My Guardian Angel (or how I view my sister Lily)

There's something, rather someone I've been thinking a lot about recently. I feel her with me constantly, but sometimes I forget to smile and thank her. Because I feel I should thank her.Without her, I wouldn't be here.

But I've never really met her.

No one has.

But because of her I am here today...and sometimes I feel guilty for something I had no control over. Because if she were here...I wouldn't be.

My guardian angel. My almost. My sister, Lily, who was never born.

I got to name her when I was old enough to know about her. I thought long and hard about who I'd want my sister to be and what defines a person more than their name?

I never really discuss this with anyone because I sometimes feel like bringing her up will make me sound crazy. That telling someone I'd been thinking about my sister who was never born will make me seem unstable. But not right now.

Right now I feel like I know who I am because I know her better than anyone else. I feel like I was born with both of our personalities sometimes. That I feel things more deeply because she is always with me.

On some days this knowledge is empowering, just like it is now. But sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if Lily lived and I hadn't existed. I picture her being like me, but somehow more. Somehow she would be everything I strive for. And she is. I strive to be like her everyday because I'm living in her space. Since I get to live, I want to do it right. For Lily.

I'm not writing this for her benefit, because I secretly tell her everyday how thankful I am for having her in my life. I'm writing this for me because sometimes I forget, as we all do sometime, how lucky I am.

My big sister is always looking out for me in a way not very many big sisters can. And I love her for it.

Thanks Lil. For everything.