Thursday Night

So, I am sleep deprived, have taken a progesterone pill, and have had a glass of vodka and cran-apple juice. And I am thinking about Lily. Lily would be handling things one hundred times better than me. She's the perfect version of me and I have tried so hard to make my life worthy of who I should have been. Lily would have an awesome job, be writing masterpiece after masterpiece, and be the best girlfriend a man could ask for. And I am going to try and channel her. Let me know if I can improve in any way and I will try my damndest to be the best version of myself, I swear.

Wow...just WOW!

This past month has been amazing. It has been exactly one month since my surgery and on that day I also started talking to my boyfriend, Anthony. Since the first day I talked to him he has been nothing but sweet, kind, and goofy. And I love getting to know him and being able to open up to him. That is why today's talks with my family have left me a bit outraged. Anthony is an Atheist, I have known this the whole time, and we have talked in length about our own beliefs both of us respecting the other and not trying to press our own beliefs onto the other. So, Uncle Dave, I don't want to hear shit from you about how he doesn't respect me, about my "soul being in danger" because I have compromised absolutely nothing. And you have no right to judge my boyfriend based on your own fucking ideas of who he might be because you don't know him, you've never met him. And Mom, I don't care what you say about him "wanting what's best for me" because he doesn't really know me that well. And I'm sorry that not going to church every week makes me seem like a bad person to you, but it's my choice to make. Also, it is not "easier" to not stick with the institutionalized Catholic church, especially in our family. Mom, it's easier to stay with something you've known forever than to question it. And I don't see sticking with the church as better than figuring out what I believe and sticking up for those whose rights are ignored based on who they are attracted to. Love is love and if the church can't see that, they aren't as good about loving and accepting as they say they are. So there you have it, I believe in God, not in the church, and my boyfriend isn't a horrible person just because he doesn't believe in God. Don't judge him before you get to know him, and he respects me more than some of my family, so don't give me that shit.

Quiet Summer Times

Since my sister has a job, and sadly I do not, I have had almost no access to a car and therefore a lot of time at home. The above image is from the day I shot a music video for A Fine Frenzy's song "Electric Twist". I have made about four YouTube videos since I've been home, which is more than I made all last semester. This is good because I am putting out material, but it is bad because I have way too much alone time on my hands. Another side effect of me being alone at home is that I believe I've watched all episodes of Daria at least once, including the movie specials. Right now I am watching the episode "Monster" where Daria decides to follow Quinn around with a camera to show the "Depths of Shallowness". This one is probably one of my favorites because it has a bunch of funny lines. A super positive thing about having a lot of time to myself is that I have finished two stories and have written a lot on another. It feels fantastic to be able to just sit and time with music or TV playing in the background. I even submitted a short story to a literary journal and will hopefully hear back from them soon. My hope is a personalized rejection, since acceptance is really rare for a first submission. I'm also looking for a way to submit my full novels somewhere. We leave on Friday for vacation and I am excited, but also really anxious about it. I am not always one to enjoy a crowd, and there is no lack of people when my family travels. Also, tensions tend to get high between some people and I'd rather not have to deal with that. Maybe I'll hide out sometime and just read or write without having to talk to anyone. That would be perfect.

Wonderful Nights in the Summer

Right now it is just after two in the morning and I am sort of tired, but I don't think I could sleep. Today has been one of the most amazing days of the summer and I really want to document it. I mean, it started off not too fun because I had to call and get some more pain medication, which the doctor filling in for mine this week has changed to a non-narcotic because he doesn't want to prescribe narcotics. It sort of helps, but only if I take two...which I shouldn't be doing, but how else am I supposed to get rid of the pain. A downside of all pain meds is that it makes my appetite vanish and on a number of occasions, makes me sick to my stomach. It is also looking more and more like I'm going to have another laperoscopy this summer and I feel really bad about it because it cost a lot of money. But enough of the bad, there was plenty about today that was fan-fucking-tastic. First: My brother, Matt, and I went out to lunch with the amazing DramaDaddy. We went to Bob Evans where we ate awesome food and had really weird conversations that ended in loads of laughter. I love spending time with my dad because he is awesome and I can remember those times when we didn't get to see each other very often at all. There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful that I made the initiative to see him more and that he is such a great and wonderful presence in my life. I love you, daddy! Second: I went outside and used my skateboard for the first time this year. My friend Mary gave me the skateboard last summer despite how many people were terrified about me having it. But with all of the difficulty I had last summer I never really got the chance to use it. I worked on my balance today and rode back and forth on the driveway. I didn't fall off, but I twisted my toe really weird getting on and it kind of hurts, but not as bad as it did earlier. Third: One of my best friends, Aaztli, and one of my favorite cousins, Daniel, came over tonight and stayed until almost midnight. They are both amazing and hilarious people and I really love the group dynamic when they are over. We played Mario Party 8, got pizza, and played Wii bowling, all the while talking, laughing, and sometimes being really competitive. Daniel even helped me make my YouTube video today and it turned out really well. I really love days like this, where things are going on, but it is still relaxing and loads of fun. I am truly blessed to have the friends and family I have and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Rose is hanging out with me tomorrow and I might even see my friend, Michael. I haven't seen him in over a year and I really hope we have a chance to talk and catch up. He's definitely my longest lasting friendship and I think it may be possible that we get back together. I mean, I'm not planning it, but he's always been really nice and if it comes up, I would not hesitate on saying yes. We went out briefly and I broke up with him hastily because I was afraid he'd hurt me, but now I realize that he'd never do that because he is this really amazing and nice guy...but if it doesn't happen I won't be upset either. Well, that's it for tonight.

On the Subject of my Couswin Leaving Soon

Ever since my amazing cousin, Mary, whom I have raved about here before, informed me of her soon to come move to Virginia I have had very mixed feelings. First and foremost, I am so freaking happy for her and Melissa because this will be a super and amazing experience for the both of them and it is my personal belief that no one deserves these awesome things more than Mary. How can I describe the awesome relationship I have with her without first mentioning how we started to begin our closeness. I can pinpoint it to a status update on Facebook my junior year of high school, yes technology for the win. The movie Juno had come out on DVD recently and I put Kimya Dawson lyrics in my status. This of course, was followed by the two of us going through more lyrics back and forth until we just decided that Kimya was extremely amazing. After this we communicated mostly through Facebook and Twitter and began to plot that day when we would have our super hang-out time. And, let me tell you, when we get together there is usually so much to say and not quite enough time to say it. We have cursed highways, praised books, and waxed nostalgic the way only Nerdfighters can, by imagining the future. And as I have grown to know her more and more through all of this time, I have begun to think of her not only as a cousin, but as a big sister. She gives me advice, she cheers me up when I'm sad, and most importantly she nerds out with me about everything we can possibly think of. And this leads me to the other emotion that has been fighting the happiness I have for her: I am going to miss her so freaking much. True, we don't get to see each other nearly as much as we'd like, but it had always been so comforting to know she wasn't really that far away at all. But as I think of this I am secretly planning all of these trips I am going to make to see her, because seriously, you are NOT going to keep me from my couswin. So take very good care of her, Virginia, or I will personally come and attack you as a state. That's right, I will look up (research=nerd) every insult I can about the state of Virginia and begin to shout them as I cross the state line. So look out for that. Mary, I love you so much and I wouldn't trade any of the time spent seeing you and talking with you for the world. Congratulations on your new adventure, and I will see you soon.

Mapcrunch: The Devil's Game

Recently a lot of my friends, myself included, have fallen into a time hole known to the internet as mapcrunch . This website displays random Google maps and someone has created a game for it. You have to hide the location, select all of the areas, and hit "Go". You will be dropped in a random location and the goal is to find an airport so you can get yourself home. Realistic, right? Only if realistically you'd put yourself in the position where you'd wake up in an unfamiliar area.

But the game is so addicting! I have found myself searching hours on end for an airport in such locations as Monmouthshire and...Wyoming. The picture I have posted was from Wyoming and after an hour on that road, which leads absolutely nowhere, as far as I'm concerned, I realized that I was never going to reach an airport in Cokesville.

I thought I might get that out there, because I feel that DramaDaddy might find the game amusing if not the most frustrating thing he's ever done that he really doesn't have to do. :P

Go crunch those maps!

Good Things

For the first part of this semester I was going through a bit of a frustrating time. I'm not saying that it is over, because it isn't over, but I am finding it easier to deal with right now.

I have been having a lot of pain in my ovaries again. (Yeah, that's right, I have no qualms about talking about my ovaries.) I had a progesterone shot over winter break and it had given me great relief for about a month. So a few weeks ago I started getting bad pain again. This meant that I had to go to my health center at school and refill my pain pills. This is fine, I understand that sometimes the pain is just too much, but it started to be not just sometimes.

So I called my doctor and we scheduled a time for me to come into town and get another progesterone shot. But it won't be until the end of this month. After getting everything squared away for my trip back home I decided it would be best to email all of my professors to let them know I might not be fully coherent this next month and I would be missing a few days. And thank God, they were very understanding.

That is all of the formalities behind what I have been going through. Everything else is more emotion/stress based. With chronic pain comes, in my opinion, a certain mindset. I have seen this in people I know with chronic pain and I always told myself that I would never be like that. These people are always online complaining of their pain and cursing their bodies, and generally keeping themselves depressed because they just couldn't think happily. I hadn't experienced that until recently. I began to get so frustrated with the constant pain that I began to think that it might be the only thing left. "Life is pain, Highness." And it began to impact me in a really bad way.

I started to spiral, wanting to feel absolutely nothing and keeping people from knowing that I was in pain and unhappy. I started taking two pills when the bottle says only one. Eventually I got to the bottom of the spiral and I called up my friend Alan.

I was sitting on the couch, basically hyperventilating when he got to my room. The first thing he told me was to breath. He sat there for five minutes until I could take deep breaths and then he told me to tell him what was going on. I started to explain and every time I started to blame myself for something he would stop me and I had to rephrase it or he would tell me why it wasn't my fault. And then he told me something that I had heard about, but never thought to do on my own.

He told me that every day I should find something, even the most miniscule thing, that was a good thing, and focus on that no matter how bad everything else was. He walked me through the good things that had happened that day and suggested that I even write them in my journal.

And that is what I have been doing. So far I've had at least ten things each day and it has really helped me to keep a positive outlook. And that is what I suggest to anyone who reads this. Keep track of the good things because those are all that matter.