Then it was proven again when the same friend texted me wanting to hang out and I accepted even though she'd done me wrong. I know she'd hurt me, and she acts like nothing happened, but do I tell her that I'm still angry? No, I act as though nothing has happened as well. I suppose I'm not very good at sticking up for myself.

But I really want to change that. I think there might be a way to do that, but it's not going to be easy. It involves telling someone that I possibly like him again and asking my friend if she really likes him. I would never do anything if I knew she really liked him though because I'm really good friends with the both of them and if they make each other happy, who am I to get into the middle of it. It actually feels really good to get this off of my chest. Sorry if today was all about me, but maybe you all learned to stick up for yourselves as well.

Special Thanks To: Kate Brian, author of The V Club. Without rereading this book I wouldn't have remembered my inner Eva. All she needed was to stick up for herself, and so do I.

The Denial Twist

This blog is going to be all over the place today because I’m going to be making some of it in the car. Aren’t you happy for the moving blog? I am. I love vacation, all parts of it. It means time away from the stresses of everyday life and lets me spend time with my family. Sure, they’re nuts, but so am I. They put up with me better than most people and I love them for it.

We keep passing my cousins’ car. I believe it’s an ongoing joke, to pass each other and wave. We have all these crazy little traditions that are carried out throughout vacation. One that we started a few years ago is making fun of my mom for saying that the trees in other states were “different”. I just did this, and it’s still funny. Another thing we do, well the girls around my age, is have Magical Nights in the room we have in Gulf Shores. There are no better times than those nights. One of the things the families do as well is we take turns making dinner for everyone. This is always good because most of my family is wonderful at cooking and I take full advantage of it.

We're at the Embassy Suites now, so I'll wrap this one up. See you tomorrow.

"Find Yourself" = Worst Saying Ever

Tomorrow I embark on another family vacation. I know that I haven't put up an entry in a while, but I'm hoping to change that.

It's funny because I just got finished reading a book (Ever After by Rachel Vail) and it was written like a journal. I thought "I wish I had a journal". Then I remembered, "I have a blog! Isn't that what it's her for?" I'm pretty much ridiculous. I have been doing a whole lot of other writing though, so that is a plus. Did I mention that this is my first post from my laptop? Yay, I have a laptop!!!

There are many things that I have been thinking about lately, and one of them is friends. Sometimes I think about my friends and wonder if they actually like me or if they just tolerate me because they feel sorry for me. I suppose this is because of a recent interaction with one of my friends in which she yelled at me for no reason and hasn't talked to me since. Am I too nice?

Sometimes I feel like I do things just to make people happy. I mean, I go along with what people say and I feel sort of fake. Not with everyone, but there are those people who make me feel as though I can't be myself without looking like a complete fool.

I will explore further into this as my vacation progresses. I guess I could use this trip as a time to find myself. Damn, I swore I would never say that. Like I was looking for me. Ha, how stupid is that saying? I guess I should work on that, "finding myself". I can't remember who said this but there's a quote that I love that goes: "Find out who you are and do it on purpose." Oh wait! It was Dolly Parton, I heard it in the movie, A Walk to Remember.

Well, I guess I've bored my three readers enough for today. Hopefully I'll get enough web access to post more entries while on vacation.

You'll never believe this, but I am blogging from my phone. No, I don't have the internet; I'm texting. You'll have to forgive any typing errors that may occur because I don't have a full screen. Anywho, I've been pretty busy lately with the play I'm in... Did I not mention the play? So, my sister has a production company that puts on plays during the summer, and I'm in the first show! I play an angry cook and I think everyone should come see me make a spectacle of myself. 2550 Elm St. Friday and Saturday at seven thirty! On another note, I'm all registered for the fall semester! I went up last Monday and Tuesday for orientation and I'm really excited! More on that tomorrow!

I have a good excuse for not posting a blog in a while. Here's the thing... I got rear-ended. I'm not injured or anything, but the jolt forward made my migraines come back and that is just horrible. So I did what I thought was sensible and took my migraine medicine, but that makes me, for lack of a better word, floopy.

But the fog is lifting and therefore I will post! Since we last met I have made it to the current season of Doctor Who. Yes, I'm extremely nerdy that way. In my opinion, Christopher Eccleston is the best doctor. David Tennant was the doctor longer, but there's just something about Eccleston that is so amazing and beautiful. I still am not quite sure how I feel about Matt Smith, the current doctor. His features are so much more animated looking and he seems so much younger than the other two. Besides this, he doesn't seem to have any idea of what he is doing. In terms of the assistants to the doctor, I did like Rose the most, I guess you just have to... she's the one he fell in love with. It's something really special. That doesn't matter to me though, because I am going to be the doctor's assistant and he will love me. (Wishful thinking.)

I got some of my cousins into Doctor Who as well and they've decided that we should make our own movie this summer. So I thought, what the hey! I'm a bit excited about it actually because it gives me something to do and it gives me people to talk about Doctor Who to.

Other than that I'm helping my sister out with her play production company again. I know I swore last summer that I would never do that again, but I guess I'm a sucker. I'm actually in one of the plays this summer. I know what you're thinking, "You can't act." I know, but I play an angry cook and I think I can act angry well enough. My sister is actually coming over soon to eat pizza with me. Yup, pizza is really awesome.

Tomorrow I think I'll talk about camp. I've never been to camp.

Memorial Weekend

I guess summer is officially here since my siblings are now done with school and I don't have to get up early to take them anymore. The only downside to this is that they'll be home all day now. I'm just kidding, my siblings are fairly cool. I just hope that I can tolerate them all summer...

Friday night into Saturday afternoon I was on a camping trip with my youthgroup that was for Seniors only, so the annoying kids weren't there. Again, I am joking, I love my youthgroup. Friday night we sat around the campfire and roasted stuff and just talked, it was pretty amazing. I love it when I can catch up with people and spend quality time with them. Especially if I won't see them as often anymore. Then, on Saturday we took a two mile hike. (That's right AC, I went hiking.) Luckily I didn't fall of any rocks or break any bones and I got through it without dying. I consider that a successful hike.

On the way home from the trip we stopped to grab a turtle that Megan wanted for a pet, but then it started snapping at us. Evil turtle. So we pulled over on the side of the road to let it go. Little did we know that Matt's phone fell out of his pocket and we left that on the side of the road as well. Eventually some people went back to get the phone, so it's not so bad.

Today I went strawberry picking at seven in the morning and had a wonderful time. My family strawberry picks every memorial day weekend for as long as I've been alive and when I was nine, I joined the tradition. Since my grandpa is no longer able to pick his own strawberries I've taken up his post. The best part about this is that whatever my grandma doesn't want I get to keep and eat. I love it.

My daddy is here. Bye.

No More DHS

Today is the day I graduate and I feel I need to post a blog. The truth behind the lack of posts lately is the lack of things that I have done. I have been moderately busy, what with my one exam and working maybe two hours a week, and the two awards banquets I've gone to, but there was always time to blog and nothing to blog about.

If someone asked me if I made an impact on Duchesne, I would have to give you a big "no". I didn't wow the school with great performances on stage or on a field, and I didn't get great honors with my academics. When I did work on the plays it was always behind stage, and I guess that's the kind of person I've always been. I can take direction and help things get accomplished.

If someone asked me if I made an impact on the students, I'd say yes. I've never been a very outgoing person and most people wouldn't be able to tell you what my favorite TV show is, but if you asked them if I was nice, I think all of them would say yes. I've made it a point to be kind to everyone, and if someone asked me for help, I would try my best to help them. I didn't get into any fights or have any detentions, but I guess that's because I always took the safe route. I didn't make waves or reach out because I was always afraid of the repercussions.

But tonight when I graduate I know things will change, if not immediately, then gradually. After the graduation is over all the seniors are going to a lock-in until five tomorrow morning, and I plan on having a blast and being myself, not the quiet girl most of them know me as.

Tomorrow I'll tell you all about it, when I wake up.

Shell is No Longer a "Winner's Market"

So, you know how I talk sometimes about the Shell station up the street from my house? Yeah, the one with the nice guy who gives me free soda sometimes. Well, I have sad news, the jacked up the prices on their fountain drinks! If you know me at all, you will know how greatly this has upset me. I almost paid a FULL DOLLAR for my coke today, not a happy moment. The cups for the 32oz sodas I get say "Winner's Market" on them and right now I'm looking at mine and thinking, "You are no winner, you're just a sham!" I am appalled at this! So close to graduation and they have to rip me off like that! I just have to say, I'm going to Quik Trip next time. They keep their prices low, and I love that.

Spins Madly On

Here we are on a lovely Thursday afternoon, and I'm realizing I haven't blogged in almost a week...for shame! I suppose I could say that I've been too busy hanging out with people, that I've been reading and writing a bunch, that I've immersed myself in some new music; and while that all may be true, the fact of the matter is that I really haven't had anything blog worthy go on in my life.

Right now I'm listening to "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies and I'm thinking about how true this song is. If you've never heard it, you should listen to it. It's about how no matter how still you stand, the world is still moving. No matter how much you might want everything to just stop and stay the way it is, that's not the way life works.

My last full week of school is next week, and that scares the hell out of me. I have summer ahead, but beyond that is my entrance to that big world out there. AH! I really don't know how this all will turn out, but I'm writing every night and hoping that this will be enough.

Tomorrow is the scheduled "senior skip day" so people can get ready for prom tomorrow night. For those of us lucky enough not to be going it means we can relax all day. Or that's what it SHOULD mean. I will be working starting at ten and then I have to pick up siblings from school at noon. Oh well, Cecilia and I will get some Taco Bell and then go over to my older sister, Suzanne's house. That should be fun.

I guess this is adequate in length...now I have to find something to do. I'm so bored! Three day weekend, nothing to do!

Never Cry Quotes

Last night I watched Saved with my cousin and I thought it would be cool for people to tell me their favorite Saved quotes because it has many classic lines. What I got in return was a bunch of people telling me their favorite movies to quote.

This included such classics as The Princess Bride, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Heavyweights. It also included ridiculous suggestions such as Marley and Me.

I realize that I shouldn't expect anything more from my family. Their idea of culture is going on vacation. They also only think about Spanish in terms of ordering Mexican food, it's the same for Chinese. I guess that's part of the reason I read so much and watch so many diverse movies. I want to break the mold some of my family has set before me.

I know some of this was in humor, but seriously, there's a point when you've clearly crossed the line.

My thoughts go out to my friend who put down his dog on Saturday. This might help some of you realize that your comments didn't quite work the way you wanted them to. RIP Ginger, 13 years was a long time.

The Complete Persepolis and Lifeteen

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...what do I write about on a Tuesday?

I just finished reading a graphic novel called "The Complete Persepolis" by Marjane Satrapi. It was a very interesting book about a girl growing up in revolutionary Iran and how this affected her life, views, and relationships. I usually don't read books that are so educational and non-fiction, but this one was really good.

My friend Aaztli had lent it to me when I lent her Will Grayson, Will Grayson so I thought I might as well take a look, and I was not disappointed. Marjane is a very interesting person and if anyone has a chance to check this book out, I highly recommend it.

This past weekend I helped give my last Luke 18 retreat with my youthgroup and I had a blast! Adoration on Saturday was amazing as always and I let the fact that this was my last retreat totally overwhelm me and let me have the best time I could possibly have. It's always nice to be surrounded by so many people who love and support you in your faith, especially when you have to give a talk as difficult as mine was for me. I gave the "hurting and making up" talk, and this is not always easy for people to do. I was so nervous, especially since I don't like speaking in front of people to begin with. Luckily I had friends to support me and pray for me, and I got through it without a hitch.

I really will miss Lifeteen next year.

Hidden Memories

I read a book today called Circle the Soul Softly. It was a very inspiring book for me as an author because Davida Wills Hurwin does such a wonderful job portraying this girl, Katie, who is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and doesn't even realize it.

She knows something is wrong with her, and for a long time she believes she is schizophrenic because she has a lot of symptoms common with that disorder. That is until she remembers. You see, her dad was sick when she was younger and died when she was in eighth grade, but she doesn't have a lot of memories of that time. She only has a nightmare in which a monster, who is a man without a face is chasing her. You go through the novel with her and slowly begin to realize things as she does. Then one of her nightmares turns into a memory. The man without a face is her father, and he disappears to her as she disassociates herself from what he is doing to her. Her father came to her room when she was little.

I know this may sound weird to you normal people out there, but sometimes I wonder if I have repressed memories. I guess that's the author in me. I didn't have a good childhood, I've seen things that most people wouldn't imagine a little girl to know about, and it has made me see things differently. I don't think the same way as other people do, and I guess I should be grateful for this because it helps me write. But there's always that little part of me wondering if there is something deep down I don't remember.

I guess that's it for today. I hope I didn't freak you all out.

It's in the Words

the words aren't coming to me very easily today, so i am going to type like david levithan's will grayson. that's right, he uses no capitalization unless he's very ANGRY or trying to prove a point. hmm... that's actually kind of interesting to me.

do you ever think that authors have reasons for typing things the way they do? speaking as an aspiring author, it is my experience that they do. wow, shocking right? not really. did you ever wonder why the teenage prostitute in catcher in the rye was wearing green? (ac, this is for you) i learned in my sophomore english class that this is because of the madonna/whore dichotomy.

the madonna/whore dichotomy is basically a stereotype for women. it says that either a woman is a madonna, meaning that she is innocent and young and takes care of others, or she is a whore, i'm figuring you know what this means.

back to the catcher in the rye. she wears a red coat symbolizing the fact that she is whoring herself out, as red is characteristically for adulterers and whores (seen in the SCARLET letter). but underneath this red coat is a green dress. green is a very innocent color. this means that even though she does whore herself out, she's actually a madonna! i believe that salinger is telling us with this girl that we can't judge people by their outward appearances.

i bet you didn't catch that when you read the novel, unless you read it for school like i did. if you know of any other instances in which the author is trying to tell you something, aka symbolism, comment it!

Prepare Yourselves!

Hey, y'all! I have a really bad cough thing, so I'm going to make this post a little short, I think.

Here's the thing, GRADUATION. That's right, it's coming, looming in the near future and we can't hide from it. I've been thinking about this today because I had my "exit interview" with the principal of my school. This basically means that he asked about teachers I liked or didn't like. He also asked if I was prepared for college. That's when I kind of freaked out in my own head.

Prepare for college! Ah! It sounds like I'm going off to battle, and that's something I really don't want to do. This is when my mind goes off into little tangents. I think of a lot of different things when I think about going off to college.

1.) Independence- I know we always think that things will be so much easier when we get to make our own decisions...but do we really want to make our own decisions? I mean, my mom even told me the other day that I have to make my own choices. I like to go with the flow, I thought I wasn't being picky, but no, I hate making choices.
2.) Distance- As I have said before, I will be the farthest I've ever been away from my family and this scares me. My older brother is moving back into town, and I will be the only one gone. I'm so used to having family everywhere that next year will be very hard to get used to.
3.) The Future- I really have to buckle down on my writing now if I want to have a novel published by the time I graduate college. I need to know my process and be able to devote a lot of time to typing and looking over the things I have. I also need to finish more stories than I start.

Saying this, I will be leaving you to type now...I need to have this done! Oh why can't I get all my ideas on paper and edited immediately?

Playlist April 5-9

Monday- Happy by Brandi Carlile: I really didn't do too much on Monday, but something made me really happy. I miss those days when not doing anything could be enough.
Tuesday- No Floods by Stefani Germonata: I had to work on Tuesday, but it was worth it because working makes me those paychecks. I always get really hopeful on days when I work because I imagine what life will be like later and I feel unstoppable.
Wednesday- I Don't Want to Wait by Paula Cole: I picked this song because of the title. I skipped posting this day because I couldn't wait to finish reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson. It was AWESOME.
Thursday- My Little Corner of the World by Yo Lo Tengo: I took some time on Thursday to look at this old website (shelfari.com). I felt as though I'd slipped back into some other time and place. Somewhere that was mine, but part of something bigger at the same time.
Friday- No Sleep by The Faders: I feel like just doing wild and crazy things right now. Who knows...I might just stay up all night.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson and Washing Machines

Yeah, sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I have a legitimate excuse. I had to read! It was absolutely necessary and if you can't see that, I don't think we can be friends...I'm just kidding, of course we can be friends.

You see, I pre-ordered this book Will Grayson, Will Grayson on Amazon.com over the weekend and it arrived yesterday while I was waiting for the new washing machine to get to the house. Yes, I was waiting for the washing machine. You see, my mother couldn't be home to sign for it, so about three periods into school I get a text from my mom telling me that I should go home because the washing machine people will be there in about forty-five minutes. So I went to the office due to a "migraine" and called my mom who told me to go home. So they gave me a pass and home I went.

Now, I am not going to ruin this book for you because I believe you all should read it. But I will tell you that it is super amazing. If you don't like a lot of cursing, you may not appreciate it as much, but I have to tell you it is hilarious. I almost couldn't put it down long enough to watch Heathers last night, but of course "a best friends work is never done", so I had to. Not really, I really wanted to watch Heathers. I highly suggest that movie as well. But not for those who can't understand dark, sarcastic humor.

Well, I guess that's about all I have to say...I should probably go to the library and find something else to read. Oh, by the way here's a link to the book: http://www.readingrants.org/2010/01/15/will-grayson-will-grayson-by-john-green-david-levithan/

Character Crushes

Alrighty, so yesterday I got philosophical on you guys and now I'm going to take on the flip side of some of the books I read. The unrealistically wonderful guys that I fall in love with. NO, this is not about the evil Edward Cullen. Don't even get me started on how much I detest that fake, sparkly, stalker vampire wannabe. The guy has no depth! Please, it's just like saying you have a crush on a celebrity because of their face which may be fake. I'm not saying I don't enjoy some guys' faces, but there has to be more than that!

Take for instance, my highest character crush William B. Landsman from Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac. He's not perfect looking and he wears old fashioned clothing to go with his personality. And he's stubborn, so stubborn that he went to school with pneumonia and his lung had to collapse before he would leave his duties as editor of the yearbook. But he's the best friend a person could have. When Naomi needed a ride to see her ex, Will took her even though he was mad at her. He also made her this wonderful slideshow with pictures from the years she forgot to help her remember. I could talk and talk for hours about how great Will is because he has great characteristics. He's not a creepy stalker vampire.

A lot of my character crushes are from Sarah Dessen novels, and if you've read any of them, you can see why. Sarah gives these characters depth! She doesn't just say "they have this great crooked smile" (cough cough, Stephanie Meyer), but they also have faults, just like actual guys! No, being a vampire is not a fault! I will discuss a few of Dessen's guys.

Dexter: He is lanky and clumsy as hell, but behind his childish behavior is this really sweet guy who believes in love after everything he's been through that would convince him not to.
Wes: Sure, he's got the perfect looks "sawoon", but he is super shy and has a criminal record. He's also a great artist and very modest about his work as well.
Owen: Owen gets angry easily and has anger management issues. He's working on them though, and tells the truth because that's what he expects in return. He's a music expert and will enlighten you if you ask.

These are just a few examples, I could write forever about characters I've fallen in love with, but I'm sure that would get boring. But the point is that I don't look for guys that are perfect. I look for characters with depth. Which is something today's society has been sorely lacking in the teen population idol wise. We should work on that.

The Perks of Infinite Playlists

Today I finished a book and started reading another. This isn't an uncommon thing for me to do, but what is uncommon about this is the fact that the novel I finished reading was one I've read twice already in less than five months. It is my favorite book ever, and trust me that is something I don't say lightly.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a work of brilliance that I recommend to everyone who has the ability to read things "as a filter, not a sponge". Don't get me wrong, absorbing this novel is a wonderful thing, but when you can read it and put it in terms of your own life, it's so powerful. Charlie, a freshman living on the edges of the lives of seniors, experiences things that so many of us experience every day, but can never put into our own words. The feelings and actions in the novel are so provoking that it just blows my mind every single time I read it. The author, Stephen Chbosky, is a genius and I would love to possess half the writing ability he has.

This novel always gets me going on the idea of being infinite. At one point in the novel Charlie tells his best friends Patrick and Sam that he feels infinite. At first I could only imagine what this could possibly mean. It sounded so open ended, so open to interpretation. But then it happened to me. This is how I described it to a friend: "I feel like anything could happen. Anything in the realm of possibility, good or bad, could occur right now. The best part of this is that I feel like I could take it. It's insane. It's wonderful. It's overwhelming. It's more than I can say and everything I've ever said. It's just so...infinite. Period."

Also, I started reading Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Will tell you how that goes. Now I will watch some Rocky Horror, one of the things also in Perks. I love this movie!

There's a Wall There

Sorry I have been so terribly neglectful lately. No, I haven't given up on my blog or been too busy to post...I've been suffering from Acute Authoring Absence aka Writer's Block.

That's right, I haven't been able to write anything in almost four days...it is killing me! I hate the fact that I'm leaving you hanging here, but the words just aren't flowing like they usually do.

The main reason I am posting today is to ask for prayers for my grandpa who is currently in the hospital. He had an episode on Sunday, thought it wasn't that bad, and decided not to go in to see a doctor until today. They had him go to the hospital for testing, and he was then admitted. I hope he's okay. Please, please, please keep him in your prayers!

Sorry everyone, Friday there was no playlist because I went on a retreat. And you can be mad all you want, but the retreat was amazing, so I don't care.

Have you ever had to give a talk about something really personal to you? This weekend, I had that experience, and let me tell you, it is hard to do. It is difficult to get up there sometimes and say "this is what I've been through, and this is how I was able to work through it." I am the only one giving the Hurting and Making Up talk on the Luke 18 retreat in two weekends, and this weekend was our planning retreat. I felt as though I was going too fast, but when it was over I was glad to have it off of my chest.

That's what talking about things can do for you. After my talk was over we had another talk and then adoration. I love adoration. The feeling I get from talking about things that are troubling me is intensified one hundred percent when I give myself over to God in adoration. You see, God knows what you're feeling and when you decide to give it to Him, just like I talked about before, it's simply amazing.

I have to say farewell now, I'm getting distracted by showtunes. ("doing number 17, the spread eagle!"), that was for SC. Here's to having a great Holy Week and my Youtube video getting over 2,000 views!

A Description

Earlier in my blog I had talked about not judging people because of one thing, now I want to go back, and try to describe myself by just using some of the things I have in my room. Some things people have are very generic and could belong to anyone, but when things are brought together they describe a person and what they like. That is what I'm trying to do with this post.

Gangar: On top of the computer in my room sits a little purple Pokemon with sparkly nail polish on him.

A Bible: On my little nightstand thing is the Holy Bible marked in certain chapters.

Jelly Belly Dispenser: On my bookshelf is a Jelly Belly dispenser filled with beads because I ran out of Jelly Bellies.

Hello Kitty Lamp: I have a Hello Kitty Lamp that smokes when I turn it on because the current lightbulb has green nail polish on it.

Glass Coke Bottles: I have two glass Coca Cola bottles from Oberweis because I think they look really cool.

So, do these things describe me? If you need help, I'm a nerd (Gangar, Hello Kitty), who has a strong faith (Bible), and is fairly random (Jelly Belly Dispenser, Glass Coke Bottles).

Zombie Road

This is an all time first for this blog, I did some research. That's right, research. Many of you readers are from the same area as I am, and might be familiar with the location for which this post is titled, Zombie Road. Some of you more familiar than others. (You know who you are.)

Today at lunch, a few of my friends were recounting a tale in which they took a trip down to Zombie Road this past weekend, and were caught there by the police. Coincidentally, I had told them of someone I knew who had gone there and also been caught by the police, and therefore told them it was a bad idea. They chose not to listen to me, and were lucky enough to only get slammed with a fine instead of getting brought into police custody.

Now, some people may say that Zombie Road isn't haunted, and it's just a myth, but from my research I have found that people who have visited the area twice have said that the sight is never the same and no matter how far down you drive, the inescapable feeling of claustrophobia follows you the whole way down. It is said that a girl died on a set of train tracks down there, but my friends tell me this isn't a likely story since the tracks appeared to be very small. It is also said that this was also the sight of an ancient Indian burial ground. I won't judge either way, I haven't seen it, but there's one thing I know for sure: go down there and the police will catch you.

There are signs all over the place telling you not to trespass, and the police even told my friends that they have sensors down there. So if you want to see Zombie Road and have the money to pay for the fine, be my guest and go down there, but remember, with every thrill comes the price.

Truth: A Game

Have any of you ever played the game Truth whether it be at a sleepover or just to know someone better? If so, you may know that it can be a dangerous and ridiculous game. This all depends on who you play with and how committed you and the other player(s) are to getting serious answers from each other.

I have played this game with a fair amount of people, and learned about it, that's right, from a book. Sarah Dessen discusses this game in her novel The Truth About Forever, and it seemed really simple to me. Basically all you do is ask the other person (or people) questions about themselves and they have to give you an honest answer. If they lie or pass on a question and the next person answers their question (which is usually a difficult one) that person wins. Doesn't that sound simple?

I became addicted to this game almost immediately after finishing the novel. I took it up with a group of my cousins at one of our regular sleepovers, and they kind of caught on, but that's not where it really took off for me. It really stuck with me and one of my guy friends.

We all know that guys can be fairly stubborn, and will do anything to win. This always makes the game enjoyable. We started this same game last January, and it is still going as I type. Yes, no matter how long we go without speaking to each other, which went on for about a month just recently, we always get back to this same game because neither of us will admit defeat. Sometimes the questions are ridiculous because someone's tired (me) or someone can't think of anymore questions (him), but we learn so much about each other simply by asking random things.

I challenge each of you to pick someone you don't know too well and just start a game of truth with them. You'll be surprised at what you might learn.

Sick Days

My morning went something like this: I woke up and there was intense pain in my lower abdomen. I still planned to go to school, but I walked into the kitchen to let my mom know that I was not feeling well. She told me I was staying home. So I went back to bed.

I woke up a few hours later, the ache had not subsided, but I decided to relocate to the family room with a nice book that I was rereading for the fourth time. This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen, is one of my all time favorite novels, as she is one of my favorite authors and I found it easier to relax rereading this story than watching a movie. Then, when I had finished that novel, I had already had most of it finished, I decided to complete the footnotes in a novel I had written last year. I didn't complete this task though because halfway through I started texting my friend Sam, and we just were being ridiculous.

Mind you, this whole time I was, and still am in a bunch of pain, the source of which I am not sure yet, but I was thinking about how people spend their sick days. I spend mine curled up with a familiar story, one that I could probably tell you by heart, while some people probably watch movies or soap operas. It's just one of those things that is unique to each person depending on what comforts them.

Oh well, I have to go and see if Sam passes on this question. I could finally win Truth after a year! You never know.

Rocky Horror Omegle

Decided that on Saturdays, if I have time to post, I will post conversations I have on Omegle. Rules: I will have a theme each Saturday. This week is the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

You: have you seen rocky horror?
Stranger: no i havent
You: really? that's sad. it's really good
Stranger: is that a movie?
You: yeah, best movie ever
Stranger: hah , whos in it ? :]
You: tim curry, susan surandon
Stranger: hmm
You: yeah, you should check it out
Stranger: its a old movie isnt it?
You: yeah, but it's garunteed to thrill you, chill you and fulfill you
Stranger: hmm . where could i watch it?
You: library probably has it. sci fi section
Stranger: ohh , alright. will i like piss my pants ? =p
You: or musical...hard to tell
You: no, it's amazing, not scary
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: what r u doing
You: have you seen rocky horror picture show?
Stranger: how it is
You: huh?
Stranger: u like to see horror movie
You: no, the rocky horror picture show
You: you know, science fiction double feature...the time warp?
Stranger: no u tell me
Stranger: u r science student
You: no, it's a movie
Stranger: i m like to see romantic movie
You: oh, well this is my favorite movie
You: it has all these great songs in it
You: plus transvestites and aliens
Stranger: ya it is great
Stranger: u have web cam
You: no
You have disconnected.

As you can see, some people will get weirded out when you talk about anything. Others will stop at nothing just to see if you may be hot. They might just talk about science fiction double features. Until next week.

March 15-20 Playlist

Monday: Breathe by Anna Nalick- This is about taking things as they come, you can't change the way things go or rewind. I had to wait and just see how things would go. Sometimes just breathing is the hardest thing to do.
Tuesday: Moon Shadow by Kate Rusby- This song talks about a friend who lets the singer sleep. She knows that no matter what, the friend will be there for her, like trusting in God to be there.
Wednesday: Time of No Reply by Nick Drake- This, was supposed to be the day I got my test results. They didn't come that day, QED the title no reply. I like the rhythm of this song because it's soothing and just indifferent to the fact that there is no answer. Sometimes you just have to live without knowing and you have to be okay with that.
Thursday: Wonder by Natalie Merchant- I have always loved this song and to some degree always felt it described me. The line "With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way" always seemed really cool and on Thursday, it just worked for me. I was tumor free, and I was making my way.
Friday: Where's the Toilet Paper? by Nicola Foti- This song is just ridiculous, and I am in the best mood ever. If you go to youtube and search the user SoundlyAwake, this song is his current video. It's comprised of tweets that he'd gotten the night before and just put together.

That's my playlist for the week hope you enjoy it and get some more songs for your collections!

Love My Life!

Sometimes you have a day that at its completion you think "I love my life." Today has been one of those days for me. I can say that honestly because this is one of the last things I'm doing tonight. *Yeah late night blogs!*

I have to say though, that I wasn't so sure I'd have a good day today. It was a bit hectic from the start because I have been waiting for some test results from my doctor which I had decided not to tell you guys about until I got the results, giving you only little things to go by such as the "keep your fingers crossed" in Tuesday's post and the fact that I wanted someone to commiserate with me Monday morning right after I had the test done. I am, by nature, a very nervous person and have been freaking out ever since the test Monday morning. I get this freak-out gene from my father who had been freaking out as well, and in fact couldn't actually see me until I got the results back to see if I had any tumors or not.

Good news everyone, I have NO TUMORS!!!! That's right, crossing your fingers and giving it to God really works. I really love all of my friends who have been so good to me this week, and I love my life!

Luck of the Irish

Is everyone out there wearing green? If you just looked down at your clothing to check, give yourself a pat on the back. I am Irish, and therefore wear green proudly on this day. I also go to my grandparent's house to eat Rubens, which are sandwiches made with corned beef. I think they're nasty, but my other family members like them. The thing I find funny about this is that my grandparents that eat the Rubens aren't Irish, it's the other side of my family that hailed from Ireland.

I always think this is funny. No matter what's going on on St. Patrick's Day I always take time out of the day to laugh about my grandparents, who are mostly German, making an Irish meal. It always works.

I never used to think about the "luck of the Irish" past that silly Disney Channel movie about the basketball player that becomes a leprechaun, but today I think I had a bit of extra luck. It was a half day so after school got out I went down to Main Street to meet some friends at Picasso's for lunch. To tell you the truth, I wasn't exactly sure where on Main Street Picasso's was, so I figured I had a lot of walking ahead of me. So I drove to Main Street the only way I know how, and parked in a lot by the riverfront. Then I walked to the street. I looked at the store on the corner, and guess what...it was Picasso's! Lucky me. Unfortunately my friends didn't get so lucky and it took them about twenty minutes to find the place, but I didn't mind.

Here's to the Luck of the Irish, friends, and those awesome letters about safe energy that they wrote after lunch!

Trusting In God's Plan

Put all your trust in the Lord.

This is one hard concept, and something I am struggling with right now. I am in the middle of one of the biggest freak-outs of my life, and today in my Catholic Beliefs class the teacher is lecturing and says that in order to have an active faith we need to trust in God. We need to put all of our trust in the Lord. I wrote this down, put asterisks around it, and wrote over it again. This is how much I need to remember to trust God.

Trust is one of the things I struggle most with in my daily life, I tend not to trust many people at all, and this presents many issues. Especially when I can't trust in God when something big might be happening in my life. Especially if my health may be at risk. When something bad is going on I tend to go straight to panic mode and forgo the easy task of just giving it to God. How many times have I heard that? I can't count on all my relatives how many times my mom or grandma have told me to take something and just give it to God. I should know this answer by now. It should be second nature by now, but it's not.

Because, just like I learned in Catholic Beliefs, the human condition is to be indifferent to God and try to solve things and take them upon yourself. We have to realize that it's just not possible. We have to let others help. That's what friends and family are for. That's what God's for. We have to give everything to God and trust that it will work out the way it's supposed to. Life isn't for us to decide, we have to take what's thrown our way and praise God for our gifts and trust Him that what's going on is His plan.

First One Up Sees the Sunrise

My day started promptly at 7:56...well to be fair I fell asleep at around three and woke up at 7:56 on my own accord. You may ask, when my alarm was supposed to go off? At eight, yes, I had deprived myself of four beautiful minutes of sleep. Instead I got up and showered and left early for my doctor's appointment. After said appointment I came home, the time was 9:40, the entire house was still asleep! To be fair my mother was at work, so she was awake. I had the day off of school, and I should have been doing what everyone else in the house, who had gone to the same party the night before, but I was wide awake. How many times does this happen to you? Not the appointment thing, but being the only one in the entire house that's awake.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me, and I know it won't be the last. Sometimes, like this morning, I hate being the only one up because I want to talk, to have someone else there to just commiserate with. Other days; however, I love being awake when others are sleeping. I don't know what it is, but it gives me this almost accomplished feeling, as if I don't need as much sleep as they do. The early early mornings are the best though, because the sun's up and everything just seems...new. I guess this is the writer in me popping out, I just feel so inspired thinking of all the great thoughts others have had and expressed about the simple, yet complicated thing that is a sunrise.

I guess that's about it for today, cross your fingers, readers. I need it.

March 8-12 Playlist

This post is short and late. I'm sorry for this. I was at my grandparents house eating fish fry and listening to stories from my grandpa, some I have heard quite a few times.

Monday: Manic Monday by Reliant K- yes I just had to do this one. Not only because it has Monday in the title, but my Monday was totally insane. Call me if you want actual details.
Tuesday: Elvis is Gonna Shoot You by The Chaotics- I felt like yelling and screaming to this song played by the band of a guy I almost dated. The song gets so stuck in my head!
Wednesday: Let Me Fall by Alexz Johnson- by this point I was feeling as though I had made it through most of the week, why not just continue through the rest of it. Let me be and I can make it through. If you let me be, I can fly.
Thursday: My Back Pages by Bob Dylan- It seems like when we were younger we had so much more planned for ourselves. You don't think about that until you get blasts from the past like I did Thursday.
Friday: Hype by Tegan and Sara- This song talks about letting go of all inhibitions and just sinking your toes into the sand of life. Live in the moment. Let everything be the way it is and just go with the flow and give it your all.

Spring and Renew

Has anyone had the chance to look outside today? Yeah, I'm guessing you have, and if you live in the area, I'm guessing you are probably just as pleased as I am that it is so delightfully wonderful out. It seems like just last week I was sitting in class with a hoodie on and I was freezing, wait, that was last week.

Funny how the weather can change so quickly. Just like so many other things in life, like the people you knew when you were younger. I was just on Facebook and I realized that one of my friends got back from bootcamp today. He had left two days after Christmas, and came back today. I haven't seen him, in seven years, and haven't talked to him in almost seven months, but it's good to know that he's safe.

His sister and I used to be the best of friends, and when I was thinking about her the other day, I got on Facebook to message her, only to get met by an unforeseen obstacle. Her fiance replied to my message. I had forgotten that they shared a username and had never met him before. Needless to say this was one of the weirdest things I had ever encountered. I introduced myself, and told him how I knew his fiance and he told me he was glad to "meet" me. I told him the same, and we said our goodbyes. He seems like a really nice guy, and I hope to meet him in real life some day.

Things between me and the people I grew up with have changed a great deal in the past seven years, but I hope to someday re-establish these old friendships that have fallen apart. Like spring reawakens the flowers outside, so too must old friendships be given time and room to bloom anew.